just...
the way they are.
i never know what state i will find her in.
i come home and quietly close the door behind me.
i do not yell out for her like i would have before.
i walk into the first few rooms. and after no sign, climb up and down the stairs to see if she is working or resting.
i sometimes find her, the oxygen mask over her nose and mouth, eyes shut, hand grasping head and mask...
and other times she is feeling okay and smiling as i reach out to give her a hug.
as i get ready to go on to college, i find that my parents are letting me go more and more. and yet, the more freedoms i get, the more i blindly reach out towards them, as if it will be the last time they have any control over me, and i dont want total independence. they do not ask as many questions, and so i offer the information voluntarily. they do not ask when i will return, and so i mechanically say "not too late", nor where i will be, or with whom.
i seem to have been prepared for this inevitable next step. i have been led up to a big, oak door, with a brass knocker and large round circles as knobs. all along, my hand has been held, my whims and pleasures have been met and cared for ... and now, as i face this unknown passage, on which is written "FUTURE," i stare blankly, and unsure of myself.
with trepidation and extreme care, i walk across the gold-laden threshold into the unforeseen.
i walk up to the first empty chair in the large lecture hall. most of the seats have been filled by other students like myself. the one out of 15,000 other nameless faces is on my right. right hand outstretched, i turn towards this meaningless number, so similar to myself. "hello stranger. I am...."
it seems too "perfect". what are the chances that i will ever see this person again? later today? tomorrow? or even 4 years from now, as i sit in this same room, only to leave, rather than enter.
my thoughts are blurry - not as clear as the images, which sometimes only last for instances at a time. and yet they are all reocurring. when will they end? i s'pose only after the facts have happened. then i can go over my 'future,' as seen now, and compare it to the 'present,' what will be.
i do not fight the unknown. nor shy back from what must be... i wait anxiously, and expectantly. eager, and yet reserved.
que sera, sera... and so it happens.
this is a reminder about the yard sale on sunday, may 1st. pls let me know if you're interested. i plan on advertising it a bit in my neighborhood... maybe. anyway, just give me a rough estimate - if you could