i don't know!!!
I dunno why i was so mean to my bf tonite i was just in a bad mood i suppose...but then i was trying to figure out what put me in a bad mood to begin with...think think think.....my day hasnt been the worse....it was a 'normal' day...nothing special really....then i thought more deeply about it and came to the conclusion that it was bc i had just eatin and felt guilt for eating...bc it wasnt the most healthy food...fast food of chicken sandwhich and fries and to top it off with a strawberry cheesecake milk shake....f*ck!!! i was pissed at myself bc i binge on such a meal and wanted to purge but didnt want to and wanted to at the same time but then my bf call before i could purge...i was so irrated with him over the phone and i was just plain mean...when he asked what was wrong i didnt want to tell him that i was mad bc i wanted to purge....bc i knew that he would get mad at me and i hate it when he gets mad at me...well....there was a lot of long silence....but then the more i think about things the madder i got at other issues...such as how far away we have to be from each other...and just ugh!!! and it seem like he was blaming ME!!! me for going to school about 2hrs from where he lives....ummm....not my fault?....gezzzz....and it was just builting up and boiling inside me...overall, i think i was just utterly disgusted with myself for binging and not working out and my bf went to play soccer for 2hrs, thats his workout, and all i did was sit on my fat ass doing nothing...not even doing anything productive!!!! was i jealous of him?...bc he went and did something useful of his time while i sat here moping?....maybe.....maybe not....i dunno....the night ended badly...with my bf not wanting to get off the phone even though he was tired and falling asleep...and eventually he hung up, irriated i'm sure with me....me in still a foul mood bc i dont know what the f*ck is going on!!!....theres so many things that need to be done and i need to do.....but the matter of getting it done is not happening.....
side note: i told my bf some of my dreams...and i suppose they were only always the bad dreams...i guess i cant remember any good dreams....thats if i have any anyways, but dont think that i have had a good dream in awhile....most of my dreams are pretty dark and gloomy....but he said that i have a touble soul...maybe he's rite....this is probably why i rarely sleep at nite bc of these dreams/nightmares....they really arent the best of dreams....for example most recent dreams that i remember deals with dead ppls....1) i find a dead person wrapped up in plastic stuff in my drawer, and just bolted outta my room screaming like a mad person....2)i was in a mental house/hell (not the typical hell though) or some place. i wanted some cereal for breakfast but my cereal was hot...then a little boy begging for food but no one saw him but me and i gave him some cereal and i went to this lady who i thought was his mother and asked her why she wasnt feeding she wasnt feeding her child and she screamed at me that she didnt have a sone, her son was dead!!...dream skip to my apartment and some random kids that i promise dinner...going to house gave kids the keys..which apartment was mine?...there was two door on the same floor with the number 4 (the number 4 is consider bad luck in japanese and chinese culture bc it is similar to the word death...i know i'm not japanese or chinese but supersitious have its reasons rite?..) anyways the kid opens the wrong door...what do these dreams have anything to do with me?...are they trying to say something...
while at my stay at this college...it has not been the best of times...i'm in massive debt bc its a private college, but my parents really wanted me to go here....ugh...things i do to TRY to make them at least some what happy but they still arent happy....why bother?.....i suppose all i can really do is keep trying...and also deep down inside i just want their approval...thats all i want...i just want to know that no matter what choices i make in life things will be okay....(and of course i'm not one to try and ruin my or other ppls life on purpose)....things have so much of a deeper meaning than what it really looks like...if only i can make them understand...but then i dont understand them sometimes/many times either....so =/ yea....my roommate that i did have gave me massive about of issues...but shes gone now...only down the hall though...and then there is just so many things that happened this year of my college experience that i REGRET soo soo much!! i wish i could take things back and not do the things i did....but i cant change the pass i know....but i think that mite be one of my problem as well...i cant let go of the pass....i cant forgive myself...
**God please help me!!!**
(sorry this entry is so so long...i just had a lot to say and idk how to do a cut)
side note: i told my bf some of my dreams...and i suppose they were only always the bad dreams...i guess i cant remember any good dreams....thats if i have any anyways, but dont think that i have had a good dream in awhile....most of my dreams are pretty dark and gloomy....but he said that i have a touble soul...maybe he's rite....this is probably why i rarely sleep at nite bc of these dreams/nightmares....they really arent the best of dreams....for example most recent dreams that i remember deals with dead ppls....1) i find a dead person wrapped up in plastic stuff in my drawer, and just bolted outta my room screaming like a mad person....2)i was in a mental house/hell (not the typical hell though) or some place. i wanted some cereal for breakfast but my cereal was hot...then a little boy begging for food but no one saw him but me and i gave him some cereal and i went to this lady who i thought was his mother and asked her why she wasnt feeding she wasnt feeding her child and she screamed at me that she didnt have a sone, her son was dead!!...dream skip to my apartment and some random kids that i promise dinner...going to house gave kids the keys..which apartment was mine?...there was two door on the same floor with the number 4 (the number 4 is consider bad luck in japanese and chinese culture bc it is similar to the word death...i know i'm not japanese or chinese but supersitious have its reasons rite?..) anyways the kid opens the wrong door...what do these dreams have anything to do with me?...are they trying to say something...
while at my stay at this college...it has not been the best of times...i'm in massive debt bc its a private college, but my parents really wanted me to go here....ugh...things i do to TRY to make them at least some what happy but they still arent happy....why bother?.....i suppose all i can really do is keep trying...and also deep down inside i just want their approval...thats all i want...i just want to know that no matter what choices i make in life things will be okay....(and of course i'm not one to try and ruin my or other ppls life on purpose)....things have so much of a deeper meaning than what it really looks like...if only i can make them understand...but then i dont understand them sometimes/many times either....so =/ yea....my roommate that i did have gave me massive about of issues...but shes gone now...only down the hall though...and then there is just so many things that happened this year of my college experience that i REGRET soo soo much!! i wish i could take things back and not do the things i did....but i cant change the pass i know....but i think that mite be one of my problem as well...i cant let go of the pass....i cant forgive myself...
**God please help me!!!**
(sorry this entry is so so long...i just had a lot to say and idk how to do a cut)