What's that you're wearing?
Sometimes I feel like no one ever shows or tells you what they're really feeling. Everyone has this front that they believe others want to see, and I'm kind of tired of that. I tend to think that things are going well for a stretch of time only to find out that someone in my life is pretty malcontent with me. Usually this sort of thing is expected, but there are times when the people i know best all of a sudden have a problem with me and I had no idea.
Why doesn't everyone just say how they feel, if you don't like me, say so. I may be hurt but it's better than having to pretend all the time. For example, at work, some bullshit rumor went around about me that whoever was paying me was wasting their money. NOW. First of all, this isn't my fault if I have no work, especially since it's my boss' duty to provide me with work. Second, if he doesn't have work for me I'll find work from someone else. Then after this whole fiasco of the 4th floor bitching and moaning about me was done, I get called up to my manager's office and she tells me that she really likes me and whatever but "some people" have told her that they feel i'm "too serious" and that i'm "hurt when they talk to me". UHHHHHHH.... i'm not sure what too serious means, seeing that i don't really talk to too many people around here and if I do interact with any of the people in my department I'm very pleasant and nice. Second of all, referring to the being hurt, I can only think of one person who would say that about me and that's my boss. I can only assume that he's referring to when he told me that people felt they were wasting money on me and a bunch of other not so nice things. Now lets see, if someone told YOU that people felt that you were a waste of time and money, how would you feel? hurt?! I would imagine so. This place can be such bs sometimes. I'd like to get a fulltime position here but I don't know about all this office politics crap.
It also seems that once again, nothing I do is ever satisfying enough for anyone so maybe what I should really do is stop trying.
Give me a job someone.
Lately I've been faced with the possibility that I might have to make a decision of whether or not I would move somewhere else if my bf were to find a job elsewhere. I'm not sure what I'd do. What if I did go with him and couldn't make any friends or couldn't get a job? what then? that would be horrible. Or what if, by the grace of God, that I got an amazing career started here and he had to go? I don't know if I could turn down the chance to 1.make good money 2.have a real career. Bah, I guess I'll just cross that bridge when it comes.
I think it's strange that though I've known Jessie for 4 years, I don't talk to her nearly as much as I do with Sheila. Sometimes I miss Jessie, but other times I don't. That's bad huh... I'd like to see her again sometime soon. I'm really excited that Sheila is going to be living so near me come september, we'll be able to hang out all the time. I think she's pretty cool. I think next thursday I'm going to go check out some apartments with her. No, I'm not living with her, I'm just accompanying her on her search. It's weird that she and I talk as much as we do considering I only got to know her in my last semester at UMASS. I think it's important for me to keep in contact with everyone.
I had a discussion with a bunch of co-workers about getting married and how some couples seperate themselves from everyone else after they got together. I think I'm like that and I'm trying to change. I think of when I get married and I invite all these people but they won't come because the last time i talked to them was over 5 years ago or something crazy like that. What if the time came and I had to pick my bridesmaids and they were all people that I didn't really know anymore? I think I would be very sad that day.
Lately it seems that Chris isn't so happy. I think I can tell when he's unhappy even though the majority of our conversations are online. I wonder if it has anything to do with me, sometimes I feel like it does. Though I think what is really bothering him are his relationships. He talked about wanting to move to cali and when he said that all i could think was that he must be very tired of the people that surround him here. I don't really think of Chris as the travelling type, so the only reason I could come up with was that there must be people in his life that either dissapoint him or he feels he's dissapointing to. It makes me sad because I love him a lot and I don't want him to feel that way, maybe I'm not doing something right. I drew him a picture of a dinosaur today so hopefully that made his day a little better.
Sigh...
you should have known better than to lean on me.
Why doesn't everyone just say how they feel, if you don't like me, say so. I may be hurt but it's better than having to pretend all the time. For example, at work, some bullshit rumor went around about me that whoever was paying me was wasting their money. NOW. First of all, this isn't my fault if I have no work, especially since it's my boss' duty to provide me with work. Second, if he doesn't have work for me I'll find work from someone else. Then after this whole fiasco of the 4th floor bitching and moaning about me was done, I get called up to my manager's office and she tells me that she really likes me and whatever but "some people" have told her that they feel i'm "too serious" and that i'm "hurt when they talk to me". UHHHHHHH.... i'm not sure what too serious means, seeing that i don't really talk to too many people around here and if I do interact with any of the people in my department I'm very pleasant and nice. Second of all, referring to the being hurt, I can only think of one person who would say that about me and that's my boss. I can only assume that he's referring to when he told me that people felt they were wasting money on me and a bunch of other not so nice things. Now lets see, if someone told YOU that people felt that you were a waste of time and money, how would you feel? hurt?! I would imagine so. This place can be such bs sometimes. I'd like to get a fulltime position here but I don't know about all this office politics crap.
It also seems that once again, nothing I do is ever satisfying enough for anyone so maybe what I should really do is stop trying.
Give me a job someone.
Lately I've been faced with the possibility that I might have to make a decision of whether or not I would move somewhere else if my bf were to find a job elsewhere. I'm not sure what I'd do. What if I did go with him and couldn't make any friends or couldn't get a job? what then? that would be horrible. Or what if, by the grace of God, that I got an amazing career started here and he had to go? I don't know if I could turn down the chance to 1.make good money 2.have a real career. Bah, I guess I'll just cross that bridge when it comes.
I think it's strange that though I've known Jessie for 4 years, I don't talk to her nearly as much as I do with Sheila. Sometimes I miss Jessie, but other times I don't. That's bad huh... I'd like to see her again sometime soon. I'm really excited that Sheila is going to be living so near me come september, we'll be able to hang out all the time. I think she's pretty cool. I think next thursday I'm going to go check out some apartments with her. No, I'm not living with her, I'm just accompanying her on her search. It's weird that she and I talk as much as we do considering I only got to know her in my last semester at UMASS. I think it's important for me to keep in contact with everyone.
I had a discussion with a bunch of co-workers about getting married and how some couples seperate themselves from everyone else after they got together. I think I'm like that and I'm trying to change. I think of when I get married and I invite all these people but they won't come because the last time i talked to them was over 5 years ago or something crazy like that. What if the time came and I had to pick my bridesmaids and they were all people that I didn't really know anymore? I think I would be very sad that day.
Lately it seems that Chris isn't so happy. I think I can tell when he's unhappy even though the majority of our conversations are online. I wonder if it has anything to do with me, sometimes I feel like it does. Though I think what is really bothering him are his relationships. He talked about wanting to move to cali and when he said that all i could think was that he must be very tired of the people that surround him here. I don't really think of Chris as the travelling type, so the only reason I could come up with was that there must be people in his life that either dissapoint him or he feels he's dissapointing to. It makes me sad because I love him a lot and I don't want him to feel that way, maybe I'm not doing something right. I drew him a picture of a dinosaur today so hopefully that made his day a little better.
Sigh...
you should have known better than to lean on me.