So. 2012 in review.
For those of you who follow me on FB, nothing new here. But for the rest of you... well, 2012 was, BY FAR, the worst year of my life.
It started out pretty good, with a cruise to Jamaica, Cozumel and Grand Cayman. But the cruise was marred by the fact that, starting about October of 2011, I was having a lot of back pain, particularly in the right sacroiliac joint. I went to a rheumatologist and he gave me a cortisone shot, which didn't help. I went to another rheumatologist who put me on Celebrex. Didn't help. It felt exactly like someone had just stuck an ice pick in there and left it. So finally I got prescribed lidocaine patches and used those and went on with my life.
In December of 2011 I auditioned for "Cabaret" here in Bryan (a three day audition process! WTF) and got my first lead role in a musical: Fraulein Scheider. Great role. I didn't have to do much dancing (a waltz in a couple of scenes) and it was a great show. The cast was amazing as was the orchestra and it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I did it. My aunt drove down here 5 hours from Paris to see it, and then drove 5 hours back the next day. I still can't believe it. She was really impressed. So that was in March. I was still getting by on the lidocaine patches but as soon as the show ended I went downhill FAST. Gradually the pain got worse and bending over and straightening up were not fun. Anytime I would try to stand or walk the entire back left side of my body would go into spasms. I could stand for about 5 minutes at a time. Walking? Hurt but I had to do it. Sitting made it stop hurting, however. I went to 6 doctors here in town, one who took X-rays (remember this) and by the end of June, I was starting to lose function in my legs. I'd go to stand or move them and they just wouldn't move. Every day was just existing in a haze of pain. I got all my affairs in order and was working on finding a home for the cats, and was planning to kill myself. It was that bad and 6 doctors couldn't figure out WTF was wrong. I got through JazzFest by taking bigtime doses of prednisone, and I did spend one day in the hotel. Prednisone sucks.
So a girl I knew sort of, Gigi (she mostly does musicals) calls me, out of the blue and says "I'm taking you to the Fondren Clinic at the Texas Orthopedic Hospital in Houston. Call and make an appointment." So I thought okay, I'll give it one more chance. So I made an appointment with a spine surgeon there--the receptionist just put me through to his office when I told her I was having back pain--named Dr. Wimberly. He looked at my xrays taken in March, and saw what the problem was, but wanted an MRI. So I went down again and had the MRI and then met with Wimberly.
What was wrong? Here's a tongue twister: spondylolisthesis. Wikipedia has a great article about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spondylolisthesis
My friends then named me the Gimpasaurus Rex. I had a cool cane that had purple flowers on it and folded up.
Basically, my second to last lumbar vertebra (L4) had slipped (along with the spine above it) out over the last vertebra (L5) so my spine had literally nothing to rest on. And the spinal cord was being crushed as was a nerve. That was the pain part. So I took one look and said "operate". He did, on August 8. That was fun preparing for: you can't bend, lift, or twist. So how to feed my cats? My petsitter and friend came in every day for 5 weeks to scoop the litter . I had a little grabber thing so I could get the bowls off the floor. My friend Kristi cooked me portion sizes of lasagna and other casseroles so all I had to do was heat them up and my freezer was full.
After the surgery (a spinal fusion--he pulled the vertebra back in place, put bone dust between the two and secured it with a titanium rod, then decompressed the nerve) which took about an hour, my first thought on waking up was "It doesn't hurt anymore!" And it didn't. I was on dilaudid, which is hella strong, but was in very little pain really. He went in through the front, over the old hysterectomy scar. Kristi and Gigi and I went down to Houston the night before and stayed in a Mariott there in the Texas Medical Center. They had me laughing so hard, although I kept them up that night because any time I would move, I'd cry out. My aunt and uncle came down from Paris and were there. Surgery went perfectly and I was now the Lesser Gimpasaurus Rex.
Surgery was Wednesday, I was out of there Friday, stayed with Kristi till Sunday, and then was home. I had to wear a back and leg brace, and it was hot as hell. I wore a wifebeater underneath. I couldn't wear shorts because the leg brace part would rub a raw spot, so it was wife-beater, brace, yoga pants and t-shirt all summer. Sometimes I'd wear a dress and just deal with the rubbing. To go to the bathroom I had to take the dress off, take the brace off, pee, put the brace back on, and put the dress back on. But I got to where I could do it in no time, and I learned to sleep in the brace (if you get tired enough, you will sleep). After 8 weeks, I got rid of the brace and was just mini-gimp to my friends. I could drive at 3 weeks after surgery (bit tricky at first with the brace) and then at my 3 month checkup Wimberly took xrays and said the fusion is healing perfectly. I was having a real problem with back stiffness in the morning, but he sent me to physical therapy, which has helped immensely. I can walk 2 miles and every day my back is better and better. It's a long recovery, and you're not considered fully healed until a year, but that's fine.
I spent a large portion of the year in considerable pain, and then had to deal with not being able to walk very far. I was co-directing "Taming of the Shrew" at the time I had surgery (oddly, the other director had surgery the same day as I; he had his gall bladder out) and it was very hard for me to not be able to do the things I wanted to do. I don't like asking for help.
But.
I did learn to ask for help this year. I had to. I finally had to break down and say okay, um, would someone go to the grocery store for me? (interesting thing about men: if you give them a grocery list, with SPECIFIC brands listed, you still don't know what you'll end up with but I was so grateful it was all rather funny). I found out who my friends were in a big way.
When we were driving back to Bryan, after meeting with Wimberly and scheduling surgery, I saw, as we turned onto Highway 6, a beautiful rainbow in the sky. And I took that as a sign that finally things would be all right. And they are, but it hasn't come easy. I wasn't nervous at all before surgery. I figured it was out of my hands.
So I finished physical therapy last week and that, to me, was a milestone. That was the marker that finally all this was OVER. I still have to keep moving, and I had a dinner party last night, so my back was very unhappy about 2 days on my feet getting things cooked and the like, but that will get better and better.
I guess I will never know why this happened. As for the spondo, Wimberly said I was probably born with an inherent weakness there and over time (and I have arthritis) it just finally couldn't take the strain. And having a big rack didn't help things, either. He was pretty funny about that. His resident (who is the most beautiful man I've ever seen) was very amused by Gigi and Kristi. But the thing I was most afraid of--losing my independence--well, I lost it. And it sucked. And the not knowing what was wrong sucked too, as well as all the "Oh, just get up and move more. Your back is fine. Stop doctor shopping. etc" that I got from people. Once they saw the MRI though, that shut EVERYONE up.
I still don't like asking for help, but I will, if needed, and people LIKE to help. I have enough friends that it wasn't all on one person, either. I know who my friends are. I am much more in touch with my emotions than I was before, too. The physical pain was bad, but the loneliness (no one could possibly know how I felt) and fear (not being able to move your legs or having incontinence issues is terrifying) was, by far, the worst part of it. So emotionally it was a bad time.
But I made it through. Some people say well, God loves you and has a reason for the trials of life. If God loves us so, why would he put someone in that much pain? No answers there. I am stronger, however, and a few people have said that I'm "softer". I'll still make a cutting remark and put people in their place, but as a rule, they say, I'm kinder. I can't really comment on that.
So that's why I drifted away. I was in this horrible, scary, pain-glazed world and I couldn't see beyond that. Because the pain never went away. not when I slept, nothing. It was always there, and so your energies go towards dealing with that. Chronic pain has some pretty interesting effects on you, including some cognitive effects.
This year, I'm making up for lost time. Going on a cruise in a week--I figure I deserve it!--to Cozumel, Isla Roatan and Belize. We went on the Carnival Magic last year and will be on the same ship this year. Kristi and I are going (we went on the first cruise together and OMG it was fun!) and we travel together well. We got a room with a cove balcony and are hooked. I'd say we spent 40% of at-sea time sitting on our balcony and blowing bubbles and watching the ocean! Then in March, I'm going to Carmel and San Francisco with the lovely lagreyeyes. April, I may go to NYC. May is New Orleans and Jazzfest, and June looks like Los Angeles and Palm Springs. I'm thinking about directing "Othello" in the fall, and I've got an AMAZING concept for it, though I still need to run it by people to see if it's workable. Still acting, still directing, still dealing with cats. And I'm much wiser now. (though I still have a long way to go).
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
It started out pretty good, with a cruise to Jamaica, Cozumel and Grand Cayman. But the cruise was marred by the fact that, starting about October of 2011, I was having a lot of back pain, particularly in the right sacroiliac joint. I went to a rheumatologist and he gave me a cortisone shot, which didn't help. I went to another rheumatologist who put me on Celebrex. Didn't help. It felt exactly like someone had just stuck an ice pick in there and left it. So finally I got prescribed lidocaine patches and used those and went on with my life.
In December of 2011 I auditioned for "Cabaret" here in Bryan (a three day audition process! WTF) and got my first lead role in a musical: Fraulein Scheider. Great role. I didn't have to do much dancing (a waltz in a couple of scenes) and it was a great show. The cast was amazing as was the orchestra and it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I did it. My aunt drove down here 5 hours from Paris to see it, and then drove 5 hours back the next day. I still can't believe it. She was really impressed. So that was in March. I was still getting by on the lidocaine patches but as soon as the show ended I went downhill FAST. Gradually the pain got worse and bending over and straightening up were not fun. Anytime I would try to stand or walk the entire back left side of my body would go into spasms. I could stand for about 5 minutes at a time. Walking? Hurt but I had to do it. Sitting made it stop hurting, however. I went to 6 doctors here in town, one who took X-rays (remember this) and by the end of June, I was starting to lose function in my legs. I'd go to stand or move them and they just wouldn't move. Every day was just existing in a haze of pain. I got all my affairs in order and was working on finding a home for the cats, and was planning to kill myself. It was that bad and 6 doctors couldn't figure out WTF was wrong. I got through JazzFest by taking bigtime doses of prednisone, and I did spend one day in the hotel. Prednisone sucks.
So a girl I knew sort of, Gigi (she mostly does musicals) calls me, out of the blue and says "I'm taking you to the Fondren Clinic at the Texas Orthopedic Hospital in Houston. Call and make an appointment." So I thought okay, I'll give it one more chance. So I made an appointment with a spine surgeon there--the receptionist just put me through to his office when I told her I was having back pain--named Dr. Wimberly. He looked at my xrays taken in March, and saw what the problem was, but wanted an MRI. So I went down again and had the MRI and then met with Wimberly.
What was wrong? Here's a tongue twister: spondylolisthesis. Wikipedia has a great article about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spondylolisthesis
My friends then named me the Gimpasaurus Rex. I had a cool cane that had purple flowers on it and folded up.
Basically, my second to last lumbar vertebra (L4) had slipped (along with the spine above it) out over the last vertebra (L5) so my spine had literally nothing to rest on. And the spinal cord was being crushed as was a nerve. That was the pain part. So I took one look and said "operate". He did, on August 8. That was fun preparing for: you can't bend, lift, or twist. So how to feed my cats? My petsitter and friend came in every day for 5 weeks to scoop the litter . I had a little grabber thing so I could get the bowls off the floor. My friend Kristi cooked me portion sizes of lasagna and other casseroles so all I had to do was heat them up and my freezer was full.
After the surgery (a spinal fusion--he pulled the vertebra back in place, put bone dust between the two and secured it with a titanium rod, then decompressed the nerve) which took about an hour, my first thought on waking up was "It doesn't hurt anymore!" And it didn't. I was on dilaudid, which is hella strong, but was in very little pain really. He went in through the front, over the old hysterectomy scar. Kristi and Gigi and I went down to Houston the night before and stayed in a Mariott there in the Texas Medical Center. They had me laughing so hard, although I kept them up that night because any time I would move, I'd cry out. My aunt and uncle came down from Paris and were there. Surgery went perfectly and I was now the Lesser Gimpasaurus Rex.
Surgery was Wednesday, I was out of there Friday, stayed with Kristi till Sunday, and then was home. I had to wear a back and leg brace, and it was hot as hell. I wore a wifebeater underneath. I couldn't wear shorts because the leg brace part would rub a raw spot, so it was wife-beater, brace, yoga pants and t-shirt all summer. Sometimes I'd wear a dress and just deal with the rubbing. To go to the bathroom I had to take the dress off, take the brace off, pee, put the brace back on, and put the dress back on. But I got to where I could do it in no time, and I learned to sleep in the brace (if you get tired enough, you will sleep). After 8 weeks, I got rid of the brace and was just mini-gimp to my friends. I could drive at 3 weeks after surgery (bit tricky at first with the brace) and then at my 3 month checkup Wimberly took xrays and said the fusion is healing perfectly. I was having a real problem with back stiffness in the morning, but he sent me to physical therapy, which has helped immensely. I can walk 2 miles and every day my back is better and better. It's a long recovery, and you're not considered fully healed until a year, but that's fine.
I spent a large portion of the year in considerable pain, and then had to deal with not being able to walk very far. I was co-directing "Taming of the Shrew" at the time I had surgery (oddly, the other director had surgery the same day as I; he had his gall bladder out) and it was very hard for me to not be able to do the things I wanted to do. I don't like asking for help.
But.
I did learn to ask for help this year. I had to. I finally had to break down and say okay, um, would someone go to the grocery store for me? (interesting thing about men: if you give them a grocery list, with SPECIFIC brands listed, you still don't know what you'll end up with but I was so grateful it was all rather funny). I found out who my friends were in a big way.
When we were driving back to Bryan, after meeting with Wimberly and scheduling surgery, I saw, as we turned onto Highway 6, a beautiful rainbow in the sky. And I took that as a sign that finally things would be all right. And they are, but it hasn't come easy. I wasn't nervous at all before surgery. I figured it was out of my hands.
So I finished physical therapy last week and that, to me, was a milestone. That was the marker that finally all this was OVER. I still have to keep moving, and I had a dinner party last night, so my back was very unhappy about 2 days on my feet getting things cooked and the like, but that will get better and better.
I guess I will never know why this happened. As for the spondo, Wimberly said I was probably born with an inherent weakness there and over time (and I have arthritis) it just finally couldn't take the strain. And having a big rack didn't help things, either. He was pretty funny about that. His resident (who is the most beautiful man I've ever seen) was very amused by Gigi and Kristi. But the thing I was most afraid of--losing my independence--well, I lost it. And it sucked. And the not knowing what was wrong sucked too, as well as all the "Oh, just get up and move more. Your back is fine. Stop doctor shopping. etc" that I got from people. Once they saw the MRI though, that shut EVERYONE up.
I still don't like asking for help, but I will, if needed, and people LIKE to help. I have enough friends that it wasn't all on one person, either. I know who my friends are. I am much more in touch with my emotions than I was before, too. The physical pain was bad, but the loneliness (no one could possibly know how I felt) and fear (not being able to move your legs or having incontinence issues is terrifying) was, by far, the worst part of it. So emotionally it was a bad time.
But I made it through. Some people say well, God loves you and has a reason for the trials of life. If God loves us so, why would he put someone in that much pain? No answers there. I am stronger, however, and a few people have said that I'm "softer". I'll still make a cutting remark and put people in their place, but as a rule, they say, I'm kinder. I can't really comment on that.
So that's why I drifted away. I was in this horrible, scary, pain-glazed world and I couldn't see beyond that. Because the pain never went away. not when I slept, nothing. It was always there, and so your energies go towards dealing with that. Chronic pain has some pretty interesting effects on you, including some cognitive effects.
This year, I'm making up for lost time. Going on a cruise in a week--I figure I deserve it!--to Cozumel, Isla Roatan and Belize. We went on the Carnival Magic last year and will be on the same ship this year. Kristi and I are going (we went on the first cruise together and OMG it was fun!) and we travel together well. We got a room with a cove balcony and are hooked. I'd say we spent 40% of at-sea time sitting on our balcony and blowing bubbles and watching the ocean! Then in March, I'm going to Carmel and San Francisco with the lovely lagreyeyes. April, I may go to NYC. May is New Orleans and Jazzfest, and June looks like Los Angeles and Palm Springs. I'm thinking about directing "Othello" in the fall, and I've got an AMAZING concept for it, though I still need to run it by people to see if it's workable. Still acting, still directing, still dealing with cats. And I'm much wiser now. (though I still have a long way to go).
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.