Sometimes i wonder...
What the hell i'm doing here?
What am i going to do with my life?
Because at the minute it's a bag of wank. And i hate it.
I hate my life and i hate myself.
Perfect combination.
Looks like i have nothing going for me.
I hate sixth form, so i try to sort things out myself. I go to the teachers i need to talk to. The ones whos lessons i struggle with, and they all say the same thing, 'You're capable of doing it Laura. Your work is always of a high grade'.
To be honest, i appreciate them trying to make me feel better, but it doesn't work. It doesn't help sort my problems out, it just makes decision making even harder for me. What the fuck am i meant to do?
I want to be a Clinical Psychologist, but i don't enjoy my Psychology lessons.
I love English but only Miss Purdy's half.
I enjoy Stats but only Miss Strawbridge's lessons.
And i enjoy Sociology but it's like being in a room of wild animals. I can't concentrate, and i don't get my work done as much as i would if the room was pretty silent.
I have to do the majority of work at home, because there's not a single place in 6th form that's even moderately quiet.
It just annoys me. And i'm fed up of it.
School was the least of my problems. But things just seem to be piling up.
I want to do AS and A Levels, but the way things are going, i'll be working in Iceland for the rest of my fucking life!
On a good note, i went to see Miss Boyer-White today.
For the first time in ages we actually had a proper conversation, which cheered me up no end.
And she gave me a hug.
At last... I can finally talk to the one person who understands me more than anyone else. But she has her own problems, so i won't tell her everything. It wouldn't fair on her, and it'd make me extremely selfish.
But she wants me to talk to her Monday, so i think i'll go, after i've been to see Ann.
I'm really really annoyed. Yet i can't do anything about it.
I can eat 'til i pop. Just to make me feel better. Then there's there feelings of disgust that follow.
So i throw up.
I can cut myself, but they only go really red and sore in the morning, then i have to spend a week or so trying to cover them up.
I can rant and rave, but that never gets me anywhere.
I wish sometimes, that i wasn't here.
x