lunar_gale
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[Email Log] [The Burden of Truth, Part I] [Nanao and Hayate] [Closed]
((Backdated to Friday, May 26th, about 4:15pm. Warnings for gratuitous Hayate angst. Part I of II.))
He’d never thought of the descent of the stairs at 311 Lysgar Street as a sinking sensation before, but the parallel struck him as he was rounding the third floor. Even though truth could be a heavy burden, he wasn’t sure if he was showing anything akin to wisdom in unburdening himself just now. It was like drowning, knowing all along that he had chosen to dive in.
And, yes, he knew he was being overdramatic. The tendency toward it had been internalized as well as he could manage a long time ago, when his father had used it as proof of his damning effeminacy, but it had never gone away. Now, he fussed and fretted and expanded his issues to monstrous proportions on the inside, and few ever knew that the magnification was happening.
Nanao had seen it. Whenever he got too close, too invested, something would come out like a warning flag for the person he’d come to love; they’d ask some ugly question, and the answer would destroy everything because he was honest and undiplomatic, and that would be that. Another night spent staring at the ceiling, eyes dry, hands empty, coughing like he might die. He’d call Crow the next day, apologise, ask for a little understanding.
Not this time.
No matter what happened, no matter what she said, he was going to try his best to explain without overreacting. He didn’t want to keep holding back secrets, but he didn’t want to lose her, either, and he believed that she might be able to understand. She was open-minded, accepting… She was far calmer than he was.
He shook his head and took a deep breath at the door of her flat, berating himself for being such a dishonest worrier. Why had he waited so long, anyway? There was nothing to be gained from keeping secrets, but the relationship had caught him unawares, surprising him with the depth of his feelings.
There was no need to use his key, since the door was unlocked and she was likely to be waiting. Turning the knob, he nervously pushed the fingers of his free hand through some of the holes at the hem of his shirt and stepped inside.
Brown eyes flicked up at the motion of the door opening, taking Hayate in over the rim of the book she’d been writing in. Silent, she watched him for a moment, taking in the anxious hands and matching demeanor. Well, there was no way she could talk to him flopped out on her stomach as she was, so she twisted herself back up and set the book down next to the couch. She hated seeing him so unsettled around her, but she tried her best to keep her dismay under wraps.
The bruises were fading away quite well, but she’d wrapped her wrists in gauze to keep the marks there out of sight since they weren’t healing up as quickly. Still, her main concern wasn’t the symbols of the recent past, but the man standing in front of her. She rose and padded to the kitchen, bringing back two mugs and a pot of freshly brewed tea. The items hit the coffee table with a discreet ‘thud’ before she sat back down, her eyes
finding his again.
“You look like you don’t want to be here…” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, but she didn't flinch, didn't take them back. Not in front of him.
Hayate sat down on the floor between the couch and the table and cast a thoughtful look toward the teapot and mugs. How did people start conversations like this? He’d never been particularly good at such things, always felt a bit out of his depths when he tried to share the things that he usually kept hidden. There were reasons for his silence, none of which included enjoyment of pretending to be something he wasn’t, or not to be something he was.
“No, it isn’t that. I want to be here, I just…” The holes in his shirt were uncomfortable around his fingers and he suddenly realized what he’d done when he walked in and pulled his hand free, looking rather sheepish as he did so. Yeah, that was good. Whoever it was that told him he’d get over his odd habits as he grew older had been terribly mistaken.
“You know…” Think. Don’t just run the mouth and deal with the fallout. He reached out and poured a cup of tea, took a sip. Turning to look at Nanao, he held the cup between his hands to keep his fingers still. “It’s funny. You’ve told me so much about yourself, and I still don’t know where you stand on so many issues…”
“Only because you’ve never asked,” was her immediate response. She was far too tired to keep up with her normal level of politeness. It didn’t mean she was being rude, just a bit more opinionated then usual. She hadn’t missed the fact that he hadn’t sat beside her even though she’d made room for him, even pulling the customary blankets off of the couch so it wouldn’t be cluttered. It was a minor matter to lean forward enough to snag the only mug on the table and fill it, then lean back into her spot.
“I’m sorry… I’ve always been open and honest with you, but it’s not my habit to volunteer information. It’s just the way I was raised. I suppose I was hoping you’d know you could just ask me.” Concern flared up in her chest, and she didn’t know if it would be a welcome thing for her to show. Something was obviously bothering him and she wished he would just tell her what was going on. Not hide it…
“I’d honestly answer anything you asked me. I might have to think about it for a while, but you’d get an answer.”
“Mmmm. Okay.” Well, that hadn’t helped. He sighed and tapped the tips of his fingers against his cup, watching her all the while. How many times had he skirted around the topic, now? Enough that she’d obviously noticed. He took another sip, tasting nothing but buying himself a moment without eye contact to think, organize his thoughts as well as he could. Yeah, that was productive.
He set the cup down and leaned his head back against the couch, realized that he’d placed himself on a lower level and was in a perfect position for groveling and banished that thought by climbing up onto the couch, though not as close as he usually sat to her.
“You know, I never really meant to hide anything from you… It just sort of ended up that way because there are things I don’t talk about with most people, and we’ve gotten so close so quickly, I just never found a time that seemed… right to bring some things up.”
Rambling. Okay, he could work with that. She was probably used to it by now, anyway.
He’d joined her on the couch, but he was still too distant to make her apprehension lessen. Hadn’t he figured out by now that she could handle anything? She opened her mouth to say something, but thought better of it and closed it again, pulling her knees up to her chest. Her arms slid around her bent legs but didn’t pull them tight, not like she usually did.
“Well… we’re both here. Would this be a right time?”
She put it out on the table finally. Given him the chance to say what he wanted. She hoped he’d talk to her, but she’d decided when they first met that she wouldn’t push him. She still held firm to that decision. Her chin dropped to rest on top of her knees, her gaze steady and open, locked on face. “You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to. I just want you to know you can.”
Deep down, she had the sinking feeling that she wasn’t helping at all…
“Oh, Nanao… I feel ridiculous making a big deal out of this.” He sighed, sinking into the couch a bit. She’d offered him an out, but really, he’d put himself in this place in hopes of ending the avoidance. “Sometimes I wish I was more like Crow. He never has trouble talking about anything…”
Not that it always helps, of course. Hayate almost let out a dark chuckle, shaking his head. There was no mirth in this, but the way his sense of humor worked was often a mystery, even to him.
Her posture was familiar, even a bit more open than he’d seen before, but it made him feel a bit uneasy. It was as if he was forcing her into a corner, or putting her on defensive somehow. Was it possible that his discomfort was rubbing off on her? He reached out a hand and smoothed it over her arm, glad for the contact but no more comfortable than he had been on the floor.
All the dithering and unspoken observations in the world wouldn’t make this any easier. It would probably be better just to drop into the subject and see what happened. He let his hand fall away from her arm, though he tried to keep it from being too sudden a move. “Remember when I said that I’m notorious for having bad relationships…?”
This was one time the touch wasn’t very calming. Her nerves were on edge, even more now than when he’d first arrived. “I’m glad you’re not like Crow. He’s… a difficult person at times, and not everything he says is right.” She tried to be polite, but it was the best she could manage at the moment. It wasn’t that she didn’t like his friend, but she found Crow’s personality to be a bit abrasive at times.
Her breath gusted out in a soft sigh when his hand dropped.
“Yes, I remember. You said that after you told me your parents wanted to meet me… why?” Perhaps she’d been spending too much time around him, because she found herself intensely curious. So much for her ‘turtle’ patience. No matter what he told her, she knew she would handle it just on the fact that he’d feel better if he got it off his chest.
“Never mind. I said you didn’t have to tell me unless you wanted and it’s obvious you really don’t want to or else you’d just say it. You’re too direct to avoid a topic normally.”
Okay, it was definitely muddling time. His nervousness was beginning to mutate into frustration, and that often matured into saying or doing something he hadn’t thought through and would likely regret. He propped his head up on his hand, burying his fingers in his hair on the side that was facing away from her and discreetly holding on as if it was some kind of anchor.
It was probably best to ignore that last thing she said and focus on the first, since her last few sentences only made him feel even worse than he had before. Unfortunately, he had trouble with selecting the best things to respond to and leaving the rest alone when he was emotionally involved. Besides, the whole point of this exercise was to address everything, right?
“Actually, I do better at being direct when I’m either angry, too frustrated to hold back, or not involved.” He gestured vaguely with the hand between them. “That might be part of why I always kill relationships… The more something means to me, the harder it is to cope with. That doesn’t mean I should hide away from things, but I just have to… struggle. It doesn’t come naturally to talk about things that make me feel weak.”
He paused, thinking, and let go of his hair to look her over. “Crow hasn’t made a very good impression on you, has he? That’s probably my fault…” Silence was something he was better at maintaining with strangers, and he’d come to trust Nanao so much that he’d complained to her. Now he wondered if complaining had been foolish. It certainly wouldn’t make things easier.
Nanao shook her head. “Uh-uh. That’s not what we’re talking about. Don’t change the subject.” Her own voice almost made her blink. She didn’t sound like she normally did, but she didn’t take the time to ponder it much. “It’s NOT your fault. It’s his, and his only.”
Her arms shifted and tightened, bringing her legs flush to her chest, before she spoke again in a soft tone. “I’m sorry if this is difficult for you. Trust me, I know about weakness. I’ve admitted my weaknesses to you, but I think I’ve learned that life itself is a struggle. Every day.” She sighed, then took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
“I wish you trusted me as much as I trust you. Then you might tell me what’s got you so knotted up inside that you feel the need to hide it from someone that cares.”
How could he explain that he had never had much faith in anyone or anything? He didn’t want to discourage her, since he was actively trying to trust her, but it just wasn’t something that came naturally to him. Crow only knew so much about him because he’d been there all along.
Hayate shook his head, frowning at the change in her posture. He really hadn’t meant for this to be so hard on her, but it made sense that it would be. In a relationship, anything that upset one person could be painful for the other. He tried to calm down, wanted to get closer to her the way he usually did, but if she did, by chance, react poorly…
He didn’t want to make this any worse than it had to be for her, and it was possible that he could go from a welcome source of contact to someone she really wouldn’t want to touch. She didn’t seem likely to react so badly, but he’d been through it often enough that he didn’t want to take the chance lightly. If it was once bitten, twice shy, how hesitant should a man who’d been let down four times be?
“I trust you much more than most people.” Drawing a deep breath, he tried to center himself. It would honestly be easier if he was in fencing gear, where the mask allowed him a certain detachment from his own humanity. “Actually, Crow is a part of this, like it or not.”
Nanao noted his frown at her and shifted again, pushing her legs down from their angle to curl under her. She had no idea how to make this easier on him, but she couldn’t just sit idly by in silence. “I figured he was. You two have known each other for a long time. I spoke too hastily about him a moment ago. He’s just… very different than the people I’ve known in the past.”
Her hand itched to reach over and stroke his in silent comfort, but she didn’t dare. She had no idea if the touch would be helpful. Instead, she turned her head slightly to one side, keeping him in her peripheral sight, but not staring at him head on as she usually did. “If you trust me, then tell me what’s on your mind. You know I won’t judge you for anything. Don’t you?”
He observed all the concessions she was making for his comfort, and it took the edge off his mild panic, helping to keep him grounded. Even the indirect way that she watched him was reassuring, and he took another deep breath, trying to close off the side of his mind that always overworked whatever point he was mulling over. He’d told himself he wouldn’t over react…
“In the past, whenever I asked someone out, I tried to be sure that they knew what they were getting themselves into. I would sit down and have a talk with them right away - before I felt anything more than a vague attraction - and it was impersonal enough to be easy. ‘This is me, what d’you think’, more or less…” Of course, it had never been quite as cheerful and easy as it sounded in passing, but he didn’t care to elaborate on something so trivial. “I guess it kept my life simple. It was rare for someone to stick around for more than a week or two.”
This was torture. He wondered, in a formless, aimless sort of way, if other adults had as much trouble with just being honest with who they were as he did. “To be completely frank, Nanao, I thought I would just be your friend. I’m so much older than you, so sick, I didn’t think I’d let myself feel anything more until it was too late to sit down and warn you. Then, when I finally gave it enough thought to find an answer to the question of how I feel about you, I just couldn’t deal with it so casually.”
Another little gesture and he realized that his hands were getting a bit too involved, so he folded them against his thigh and stared at his own fingers, still observing her peripherally in much the same way that she was watching him. “I don’t have a lot of respect for people who lie, or even omit, but ironically enough, I’ve gotten good at both. I have so little faith, it’s easier to just keep things to myself, and I know that sounds bad, but the reason I’m rambling at you right now is that I do trust you. I’m just more of a coward than I like to admit.”
Nanao felt the frustration that had been harrying her all week well up inside again. “You’re not a coward. Cowards don’t make it a habit to help anyone on the premise ‘I can’t get involved’. You do. You’ve tried to help Nemu, and you’ve tried to help me just this week.” She reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose lightly, wanting to stand up and pace the room as she’d begun doing so much lately.
“And the thought that you think you have to give a ‘disclaimer’ to anyone you’re attracted to?” Her hand dropped and she tilted her neck back, resting her head along the top of the cushions she sat against. “Is the age difference bothering you that much, really? And you know I don’t care about you being sick. We’ve talked about it before.” Granted, it had been in passing, but they had spoken about it.
“You need to give yourself more credit, Hayate. Statistically speaking, most relationships, no matter the length of time invested in them, don’t survive an attempted rape. But I'm still here because I… Just tell me what’s on your mind. Please.”
Oh, that’s good, Nanao. Drag statistics out. You’re trying too hard…
She’s right, I’m being over dramatic… There are people who are proud to be like me and I’m so humiliated by it that I make it a crippling issue…
He took a deep breath, trying to put the past behind him and think of Nanao as herself alone, unburdened by the reactions of others. She’d been more than understanding. “I’m not worried about the age difference. Really, I don’t always act my age, and you’re extremely mature. I know that you’ve accepted my health problems, in fact, with a better outlook than mine. You’ve been wonderful.”
Sixteen years’ habit was not an easy thing to shake off. This was like talking about a crime. At some point, his fingers had found an opening in the seam along the outside edge of his pant leg and began to mindlessly pull at it, no doubt making it worse.
“Bear with me a little longer. I’m not changing the subject.” He made another vague gesture and looked directly at her for just a second, then turned his eyes back to his hands. “When Crow and Liza got married, they agreed that it was okay for each of them to have one lover on the side. Crow had someone else he didn’t want to part with, and Liza thought an open marriage would combine security with opportunity, so they just got to know everyone involved and decided that the arrangement worked, and it did, for a while.”
This was getting him closer to the point, but was still too indirect and he must be driving Nanao insane. He sighed, searching one last time for a diplomatic way to say what he had to. There was still no easy answer in his mind, and he was too tired of the whole issue to brace, so he just kept his eyes focused on his hands and admitted it as if it was a deathbed confession.
“He was my first lover, and he’s always been there for me, but we’re just friends right now… I don’t intend to go back to him. My parents don’t even know, unless one of them figured it out on their own. Dad always thought that kind of thing was unacceptable, so I’ve just kept it hidden. It wasn’t really a conscious decision.”
He’d never thought of the descent of the stairs at 311 Lysgar Street as a sinking sensation before, but the parallel struck him as he was rounding the third floor. Even though truth could be a heavy burden, he wasn’t sure if he was showing anything akin to wisdom in unburdening himself just now. It was like drowning, knowing all along that he had chosen to dive in.
And, yes, he knew he was being overdramatic. The tendency toward it had been internalized as well as he could manage a long time ago, when his father had used it as proof of his damning effeminacy, but it had never gone away. Now, he fussed and fretted and expanded his issues to monstrous proportions on the inside, and few ever knew that the magnification was happening.
Nanao had seen it. Whenever he got too close, too invested, something would come out like a warning flag for the person he’d come to love; they’d ask some ugly question, and the answer would destroy everything because he was honest and undiplomatic, and that would be that. Another night spent staring at the ceiling, eyes dry, hands empty, coughing like he might die. He’d call Crow the next day, apologise, ask for a little understanding.
Not this time.
No matter what happened, no matter what she said, he was going to try his best to explain without overreacting. He didn’t want to keep holding back secrets, but he didn’t want to lose her, either, and he believed that she might be able to understand. She was open-minded, accepting… She was far calmer than he was.
He shook his head and took a deep breath at the door of her flat, berating himself for being such a dishonest worrier. Why had he waited so long, anyway? There was nothing to be gained from keeping secrets, but the relationship had caught him unawares, surprising him with the depth of his feelings.
There was no need to use his key, since the door was unlocked and she was likely to be waiting. Turning the knob, he nervously pushed the fingers of his free hand through some of the holes at the hem of his shirt and stepped inside.
Brown eyes flicked up at the motion of the door opening, taking Hayate in over the rim of the book she’d been writing in. Silent, she watched him for a moment, taking in the anxious hands and matching demeanor. Well, there was no way she could talk to him flopped out on her stomach as she was, so she twisted herself back up and set the book down next to the couch. She hated seeing him so unsettled around her, but she tried her best to keep her dismay under wraps.
The bruises were fading away quite well, but she’d wrapped her wrists in gauze to keep the marks there out of sight since they weren’t healing up as quickly. Still, her main concern wasn’t the symbols of the recent past, but the man standing in front of her. She rose and padded to the kitchen, bringing back two mugs and a pot of freshly brewed tea. The items hit the coffee table with a discreet ‘thud’ before she sat back down, her eyes
finding his again.
“You look like you don’t want to be here…” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, but she didn't flinch, didn't take them back. Not in front of him.
Hayate sat down on the floor between the couch and the table and cast a thoughtful look toward the teapot and mugs. How did people start conversations like this? He’d never been particularly good at such things, always felt a bit out of his depths when he tried to share the things that he usually kept hidden. There were reasons for his silence, none of which included enjoyment of pretending to be something he wasn’t, or not to be something he was.
“No, it isn’t that. I want to be here, I just…” The holes in his shirt were uncomfortable around his fingers and he suddenly realized what he’d done when he walked in and pulled his hand free, looking rather sheepish as he did so. Yeah, that was good. Whoever it was that told him he’d get over his odd habits as he grew older had been terribly mistaken.
“You know…” Think. Don’t just run the mouth and deal with the fallout. He reached out and poured a cup of tea, took a sip. Turning to look at Nanao, he held the cup between his hands to keep his fingers still. “It’s funny. You’ve told me so much about yourself, and I still don’t know where you stand on so many issues…”
“Only because you’ve never asked,” was her immediate response. She was far too tired to keep up with her normal level of politeness. It didn’t mean she was being rude, just a bit more opinionated then usual. She hadn’t missed the fact that he hadn’t sat beside her even though she’d made room for him, even pulling the customary blankets off of the couch so it wouldn’t be cluttered. It was a minor matter to lean forward enough to snag the only mug on the table and fill it, then lean back into her spot.
“I’m sorry… I’ve always been open and honest with you, but it’s not my habit to volunteer information. It’s just the way I was raised. I suppose I was hoping you’d know you could just ask me.” Concern flared up in her chest, and she didn’t know if it would be a welcome thing for her to show. Something was obviously bothering him and she wished he would just tell her what was going on. Not hide it…
“I’d honestly answer anything you asked me. I might have to think about it for a while, but you’d get an answer.”
“Mmmm. Okay.” Well, that hadn’t helped. He sighed and tapped the tips of his fingers against his cup, watching her all the while. How many times had he skirted around the topic, now? Enough that she’d obviously noticed. He took another sip, tasting nothing but buying himself a moment without eye contact to think, organize his thoughts as well as he could. Yeah, that was productive.
He set the cup down and leaned his head back against the couch, realized that he’d placed himself on a lower level and was in a perfect position for groveling and banished that thought by climbing up onto the couch, though not as close as he usually sat to her.
“You know, I never really meant to hide anything from you… It just sort of ended up that way because there are things I don’t talk about with most people, and we’ve gotten so close so quickly, I just never found a time that seemed… right to bring some things up.”
Rambling. Okay, he could work with that. She was probably used to it by now, anyway.
He’d joined her on the couch, but he was still too distant to make her apprehension lessen. Hadn’t he figured out by now that she could handle anything? She opened her mouth to say something, but thought better of it and closed it again, pulling her knees up to her chest. Her arms slid around her bent legs but didn’t pull them tight, not like she usually did.
“Well… we’re both here. Would this be a right time?”
She put it out on the table finally. Given him the chance to say what he wanted. She hoped he’d talk to her, but she’d decided when they first met that she wouldn’t push him. She still held firm to that decision. Her chin dropped to rest on top of her knees, her gaze steady and open, locked on face. “You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to. I just want you to know you can.”
Deep down, she had the sinking feeling that she wasn’t helping at all…
“Oh, Nanao… I feel ridiculous making a big deal out of this.” He sighed, sinking into the couch a bit. She’d offered him an out, but really, he’d put himself in this place in hopes of ending the avoidance. “Sometimes I wish I was more like Crow. He never has trouble talking about anything…”
Not that it always helps, of course. Hayate almost let out a dark chuckle, shaking his head. There was no mirth in this, but the way his sense of humor worked was often a mystery, even to him.
Her posture was familiar, even a bit more open than he’d seen before, but it made him feel a bit uneasy. It was as if he was forcing her into a corner, or putting her on defensive somehow. Was it possible that his discomfort was rubbing off on her? He reached out a hand and smoothed it over her arm, glad for the contact but no more comfortable than he had been on the floor.
All the dithering and unspoken observations in the world wouldn’t make this any easier. It would probably be better just to drop into the subject and see what happened. He let his hand fall away from her arm, though he tried to keep it from being too sudden a move. “Remember when I said that I’m notorious for having bad relationships…?”
This was one time the touch wasn’t very calming. Her nerves were on edge, even more now than when he’d first arrived. “I’m glad you’re not like Crow. He’s… a difficult person at times, and not everything he says is right.” She tried to be polite, but it was the best she could manage at the moment. It wasn’t that she didn’t like his friend, but she found Crow’s personality to be a bit abrasive at times.
Her breath gusted out in a soft sigh when his hand dropped.
“Yes, I remember. You said that after you told me your parents wanted to meet me… why?” Perhaps she’d been spending too much time around him, because she found herself intensely curious. So much for her ‘turtle’ patience. No matter what he told her, she knew she would handle it just on the fact that he’d feel better if he got it off his chest.
“Never mind. I said you didn’t have to tell me unless you wanted and it’s obvious you really don’t want to or else you’d just say it. You’re too direct to avoid a topic normally.”
Okay, it was definitely muddling time. His nervousness was beginning to mutate into frustration, and that often matured into saying or doing something he hadn’t thought through and would likely regret. He propped his head up on his hand, burying his fingers in his hair on the side that was facing away from her and discreetly holding on as if it was some kind of anchor.
It was probably best to ignore that last thing she said and focus on the first, since her last few sentences only made him feel even worse than he had before. Unfortunately, he had trouble with selecting the best things to respond to and leaving the rest alone when he was emotionally involved. Besides, the whole point of this exercise was to address everything, right?
“Actually, I do better at being direct when I’m either angry, too frustrated to hold back, or not involved.” He gestured vaguely with the hand between them. “That might be part of why I always kill relationships… The more something means to me, the harder it is to cope with. That doesn’t mean I should hide away from things, but I just have to… struggle. It doesn’t come naturally to talk about things that make me feel weak.”
He paused, thinking, and let go of his hair to look her over. “Crow hasn’t made a very good impression on you, has he? That’s probably my fault…” Silence was something he was better at maintaining with strangers, and he’d come to trust Nanao so much that he’d complained to her. Now he wondered if complaining had been foolish. It certainly wouldn’t make things easier.
Nanao shook her head. “Uh-uh. That’s not what we’re talking about. Don’t change the subject.” Her own voice almost made her blink. She didn’t sound like she normally did, but she didn’t take the time to ponder it much. “It’s NOT your fault. It’s his, and his only.”
Her arms shifted and tightened, bringing her legs flush to her chest, before she spoke again in a soft tone. “I’m sorry if this is difficult for you. Trust me, I know about weakness. I’ve admitted my weaknesses to you, but I think I’ve learned that life itself is a struggle. Every day.” She sighed, then took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
“I wish you trusted me as much as I trust you. Then you might tell me what’s got you so knotted up inside that you feel the need to hide it from someone that cares.”
How could he explain that he had never had much faith in anyone or anything? He didn’t want to discourage her, since he was actively trying to trust her, but it just wasn’t something that came naturally to him. Crow only knew so much about him because he’d been there all along.
Hayate shook his head, frowning at the change in her posture. He really hadn’t meant for this to be so hard on her, but it made sense that it would be. In a relationship, anything that upset one person could be painful for the other. He tried to calm down, wanted to get closer to her the way he usually did, but if she did, by chance, react poorly…
He didn’t want to make this any worse than it had to be for her, and it was possible that he could go from a welcome source of contact to someone she really wouldn’t want to touch. She didn’t seem likely to react so badly, but he’d been through it often enough that he didn’t want to take the chance lightly. If it was once bitten, twice shy, how hesitant should a man who’d been let down four times be?
“I trust you much more than most people.” Drawing a deep breath, he tried to center himself. It would honestly be easier if he was in fencing gear, where the mask allowed him a certain detachment from his own humanity. “Actually, Crow is a part of this, like it or not.”
Nanao noted his frown at her and shifted again, pushing her legs down from their angle to curl under her. She had no idea how to make this easier on him, but she couldn’t just sit idly by in silence. “I figured he was. You two have known each other for a long time. I spoke too hastily about him a moment ago. He’s just… very different than the people I’ve known in the past.”
Her hand itched to reach over and stroke his in silent comfort, but she didn’t dare. She had no idea if the touch would be helpful. Instead, she turned her head slightly to one side, keeping him in her peripheral sight, but not staring at him head on as she usually did. “If you trust me, then tell me what’s on your mind. You know I won’t judge you for anything. Don’t you?”
He observed all the concessions she was making for his comfort, and it took the edge off his mild panic, helping to keep him grounded. Even the indirect way that she watched him was reassuring, and he took another deep breath, trying to close off the side of his mind that always overworked whatever point he was mulling over. He’d told himself he wouldn’t over react…
“In the past, whenever I asked someone out, I tried to be sure that they knew what they were getting themselves into. I would sit down and have a talk with them right away - before I felt anything more than a vague attraction - and it was impersonal enough to be easy. ‘This is me, what d’you think’, more or less…” Of course, it had never been quite as cheerful and easy as it sounded in passing, but he didn’t care to elaborate on something so trivial. “I guess it kept my life simple. It was rare for someone to stick around for more than a week or two.”
This was torture. He wondered, in a formless, aimless sort of way, if other adults had as much trouble with just being honest with who they were as he did. “To be completely frank, Nanao, I thought I would just be your friend. I’m so much older than you, so sick, I didn’t think I’d let myself feel anything more until it was too late to sit down and warn you. Then, when I finally gave it enough thought to find an answer to the question of how I feel about you, I just couldn’t deal with it so casually.”
Another little gesture and he realized that his hands were getting a bit too involved, so he folded them against his thigh and stared at his own fingers, still observing her peripherally in much the same way that she was watching him. “I don’t have a lot of respect for people who lie, or even omit, but ironically enough, I’ve gotten good at both. I have so little faith, it’s easier to just keep things to myself, and I know that sounds bad, but the reason I’m rambling at you right now is that I do trust you. I’m just more of a coward than I like to admit.”
Nanao felt the frustration that had been harrying her all week well up inside again. “You’re not a coward. Cowards don’t make it a habit to help anyone on the premise ‘I can’t get involved’. You do. You’ve tried to help Nemu, and you’ve tried to help me just this week.” She reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose lightly, wanting to stand up and pace the room as she’d begun doing so much lately.
“And the thought that you think you have to give a ‘disclaimer’ to anyone you’re attracted to?” Her hand dropped and she tilted her neck back, resting her head along the top of the cushions she sat against. “Is the age difference bothering you that much, really? And you know I don’t care about you being sick. We’ve talked about it before.” Granted, it had been in passing, but they had spoken about it.
“You need to give yourself more credit, Hayate. Statistically speaking, most relationships, no matter the length of time invested in them, don’t survive an attempted rape. But I'm still here because I… Just tell me what’s on your mind. Please.”
Oh, that’s good, Nanao. Drag statistics out. You’re trying too hard…
She’s right, I’m being over dramatic… There are people who are proud to be like me and I’m so humiliated by it that I make it a crippling issue…
He took a deep breath, trying to put the past behind him and think of Nanao as herself alone, unburdened by the reactions of others. She’d been more than understanding. “I’m not worried about the age difference. Really, I don’t always act my age, and you’re extremely mature. I know that you’ve accepted my health problems, in fact, with a better outlook than mine. You’ve been wonderful.”
Sixteen years’ habit was not an easy thing to shake off. This was like talking about a crime. At some point, his fingers had found an opening in the seam along the outside edge of his pant leg and began to mindlessly pull at it, no doubt making it worse.
“Bear with me a little longer. I’m not changing the subject.” He made another vague gesture and looked directly at her for just a second, then turned his eyes back to his hands. “When Crow and Liza got married, they agreed that it was okay for each of them to have one lover on the side. Crow had someone else he didn’t want to part with, and Liza thought an open marriage would combine security with opportunity, so they just got to know everyone involved and decided that the arrangement worked, and it did, for a while.”
This was getting him closer to the point, but was still too indirect and he must be driving Nanao insane. He sighed, searching one last time for a diplomatic way to say what he had to. There was still no easy answer in his mind, and he was too tired of the whole issue to brace, so he just kept his eyes focused on his hands and admitted it as if it was a deathbed confession.
“He was my first lover, and he’s always been there for me, but we’re just friends right now… I don’t intend to go back to him. My parents don’t even know, unless one of them figured it out on their own. Dad always thought that kind of thing was unacceptable, so I’ve just kept it hidden. It wasn’t really a conscious decision.”