Personal Jesus

[azewewish]

"Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who's there"
-- Depeche Mode

(Minneapolis, Minnesota -- December 19, 2004)

There's snow on the ground outside, coating everything in a blanket of hazy white. Frost on the windows, on the power lines, icicles hanging from the trees. Flakes continue to drift lazily from the sky in brilliant bursts, and Josh thinks if the weather holds, it'll be a nice, white Christmas.

Perfect for his first one with Jake and his family.

Josh glances out the bay windows one last time before turning to the refrigerator. Breakfast would definitely go over well right about now. He tugs his loose t-shirt (some dingy faded to hell thing that he thinks he bought at some cheesy tourist stand while filming, um, something or another) over his boxers, and flicks on the radio.

Still mostly asleep, Jake rolls towards Josh's side of the bed, expecting to encounter a warm body. When he finds nothing but cool sheets, his eyes open and he peers out. "Josh?" No answer. Grumbling to himself, he rolls out of bed and yelps when his feet encounter the cold, bare floor.

"Christ!" Still grumbling, he drags the comforter from the bed and wraps it around his body before stumbling downstairs, following the music since he's still not entirely sure of where everything is yet, even if they have been here for three days.


"Little bit of this," Josh mutters to himself, tossing a sprinkle of cheese in the scrambled eggs as his hips twitch to the beat. Whoever it is that's remade that old Depeche Mode song 'Personal Jesus' has done a great job with it. Sounds all moody and mysterious and sexy and shit.

The bacon sizzles and pops on the skillet and Josh takes in a deep breath, hums to barely remembered words. But the more he listens, the more he thinks about Jake. Personal Jesus, someone to hear your prayers, all that. Hmmm...reach out and touch Jake.

The thought makes him grin, and he starts changing the words as he flips the bacon over.

Jake stops in the doorway and watches Josh for a moment. Fucking ironic how the sight of Josh cooking breakfast makes him feel all fuzzy inside. Then he hears the song.

More importantly, he hears the words that Josh is singing.

"Oh, God," Jake groans, not quite under his breath, and rubs his eyes with one hand while trying to hold the comforter tight with the other.

"Your own...personal...Hartnett..." Okay, so it's silly, but it's making him laugh, so he's going with it. Josh has never been above poking fun at himself. He sings into the spatula, grooving along as he turns off the burners and pops the bread in the toaster. Almost time to wake up...

Oh hell.

Josh lets out an embarrassed little laugh when he turns and catches Jake, all sleep tousled and buried under a comforter, watching him. For a second, he thinks about shrugging it off, but then his own sense of the ridiculous kicks in. It's the perfect day, he thinks, to inject some of the fun back into their relationship.

"Reach out and touch Jake..." he croons, stalking closer and closer.

Stepping into the kitchen, Jake moves sideways and keeps a wary eye on Josh. His footsteps carry him around the center island. "Josh...baby...I love you," he says, still gripping the comforter tight, ignoring the cold tile under his bare feet, "and I think you've got a hella sexy voice...."

A quick step around the corner as Josh continues to stalk him, still singing those ridiculous lyrics that have a smile tugging hard at the corners of Jake's mouth. Silly bastard. As if Jake needed yet another reason to love him.

"Looking alone and so very cold..." Not that Josh really has any idea what he's singing; he's just making it up. But Jake does look lonely. And cold. Dumb fuck isn't even wearing any socks. Josh would be willing to be he's not wearing anything under the comforter, either.

Jake backs up another step, and Josh circles the island slowly, still making up silly nonsense, bullshit really, but it keeps Jake's focus on the words, not the movements.

Almost, almost...

With a war-like whoop, Josh pounces.

Jake lets out a rather undignified shriek and reacts a half a second too late. His effort to scramble out of reach is hampered by the fact that he's too wrapped up in the blanket and still far too close to sleep. The only thing he manages to do is stumble.

Within a split second, Josh's arms are around him. Uh uh. Jake knows exactly what's coming next, and to hell with dignity. If Josh's questing fingers find his ribs...

Too late.

"You love my singing." Josh's fingers are merciless. The comforter slips off of Jake's shoulders, but Josh doesn't pay any attention to it. He's got more important things to worry about, such as trapping a squirming, gasping, laughing Jake in place. "Song's telling me to reach out and touch Jake," Josh grins, leaning in close. "Who'm I to ignore it?"

"Not what it says," Jake manages to gasp out, helpless with laughter. Josh knows every single ticklish spot on his body and clearly isn't above using them to his advantage. The more Jake twists and squirms, the tighter he manages to wrap himself in the comforter. Finally, he gives up, leaning against Josh, pinned against the counter, and tries to breathe.

"Do you yield?" Josh asks, stealing a quick kiss before sliding his fingers along Jake's sides again. Just light enough to be a threat.

"Yes, yes!" Jake says, voice breathless and a trifle loud. One arm frees itself to curl around Josh's neck. "Bastard," Jake murmurs, smiling as he leans in for another kiss.

"Yeah, but I'm your bastard," Josh murmurs back, and covers Jake's lips with his own. Never gonna get sick of this, he thinks, sliding his tongue past Jake's teeth. Never get tired of this taste.

Both hands bury themselves in Josh's hair, and Jake makes a soft sound as his tongue slips over Josh's. The last remnants of sleep put a nice haze on the kiss, and he thinks he could get used to waking up like this every day.

"Happy birthday," Josh whispers, trailing a finger across Jake's chin.

"Is that what this is for?" Jake smiles, comforter slithering to the floor, forgotten for the moment. "Thank you."

"You didn't think I'd forget, did you?" Gentle hands skim across Jake's shoulders, then arms, as Josh brushes close for another kiss. "Anything you'd like today?"

"Already have everything I want," Jake whispers, hand on Josh's chest, shivering under the delicate touch that slides over his skin. Amazing how Josh can completely undo him like this. "Though breakfast would be nice."

"Already working on it." Just one more kiss...alright, then another. Not like either of them has a place to be, and Jake's is all sleep-warm and naked in his kitchen. Josh is only human.

"Love you." Another soft whisper as Jake pushes himself up on the counter, tugging Josh closer. Another kiss, light and easy. More shivers as Josh's hands continue to skim his body. Absolutely perfect.

"Good." Josh finds that the more he hears Jake say it, the greedier he is. He roams over Jake's chest with light touches, teases with each kiss. They have all the time in the world.

"Better than." Long legs wrap around Josh's hips as Jake tugs his shirt up. He wants to touch Josh rightthefucknow. When his fingertips encounter warm, bare skin, Jake sighs happily.

The shirt is quickly shrugged off as Josh nips at the side of Jake's neck. "Love how you taste," and Josh will never get enough of this, never get close enough, never have enough skin to touch and sample. He drags Jake even closer, groans when their chests rubslide against each other, pushing past Jake's lips with an eager, quick tongue.

Jake returns the kiss, just as eager. His hands roam over Josh's chest and shoulders, tracing muscle and bone. He'll never get tired of touching Josh, of kissing him, of feeling like this every time Josh focuses on him. Love you, Jake thinks, moaning deep in his throat when Josh rubs against him again.

Josh reaches between them, wraps a hand around Jake's cock, twists and slides, loves that Jake is already hard for him, already quivering and close. Never get enough. He says it with every flick of wrist, with each kiss that gives as much as it takes.

Jake breaks the kiss, rests his forehead against Josh's. It's hard to breathe, hard to think. His eyes are clouded when he opens them. "Please," he whispers, not entirely sure what he's asking for, then Josh is kissing him again.

"Anything," and Jake has to know Josh will do anything for him, be anything he wants, whatever, whenever, long as Jake asks. Josh's fingers wrap tight, slide down, pressing over slickhard skin, and there's desperation in the kiss. Anything, yes, just tell me...

His fingers dig into Josh's shoulders, leave bruises there as Jake arches up. It's too much, and his skin is too tight, nerves wound near to breaking. He pours everything he is into the kiss, sucks hard on Josh's tongue. Then conscious thought is obliterated as he spills over nimble fingers.

Josh gentles the kiss, slowly strokes his tongue over Jake's, stills his fingers. "Beautiful," he breathes, opening his eyes to stare into sated, brilliant blue eyes.

Air is sucked into starving lungs, and Jake struggles for coherency. The best he can manage is a muffled "Mmm..." as he buries his face in the curve of Josh's neck.

Josh gives them another few minutes. Truth be told, he's not in any real hurry to have Jake out of his arms. "Think that should count as one of your gifts?" he asks, smiling as he drops a light kiss on Jake's shoulder.

Laughing, Jake lifts his head. "If you insist," he says, leaning in to kiss Josh. It's slow and sweet, and has him biting his lip when he pulls back. "Hope there's more to it, though."

"What, you mean this isn't enough? You get my body and a handjob, and breakfast," Josh replies, as seriously as he can manages. "Sounds like a sweet deal to me."

"Yeah, well, what if I want..." He leans in again, lips not quite brushing Josh's ear as he whispers the rest of it. He's smirking when he sits back.

"Your birthday. Whatever you want." Josh is proud of the steadiness of his voice. The rest of him, however, is all but quivering with the need to bundle Jake back up in the comforter and take him up on the very attractive offer.

One finger slides along Josh's collarbone, down the center of his chest. Jake's eyes follow it, then slowly lift to meet Josh's. The smell of bacon fills the kitchen, reminding him that he's starving. "I want," Jake murmurs, smile spreading slowly across his face. "But breakfast first."

"Breakfast first." Josh steps back before he can't, and picks up the comforter. "But you need to put on some clothes. And some socks," he adds, glancing down at Jake's bare feet. "Unless you want to freeze to death."

"You can keep me warm." Hopping down from the counter, Jake snags the comforter and wraps it back around his body. He can feel the cold again, worse now, and clothes sound like a fabulous idea.

"Not your feet I won't." Josh picks up his discarded shirt before turning to the sink to wash up his hands. "Just be sure you come back down with an appetite for food."

"I'll come back down with more than that," Jake murmurs as he wraps his arms around Josh's waist and presses against his back. When Josh stiffens, Jake laughs, the sound soft and low. One quick, light kiss is pressed to Josh's shoulder, then Jake slips away to find some clothes.

When he comes back down the stairs, Josh presses a hot cup of coffee into his hands. "Go ahead and sit," Josh says. "Everything's almost done."

"Smells great," Jake replies, settling into a chair. He curls his feet over the rung, cradles the mug in both hands. His eyes follow Josh around the room. Yeah, could definitely get used to this.

"Better be," Josh grins, setting Jake's plate in front of him, and settling in his own chair. "That's your cheese-egg recipe I used."

"Mine?" Jake blinks, then grins. "So that's what you were doing in the kitchen that day." Setting the mug down, he takes a moment to inhale, eyes drifting closed. "Mmm..." Then he takes the first bite and smiles. Absolutely fucking perfect.

Pretty fucking good, even if Josh says so himself. He gives himself over to the food, relaxes and enjoys the company, the morning, the fact that the silences are now easy. He's missed this. More than just about anything else, he'd missed the silences between them.

For a long time, the only sounds are the clatter of forks on plates and soft murmurs to pass this or that item. Then, with a contented sigh, Jake pushes his empty plate away and sits back. He can't think when he's had a birthday start better than this one. And, again, he realizes just how much he missed Josh and the ability to just be himself and not what other people wanted.

Josh pushes his own plate aside, and cups his chin on his hand. "So...got any other ideas for what to do today or do you think you'll be too worn out after I'm done with that one suggestion?"

"Dunno," Jake says with a small shrug. He toys with his fork for a moment, then looks up to find Josh watching him. "I'm the new guy here. Maybe you could show me the city." Then he snorts and grins. "But maybe you'll be too worn out."

"Maybe I'll let you, seeing as how it's your birthday and all."

Another slow blink, followed by another. Let him... Those words have so much weight, could mean so many things. Jake doesn't, can't, look away. "Maybe you'll let me...?"

"Wear me out," Josh grins, slow and wide. Fuck, but he loves seeing Jake like this. "Why, what'd you have in mind?"

"I..." Damn it, Josh shouldn't be allowed to grin like that. Or tease like that. Isn't nice at all. "I didn't really have...anything...in mind."

"Ah." Josh gathers up the plates and stands, giving Jake a rather sad look. "Too bad. I might've enjoyed it," he says, and wanders to the sink.

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Watching Josh, Jake feels like he's let an opportunity slip by, like he missed something Josh said. Or, rather, something Josh didn't say. "I could come up with something," Jake offers, still not entirely sure in which direction he should send his thoughts.

Josh hides his smile as he loads the dishes into the dishwasher. Christ, but he's missed riling Jake up like this. "Be sure to let me know when you do," Josh replies mildly. "Feel like another cup of coffee?"

Damn. Should've known Josh wouldn't help him out here. Jake frowns a little. "Yeah, sure." He looks up when Josh refills his mug. "So did you have anything in particular in mind for today?"

"Oh, nothing major, just catering to your every whim, spoiling you rotten, y'know, that sort of thing. Boring stuff, really." Josh shrugs, the motion as nonchalant as he can make it, and cradles his mug between his hands. "I'm sure you can think of something more exciting than that, though."

Nothing major, he says. Jake bites his lip and ignores the coffee sitting in front of him. "Maybe," he says, slowly, quietly, "maybe we could save the sightseeing for after lunch." Josh's feigned indifference isn't fooling Jake for a second. He's up to something.

Josh nods. "You're right. Still snowing and all. Wouldn't be able to see much."

Snowing? Jake blinks. His eyes travel to the window, and he smiles at the sight of the fat, white flakes drifting past. "Guess we'll have to spend the morning indoors, then."

It's hard to keep feigning disappointment at the look on Jake's face, but Josh keeps trying. "Yeah, shame that." He slides the small, brightly wrapped package across the table. "Guess I'll have to give this to you now. Just to, y'know, keep your spirits up and all."

Jake curls his fingers around the box. Too small to really be anything but jewelry. And jewelry's not something they've ever given each other. The bracelet circling Jake's wrist is the only exception, and even that had been more a lark than anything else.

His teeth catch his lip again as he tears open the paper. Then the box is opened, and Jake pulls out a house key. Puzzled, he frowns up at Josh. "You bought me a key?"

"Not quite." Josh keeps his hands around the mug, mostly to steady them. He can admit, if only to himself, that he's a little nervous about this. But he knows, man, he knows. This is it. This is right. "It's the, um." He nudges his head and glances around the room, then back at Jake.

Just like that, it clicks. Jake's eyes go wide and all he can do for a moment is stare at Josh. "Oh," he breathes. The fact that Josh is giving him this, is trusting him with this, the key to the house in Minnesota, Josh's sacred sanctuary away from it all...it's more than a little humbling. "Oh," he says again, more than a little stunned. "I...I don't know what...thank you."

Josh's reply is soft. His eyes never leave Jake's. "Just don't lose it, alright?"

"I won't." Jake's fingers curl tight around the key, then he's out of his chair and straddling Josh's lap. "I won't. Ever."

Josh lets go of the mug and wraps his arms around Jake's waist, pulling him close. "Okay," he breathes, taking a shuddering, slow breath. He drops his head on Jake's shoulder. "Okay."

He trusts this. Trusts Jake. Everything'll be alright.

So easy to lose himself in this, in Josh. Jake curls around Josh, holds him tight, buries his face in soft hair. "Love you so fucking much," he whispers as Josh's arms tighten around him.

"Love you, too." Every time he says it, it gets easier. Josh knows it should scare him -- they still have such a long way to go after all -- but it doesn't. He doesn't think anything could scare him long as he has this.

When Jake pulls back, a bright smile is curving his lips. His fingers trace Josh's cheek, stop where a dimple appears when Josh lets it. "How about we spend the rest of the morning in bed," he says, shifting just enough to rub against Josh. "I believe you said something about trying to wear me out."

"Got it backwards. You said something about wearing me out." Josh turns his head and bites lightly at the tip of Jake's finger. "And I still might let you try. Since it's your day, you understand."

"Haven't been able to wear you out yet," Jake murmurs, breath catching in his throat when Josh starts to suck on his finger. To be honest, he's not even sure he'd know where to start. Especially not if Josh keeps looking at him like that.

Josh lets go of Jake's finger with an audible pop. "No harm in trying." In fact, Josh is rather looking forward to it.

"Anything I can't do?" Jake watches him, practically vibrating with need and love and lust. Careful, now, careful. "Just so we're clear later."

"Such as...?"

"Such as anything." Leaning back a little, Jake searches Josh's eyes. No clues there, but he hadn't really expected any. Josh is too good at hiding what he's thinking.

"Anything covers an awful lot," Josh replies carefully. Jake's not...is he? He might be. Been rather obsessed with it, the whole idea of Josh giving it up, since they'd patched up things between them.

"Well, we both know my boundaries are non-existent where you're concerned." Jake smiles and catches one of Josh's hands so he can lace their fingers together. "Just, y'know, want to make sure that it's just your usual boundaries I'm dealing with, and nothing new."

"Why would there be anything new?" But Josh can't help the smile as relief courses through him. Long as Jake's not going to try and rush things, it'll be alright.

"Sometimes you surprise me," Jake replies softly, smiling a little as he looks up at Josh.

"Fine," Josh grins. "No spitting."

Jake just rolls his eyes. "Dork. When have I ever spit?"

"You said you wanted a rule, I'm giving you one."

"You're hopeless." The words are exasperated, but fond. Jake slips off Josh's lap and reaches over to take one last swallow of his coffee. "Now..." He sets the cup down, edges back a few steps, eyes fastened on Josh. "If you catch me, you can have me." The last words are delivered over his shoulder as he takes off running.

"Have...?" It only takes a split second for the words to catch up to him, but, by then, Jake's out of the room. Josh's eyes narrow as he takes off after him, thinking of all the ways he's going to prove to a certain birthday boy that he's always been Josh's and always will be. No matter how far he runs.

(**authors' note: For the record, the cover of 'Personal Jesus' was by Marilyn Manson, and is available on his greatest hits CD. It was released as a single in the fall of 2004.)