(no subject)
well. its been...over a year...theres been a lot. i have returned to livejournal because its where i always used to come to get it out & have a few friendly ears on the other end...mostly nicky. which is terribly funny because the thing thats pressing on my mind at the moment makes me think of you...
see...theres this boy. with me, isnt that usually the case? well hes pretty splendid. also, he has a girlfriend. the whole situation makes me think of the whole daniel thing...only its different. because where daniel & i never acknowledged any kind of anything between us...well...every time i see this one its discussed. which is odd. i dont know if that makes it better or worse...its odd. theres no way to pretend its not real...or one sided...which i guess is good for my brain, but still...the tension is insane...when im around him it takes all my self control, every fiber of my being is fighting against my desire to simply pounce on him...the word attraction doesnt seem to do much justice to the feeling.
ive been staring at ryan for a rather long time...a year plus...mostly because i find him wildly attractive. hes all angles & floppy hair & expressive & awkward...& a while ago we started randomly having very short conversations at the bar every so often...& then decided to hang out away from the bar...well...my self inflicted brain & heart & intense sexual frustration compounds every time we are around each other. he is genuinely splendid.
i like his brain. i like the way it works. its odd to find a person like him around here. which makes sense because he isnt from here. im kinda glad that our friendship didnt start earlier though...because while it is terrible that im going to only have a few months to get to know him...& already i feel i have a good footing...if this whole thing had started earlier, i would be even more doomed...i need to get back to philly. july cant come quickly enough to save me...but he would complicate things if we had more time together...he is already complicating things...
most obviously because of the girlfriend. because i have never REALLY been that girl...ive been thought to be as much often times...but ive never actually been the other woman to a relationship...but seriously...its difficult. & i know it is on his end as well. which is troublesome.
ive always been of the opinion that you can STEAL people, even when ive been the wronged party...loryn didnt steal justin. we were already fucked 3945439 ways past fucked when she entered the shit show. otherwise he would never have looked twice at her. because when youre really happy, when youre where youre supposed to be, with who you are supposed to be with, then other people arent an issue. sure, random slight attractions are normal...but you dont have conversations like he & i have had in such cases...you arent constantly fighting against an overwhelming desire to attack someones face with your face...which, due to all the talking about our situation, i know isnt only something i am hyper aware of...
& while there is no physical anything going on, as a girl, i get his lady being upset...which last night was made an issue when our waffle house trip had to be cut short because of a billion text messages & things we didnt really talk about past his telling me he thinks shes upset...i knew the day was coming, but blargh.
there is something between he & i & while neither of us are acting on it, its undeniable...which for a girl is probably worse...that whole emotional vs physical thing...i dont know...its all weird & painful & stuff...but im not going to do anything to change the situation.
im entirely fascinated by him. he mesmerizes me. i love watching him talk. i love the words that come out of his mouth. which i have to make myself not stare at. or touch.
i sat bolt upright from a dream last night in which we were hanging out on the floor of his bedroom talking. he was sitting next to me, i was reclined against the edge of the bed, & i looked up & he was just talking about whatever we were talking about & i was just watching him, gesticulate wildly like he does, & i just reached up & touched his lips...he stopped talking when my hand was closing in & looked at me. he just watched me do it. then we just sat there for a minute or so...then he smiled that ridiculous adorable crooked smile of his. i sat up & started to apologize but before i could even really get the words out he kissed me...thats round about when i woke up.
its not anywhere near the first time ive dreamt about kissing him, nor do i expect it to be the last...
ive only had a few legitimate relationships in my life...& all the ones i ended were because i realized that i didnt feel about the guy the way you should when youre with someone...what was the final straw that made me realize this vitally important thing? HAVING FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE. & this boy is smart...like...REALLY smart...if that thought hasnt passed through his brain...well...i just dont even know...im wondering how much longer before we are having one of our chats about the tension & situation we keep making worse for ourselves that i bring that up...ive already told him why i ended those previous relationships...so...he knows where i stand...
he once said to me "i wonder what you must think of katie & i's relationship..." my response was truthful, "i try not to judge other peoples relationships...it only leads to trouble..." but i do think that there is SOMETHING going on within their relationship that has nothing to do with me. im not a cause. or even really a symptom...im an outlier.
as i was driving him home last night, after he told me he thought that she was upset about "us", i couldnt help but think to myself that sometime soon, SOMEONE in this situation is going to drop the other shoe, say the thing that needs to be said, & then something is going to change...im worried about the outcome...i know from personal experience i can go years without acting on my desires...& we only have a few months left, so we are good on my end...but when i was in the other 2 sets of shoes...i didnt.
when i realized justin had feelings for loryn, i left. sure, he did the breaking up, but i flat out asked him, he didnt lie, & i refused to play second string.
& when i realized that i had feelings for daniel after justin & i had gotten back together, even though i knew daniel & i were not going to happen, i ended it.
& with blaise, same thing...
but im not the one who can do anything to change anything about where we are...im the outlier...
see...theres this boy. with me, isnt that usually the case? well hes pretty splendid. also, he has a girlfriend. the whole situation makes me think of the whole daniel thing...only its different. because where daniel & i never acknowledged any kind of anything between us...well...every time i see this one its discussed. which is odd. i dont know if that makes it better or worse...its odd. theres no way to pretend its not real...or one sided...which i guess is good for my brain, but still...the tension is insane...when im around him it takes all my self control, every fiber of my being is fighting against my desire to simply pounce on him...the word attraction doesnt seem to do much justice to the feeling.
ive been staring at ryan for a rather long time...a year plus...mostly because i find him wildly attractive. hes all angles & floppy hair & expressive & awkward...& a while ago we started randomly having very short conversations at the bar every so often...& then decided to hang out away from the bar...well...my self inflicted brain & heart & intense sexual frustration compounds every time we are around each other. he is genuinely splendid.
i like his brain. i like the way it works. its odd to find a person like him around here. which makes sense because he isnt from here. im kinda glad that our friendship didnt start earlier though...because while it is terrible that im going to only have a few months to get to know him...& already i feel i have a good footing...if this whole thing had started earlier, i would be even more doomed...i need to get back to philly. july cant come quickly enough to save me...but he would complicate things if we had more time together...he is already complicating things...
most obviously because of the girlfriend. because i have never REALLY been that girl...ive been thought to be as much often times...but ive never actually been the other woman to a relationship...but seriously...its difficult. & i know it is on his end as well. which is troublesome.
ive always been of the opinion that you can STEAL people, even when ive been the wronged party...loryn didnt steal justin. we were already fucked 3945439 ways past fucked when she entered the shit show. otherwise he would never have looked twice at her. because when youre really happy, when youre where youre supposed to be, with who you are supposed to be with, then other people arent an issue. sure, random slight attractions are normal...but you dont have conversations like he & i have had in such cases...you arent constantly fighting against an overwhelming desire to attack someones face with your face...which, due to all the talking about our situation, i know isnt only something i am hyper aware of...
& while there is no physical anything going on, as a girl, i get his lady being upset...which last night was made an issue when our waffle house trip had to be cut short because of a billion text messages & things we didnt really talk about past his telling me he thinks shes upset...i knew the day was coming, but blargh.
there is something between he & i & while neither of us are acting on it, its undeniable...which for a girl is probably worse...that whole emotional vs physical thing...i dont know...its all weird & painful & stuff...but im not going to do anything to change the situation.
im entirely fascinated by him. he mesmerizes me. i love watching him talk. i love the words that come out of his mouth. which i have to make myself not stare at. or touch.
i sat bolt upright from a dream last night in which we were hanging out on the floor of his bedroom talking. he was sitting next to me, i was reclined against the edge of the bed, & i looked up & he was just talking about whatever we were talking about & i was just watching him, gesticulate wildly like he does, & i just reached up & touched his lips...he stopped talking when my hand was closing in & looked at me. he just watched me do it. then we just sat there for a minute or so...then he smiled that ridiculous adorable crooked smile of his. i sat up & started to apologize but before i could even really get the words out he kissed me...thats round about when i woke up.
its not anywhere near the first time ive dreamt about kissing him, nor do i expect it to be the last...
ive only had a few legitimate relationships in my life...& all the ones i ended were because i realized that i didnt feel about the guy the way you should when youre with someone...what was the final straw that made me realize this vitally important thing? HAVING FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE. & this boy is smart...like...REALLY smart...if that thought hasnt passed through his brain...well...i just dont even know...im wondering how much longer before we are having one of our chats about the tension & situation we keep making worse for ourselves that i bring that up...ive already told him why i ended those previous relationships...so...he knows where i stand...
he once said to me "i wonder what you must think of katie & i's relationship..." my response was truthful, "i try not to judge other peoples relationships...it only leads to trouble..." but i do think that there is SOMETHING going on within their relationship that has nothing to do with me. im not a cause. or even really a symptom...im an outlier.
as i was driving him home last night, after he told me he thought that she was upset about "us", i couldnt help but think to myself that sometime soon, SOMEONE in this situation is going to drop the other shoe, say the thing that needs to be said, & then something is going to change...im worried about the outcome...i know from personal experience i can go years without acting on my desires...& we only have a few months left, so we are good on my end...but when i was in the other 2 sets of shoes...i didnt.
when i realized justin had feelings for loryn, i left. sure, he did the breaking up, but i flat out asked him, he didnt lie, & i refused to play second string.
& when i realized that i had feelings for daniel after justin & i had gotten back together, even though i knew daniel & i were not going to happen, i ended it.
& with blaise, same thing...
but im not the one who can do anything to change anything about where we are...im the outlier...