Is there anybody out there?
I've spent a half hour thinking of those perfect words to begin with, but nothing that comes to mind satisfies.
Okay, with that out of the way, indulge me while I lay out my guts.
Almost ten years ago I started this journal. I was seventeen years old. I hated living. I had big dreams as a child, but came into maturity to find dreams were not handed out as coming-of-age gifts. I was crushed to discover all the things this child looked forward to in adulthood: talents, interests, hallmark-perfect friends and "true" love weren't guaranteed, and weren't always what I thought they should've been. My response to this horrible realization was shut myself away and pray for a miraculous change in my life. The four years I was most active on this journal, the 2001-2005 period represents that time. Those reading this who remember that time can guess that no miracles were witnessed.
Almost ten years ago I started this journal. I'm twenty-six now. I try daily to live by the advice of wise friends and not drown in regret for the way I handled things then, when I did not understand myself or the way of the world. I had talents, they were just what everyone said they were. I was an good writer for my age and I never worked at it to become so. But I hated writing because I wasn't the best, and I was too lazy to work at it and improve. I had interests. I loved music, I still do! I was flush with envy for the two friends of mine who were in bands, it was what I wanted to do. But music was no talent of mine in any way, shape, or form, and the hard work that goes into learning such a craft was beyond me at the time. The times I tried I was horrified by the embarassment of being bad at something I liked so much. I had some great friends. Many of which I have callously fled from in these last handful of years. I was too preoccupied with my own self-loathing to really be a good friend. I felt ashamed to be around them. I felt like they all grew up without me and I resolved to cut all ties with them so they wouldn't see me for what I saw myself to be. It was monstrously
selfish. And love... well...
Nothing can make a person feel more worthless than to perceive that he is unloved, or unloveable. A friend once told me that I rarely am given to being emotional, but when I am, it's to extremes. I have experienced love only twice in my life, and both times were from when I was a teenager. The first ignored me but I didn't care. It was worth the world just to
see her. I vividly recall her blue eyes glowing with a supernatural richness, like priceless jewels, when she looked at me. I recall coming home from school on a Friday afternoon, laying on the couch just thinking of her, getting up only when I realized how hungry I was mid-day Saturday. These feelings stayed with me even after she disappeared from my life. For a
time I thought they'd linger forever, but then another came along and this time it was even more powerful! She liked me! Not to the same degree of course, but it was wonderful all the same. She became the center of my life and I desperately tried to entertain her to keep her interest in me, and maybe to change it. But having no experience in these matters I was
without understanding. In her times of need I was unprepared to see beyond myself and I fear I lost her favor. I say I fear, because the greatest agony is that my memory is deficient regarding our falling out. I feel in my heart however that I abandoned her for these selfish reasons. She was a good friend, and had I been wiser I'd have treated her thusly.
In the past four years my life has turned for the better in a slow but definite manner. Having the same steady job over this period of time has given me perspective and self-respect, and while I still have my moments they are just that, moments. I really have to work at making myself a good person these days, and it's a slow process, but fulfilling. I've
seen the writing on the wall. The only way to be happy with myself is by working hard to be the person I foolishly imagined I would just magically become.
I rationalized years ago that I would hide from the world until I was satisfied I was worthy of being a part of it. A silly notion I know now, but nonetheless I am now prepared to join this world. I'm sick of hiding, I'm ready to be the person I always thought I should be, be the friend I always should've been.
It's been nearly ten years and everything seems different now. I'm not even sure anyone is around to read this, but this was the only place for this message. It needs to be here. If perhaps it's the last thing I ever post here, there could be no better last post. Many of the journals on this site are like stories to me, and a story without closure is no
good at all!
If anyone is still with me after all that, I have a conventional LJ entry for you.
I've going on vacation from my work starting tomorrow and it's about time. We've had three people out of action for various reasons and they've been working me like a dog because of it. I'm going down to Florida to visit Disneyworld with my roomate and her boyfriend, and I'll be back on Friday. I should be really excited, but I'm suffering from work overload I think, and it's all I can think of. I even have to work later today, and I'll be going from work to the
airport to catch a 10pm flight. Once on the plane, and out of range of my needy employers, it will be safe for me to be happy!
It's really time for me to go to bed. This was no quickie to write, let me tell you! Goodnight... whoever you are... *cue Vincent Price laugh*
Okay, with that out of the way, indulge me while I lay out my guts.
Almost ten years ago I started this journal. I was seventeen years old. I hated living. I had big dreams as a child, but came into maturity to find dreams were not handed out as coming-of-age gifts. I was crushed to discover all the things this child looked forward to in adulthood: talents, interests, hallmark-perfect friends and "true" love weren't guaranteed, and weren't always what I thought they should've been. My response to this horrible realization was shut myself away and pray for a miraculous change in my life. The four years I was most active on this journal, the 2001-2005 period represents that time. Those reading this who remember that time can guess that no miracles were witnessed.
Almost ten years ago I started this journal. I'm twenty-six now. I try daily to live by the advice of wise friends and not drown in regret for the way I handled things then, when I did not understand myself or the way of the world. I had talents, they were just what everyone said they were. I was an good writer for my age and I never worked at it to become so. But I hated writing because I wasn't the best, and I was too lazy to work at it and improve. I had interests. I loved music, I still do! I was flush with envy for the two friends of mine who were in bands, it was what I wanted to do. But music was no talent of mine in any way, shape, or form, and the hard work that goes into learning such a craft was beyond me at the time. The times I tried I was horrified by the embarassment of being bad at something I liked so much. I had some great friends. Many of which I have callously fled from in these last handful of years. I was too preoccupied with my own self-loathing to really be a good friend. I felt ashamed to be around them. I felt like they all grew up without me and I resolved to cut all ties with them so they wouldn't see me for what I saw myself to be. It was monstrously
selfish. And love... well...
Nothing can make a person feel more worthless than to perceive that he is unloved, or unloveable. A friend once told me that I rarely am given to being emotional, but when I am, it's to extremes. I have experienced love only twice in my life, and both times were from when I was a teenager. The first ignored me but I didn't care. It was worth the world just to
see her. I vividly recall her blue eyes glowing with a supernatural richness, like priceless jewels, when she looked at me. I recall coming home from school on a Friday afternoon, laying on the couch just thinking of her, getting up only when I realized how hungry I was mid-day Saturday. These feelings stayed with me even after she disappeared from my life. For a
time I thought they'd linger forever, but then another came along and this time it was even more powerful! She liked me! Not to the same degree of course, but it was wonderful all the same. She became the center of my life and I desperately tried to entertain her to keep her interest in me, and maybe to change it. But having no experience in these matters I was
without understanding. In her times of need I was unprepared to see beyond myself and I fear I lost her favor. I say I fear, because the greatest agony is that my memory is deficient regarding our falling out. I feel in my heart however that I abandoned her for these selfish reasons. She was a good friend, and had I been wiser I'd have treated her thusly.
In the past four years my life has turned for the better in a slow but definite manner. Having the same steady job over this period of time has given me perspective and self-respect, and while I still have my moments they are just that, moments. I really have to work at making myself a good person these days, and it's a slow process, but fulfilling. I've
seen the writing on the wall. The only way to be happy with myself is by working hard to be the person I foolishly imagined I would just magically become.
I rationalized years ago that I would hide from the world until I was satisfied I was worthy of being a part of it. A silly notion I know now, but nonetheless I am now prepared to join this world. I'm sick of hiding, I'm ready to be the person I always thought I should be, be the friend I always should've been.
It's been nearly ten years and everything seems different now. I'm not even sure anyone is around to read this, but this was the only place for this message. It needs to be here. If perhaps it's the last thing I ever post here, there could be no better last post. Many of the journals on this site are like stories to me, and a story without closure is no
good at all!
If anyone is still with me after all that, I have a conventional LJ entry for you.
I've going on vacation from my work starting tomorrow and it's about time. We've had three people out of action for various reasons and they've been working me like a dog because of it. I'm going down to Florida to visit Disneyworld with my roomate and her boyfriend, and I'll be back on Friday. I should be really excited, but I'm suffering from work overload I think, and it's all I can think of. I even have to work later today, and I'll be going from work to the
airport to catch a 10pm flight. Once on the plane, and out of range of my needy employers, it will be safe for me to be happy!
It's really time for me to go to bed. This was no quickie to write, let me tell you! Goodnight... whoever you are... *cue Vincent Price laugh*