the internet is mocking me
I've been feeling empty.
I'm feeling down.
It might have to do with this non-situation I'm in which I like to call my Imaginary Breakup.
J hasn't called in .. well. I called him 7 days ago. He said he was out for a friend's birthday (it was loud), he misses me and although he was at a table full of people he wasn't embarrassed to say it out loud, and that he was getting the salty eye. I felt loved. He asked if it was okay to call later, of course I said yes, of course. It's happened before where I took later as meaning later that night and he meant "sometime in the future". That was the last time we talked, or really communicated. The same day I had left him messages online (facebook and email), but he hasn't replied to them. He had told me he was considering taking down his fb wall because he didn't feel like responding to people's messages, and didn't want people feeling bad when he took a long time to respond. I noticed one day that he did, and every day since then (multiple times a day, of course) I check his page for any sign of activity, of someone tagging a picture of him, of him adding a friend. If he disappeared this is what it would be like.
Back to the reverse chronological recollecting..
So it's been 7 days since we talked. About 7 days before that I called him crying because he hadn't called me in 7 days. Just so you know, that reads much more pathetic than it felt in my head. Anyway, I was upset not because I have an obsession with the number 7 (yet) but because when we had last seen each other, 7 days before, in Calgary, he told me he wanted to call me every day. Should I list the things he said?
I actually listed them, but I'd rather not post them all. All you need to know is that they were very sweet sounding.
The night before I was leaving for Calgary, he called to talk. We had been calling each other about every other day, and texting/communicating in one form or another multiple times a day. I had told him how I still hung out occasionally with S, but that nothing was happening there (S has a new girlfriend who he seems really happy with and I'm genuinely happy for him, although he told me he still loves me.. but that's a different thing). I wanted to be honest, especially with all that happened last summer.. I guess J got that feeling too: he told me about the 4 people he had hooked up with. That doesn't include the 2 from Ontario. Oh how awkward and upsetting, especially because..
..7 days before I went to Calgary, J was in Ontario for about 7 days. I saw him 2 nights out of that. He was sweet, I was sweet. Things were how they felt they always were. We had been talking about this visit back to Ontario since he left for Calgary, which was in December. While he was dating Sarah. Or as the enlightened ones like to call her: "that Japanese girl" or better yet: "the other Asian".
So where am I now?
Listening to contemplative slow songs, with the occasional "maybe i'm sad, but at least i'm angry too!" type of song. Things remind me of him (go figure, since I'm in the same place and everything looks the same), i think about him, i think about thinking about him. And to complete the cliche (no accent.. because i'm so damaged) i wonder: has he changed? have i changed? have we just grown apart?
J and I broke up over a year ago.
I think he's thinking of me.
I think he thinks he loves me.
I think he doesn't want to feel bad for not having talked to me, and knows that he would have to face it if he talks to me.
Really, it's not complicated or worth analyzing.
It doesn't really matter what he thinks or feels, and I can't ever know for sure anyway.
This must also have to do with change. And also lack of it.
My year is gone. A few are still here, but my year itself, the feeling of it, has left along with the majority of the members having graduated and left.
There's something about graduating and moving away that feels much more final than someone who just moves away from a hometown, say. Once you've graduated, once you're alumni, even coming back you'll feel like you don't belong there anymore. That stage of your life is finished.
Having graduated but still here for grad school, I feel like that stage of my life is finished but somehow by a tear in space-time, I'm still here, about to start school again. The longer I'm here the fewer ties I'll have to my past life, also known as my undergrad.
I realized recently that when I see other people wearing birkenstocks I assume we'd get along easily and well. What am I looking for?
I emailed K tonight, telling him that I want to keep in touch and that I hope his summer's going well. If you're in Hamilton or even Toronto let me know! Do you like Damien Rice? He's playing Sept 10, maybe you'd like to come. Oh yeah, and what happened to the get-together we said we'd have? Did you lose the beer coasters? Give me your number so we can meet up if I'm in Guelph. Hope all's well!
I got a reply right away. From Daemon. Whattabitch.
K doesn't have the same email, and probably hasn't used that email address in years. The name is obviously the kind of ridiculous type of name that a 6th grade K thought was hilarious and witty but the budding post-grad K thought was shamefully revealing of what K once thought was hilarious and witty. So no contacting K. This explains why he's never online anymore. Last time I saw him he said he still doesn't have facebook. I told him to just get it, no one knows if you don't have it, so it's not much of a statement.
The internet is mocking me.
Maybe it's helping my creative juices squish and flow - I probably wouldn't be writing here otherwise. Maybe I should write a great play or piece of music. Chopin was depressed his whole life. Wasn't everyone from the Romantic period of piano music depressed? Except for F Mendelssohn, but he possibly stole music from his sister. I'm sure she was depressed. I would be, with a more-famous-but-thieving brother.
Depression is a disease.
I'm not depressed, I'm actually overall pretty happy.
Conclusion: livejournal you saved me. i never should have left. i was wrong. let's never fight again.
update: jason just messaged me.. yeesh, go figure.