(no subject)
warning: some feelings may get hurt by reading this, but this is my journal and i can say what i want.
it is monday of the last week of school. i dont know if i am excited by this, or upset by this. tonite pushed me to the point of being excited to go home, but then i got a reality smack in the face of what home life is like, and now i am once again torn. i thought things would be different when i went home, ya know, i have changed so much, but people don't know that, so i can't expect it to be different. but i am sick of the rumors and lies and just everything back home that is not true about me. and if it is, it is non of your fucking business anyways. i was so happy to get away from it all and come to keene. but here, there is a lot of things that i can't take. i don't trust people, and i am reminded why tonite. no offense to anyone, cuz i love my friends more than anything, but i have a really hard time trusting people. i have been stabbed in the back numerous times. there is one person here who i can trust with everything, i don't know why just her, but that's just the way it is. some people take this personally, and they shouldn't. i only trust this person more than anything because she has never done a thing to betray me or stab me in the back, she has always been here for me, and has never judged me. i hope i have done the same for her. and if someone gets offended that i tell this person more than them, what am i supposed to do? there is nothing i can do, i am not going to tell someone something that i feel uncomfortable about just to make them a better friend. i have done that too often and got hurt too many times. i love you both equally and you are both my best friends, so please do not take this personal.
on that note, i am semi happy to go home and see my kitten. i miss her a very lot. i also miss my family and friends back there. my summer if gonna be off the heezy, but im also going to be very busy. im so psyched to work at tweeter center and to see everyone from peppercorns again! oh how i miss their food. but i am going to miss this place terribly. 8 months of living with these people and seeing them everyday, it's going to be so hard to say goodbye. but i'll deal, i mean i have to. and next year with my 2 favorites will make up for lost time over the summer. i can't wait for next year!
school is dwindling down and the work is bundling up. i passed in one final, and took the another one and did that paper today. now i have to write my english paper and take my pshych final. i hope i do well, i need the boost in gpa, but more so of the self esteem. my school work and environment has been getting to me all too much lately, and i have been feeling quite dumb. so please lord, let me pass my finals with decent grades.
last night, i was reminded of kerri. my friend googled me and she found the website that my brother made. when she said i didn't want to see what she found, i did not realize what it was, so i told her to send me it. i broke down. looking at her picture when i haven't seen her face for years was upsetting. and reading what people wrote. kerri, if you're listening, i hope you are doing okay up there. keep smiling :)
i don't know what i would do without the gym these last few weeks. i think it is the only thing keeping me sane. i didn't go much last week, but i was hurting and grouchy and all that fun stuff. but i am back on track now, and thank god cuz i need it. it is like my source of ventation. it doesn't judge me and it doesn't talk back. and when im there i can just run in peace and listen to my music without people whining in the backround or complaining about something.
wow this entry was extremly personal, and i am sorry for any feelings that have been hurt. on that note, i am going to study some more or maybe go to bed.
everybody judging me
knowing nothing about me
causing insecurities
cause of someone's jealousy
ps...rip benji's pic