my shitty family

[nkn1313]

Ok wow, totally breaking down. tears. lots of tears. need to get this out now, i know its not the place but i dont know what to do anymore. These are the times that I wish my dad had never left home at all and still had his job here in seattle and we were a family. I'd give up the living alone, the money, and take back the fights with my parents to have a family again. It's become a mess as it sounds from my mom. My dad is .. well frankly in my eyes and alcoholic. I'm not even gonna delve into the packs of cigarettes that he's been smoking a day since he was 15, that causes enough fights with me and him9all of them in one way or another). But now it's constant partying and drinking and missing flights because he has to have a smoke and a drink. And spending no time with my mom, and only wanting to go out dancing with the young neighbors. And uhh, it's my mom's birthday and they aren't talking b/c he wanted to throw a party to thank the neighbor for inviting them over the other night and my mom said no, on another day, today was her day and she didn't wanna cook for a party. And now they aren't talking and i doubt he's doing anything for her. It kills me hearing my mom cry on the phone and I can't do shit. I wanna yell and scream at my dad to talk some sense into him but the damn guy won't listen to anyone! I'm not scared to stand up to him and get in an argument but I'm not there. Its like, he's been away from us for so long now, living alone, like a bachler pretty much that he;s forgotten he has a family and that he's a husband. Its like a midlife crisis but it's been going on for 5 years. It...god!@. ...I hate this, I wish i had a good relationship with my dad, god i wish that. but fuck i don't even feel like i have a dad anymore. figli;wlrhfioewi never talk to him and when i do, it god, sounds like he's drunk. And yea like I try and make it light hearted, like saying 'oh yea so my dad got drunk and threw out my pizza, and he was so drunk i guess that he doesn 't remember, haha isnt' the funny." no its not fucking funny, that's fucked up. Drinking at 11 am is fucked up!I don't know what to do. But....dammit....I know i'm not 'handeling' it anymore. I can't go pretending that 'oh that's just dad' . God but nothing i say effects him. I was in tears once begging him to quit smoking, telling him that i want him at my wedding, to see his grandchildren, and ya he makes a face but does he do anything? no. Do i ever talk to him on the phone, no alot, the basic "how's school and what not" I don't understand why, me, his daughter doens't effect him. I don;t know what to do. And now I found myslef writting him an email about missing the flight b/c of ciggarettes and a drink and how it cost them $600. And My mom says he spends money like crazy and isn't concerned with paying off debts, wants to 'live for today'. FUck that's not responcible! You have a FAMILY! Mom doesn't have a job now and it's all you. And now I'm writting him another email telling him to shape up and appreciate mom being over there(especially on her birthday), but i sound like a parent lecturing a child. That's messed up. ANd i know in the end it doens' matter what i say. My dad isnt' gonna change. ANd that scares me b/c this is only gonna lead to bad things. Like him getting sick, or god forbid my parents getting divorsed(altho i never thought that could happen, idealist me) I don't see how a person can be so selfish that they act in a way that could have severe consecuences for not only themselves but their family. LIke I don't know what i would do without my dad. I'll be honest that i hate the guy as a person, but he's my dad and i love him. But it seems the fond memories are few and far between the alcohol and the fights when he is home. And I don't even know what to imagine his life is like in poland alone. I know that i hate him when he is drunk. And that seems like always to me now. .....

Apologies to everyone. This wasn't ment to ask for help, or assistance, or pity. I just needed to talk really not have anyone going "umm hmmm, yea" throughout the whole thing. Just needed to vent some anger and frustration. Do with it what you will.