I just don't know...
So the people who know me best know that I get headaches pretty frequently. Well apparently it's "Holy crap that's not normal," frequently. I saw my doctor yesterday and she wants me to go for blood work and a CT scan and the CT scan is to, and now I'm quoting "check for anuerisms because they're always in the back of your mind." Now any normal person would say oh, she's just being cautious. I think if you've looked at my profile and/or known me longer than 3 seconds you know the truth: calling me normal is like calling the ocean dry.
For a long time I thought I didn't have anything left to fear anymore. I thought my father's hands took care of that for me and I could go through the rest of my life fearless, though a bit guarded. Well, I can tell you now I was wrong. I. Am. Terrified. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my entire life. I'm trying to get a grip and just push through and tough it out like I always do but there's that little voice in the back of my head telling me that for all I know any blood vessel in my brain could be a time bomb just ticking away. I keep pushing it back and trying not to think about it but it's always there like that shadow hanging over me The Beatles talked about in Yesterday.
It's not being scared that's the problem. This isn't the first time I've been forced to face my own mortality. In fact I'm almost glad I'm scared because if I wasn't I'd be pretty stupid. I guess the worst part is that I don't know what to be more sick of, the worrying or hearing everybody say "It's going to be alright," and having that make me angry. My gut reaction is to turn and snap at them and say "You don't know that." I haven't and I'm proud of myself for that. It means I'm a little better at handling anger. I just feel bad because I don't like having thoughts about being mean to people I love. I know they're only trying to help me feel better. I just wish it would work.
I guess the only thing I can be thankful for besides my friends and my mom and Boy's mom is the fact that I can still have a sense of humor about it. This morning I asked myself: Okay so what if you die? What's the big deal? Aside from the whole depressing idea of dying a failure at what I've tried to do with my life, part of my answer was "I'll be disappointed because I had hoped that one day I'd be so famous drag queens would dress up like me when I die." It made me laugh and I know that it can't be that bad if I can still laugh. I know death's not funny, but come on. If that didn't at least make you chuckle well that just hurts me. I just wish I had something more to chase away the thought of my life ending one minute at a time and the idea that nobody's going to give a crap if I die and the about 5 people who may show up to my funeral b/c they care and the rest who'll be there just to make sure I'm dead, and the image of my stepmother dancing on my grave.
I'm trying to be positive but as you can tell, it's not going very well at all. The song's right. "All in all I guess it's for the better if you just can't feel a f*cking thing."
For a long time I thought I didn't have anything left to fear anymore. I thought my father's hands took care of that for me and I could go through the rest of my life fearless, though a bit guarded. Well, I can tell you now I was wrong. I. Am. Terrified. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my entire life. I'm trying to get a grip and just push through and tough it out like I always do but there's that little voice in the back of my head telling me that for all I know any blood vessel in my brain could be a time bomb just ticking away. I keep pushing it back and trying not to think about it but it's always there like that shadow hanging over me The Beatles talked about in Yesterday.
It's not being scared that's the problem. This isn't the first time I've been forced to face my own mortality. In fact I'm almost glad I'm scared because if I wasn't I'd be pretty stupid. I guess the worst part is that I don't know what to be more sick of, the worrying or hearing everybody say "It's going to be alright," and having that make me angry. My gut reaction is to turn and snap at them and say "You don't know that." I haven't and I'm proud of myself for that. It means I'm a little better at handling anger. I just feel bad because I don't like having thoughts about being mean to people I love. I know they're only trying to help me feel better. I just wish it would work.
I guess the only thing I can be thankful for besides my friends and my mom and Boy's mom is the fact that I can still have a sense of humor about it. This morning I asked myself: Okay so what if you die? What's the big deal? Aside from the whole depressing idea of dying a failure at what I've tried to do with my life, part of my answer was "I'll be disappointed because I had hoped that one day I'd be so famous drag queens would dress up like me when I die." It made me laugh and I know that it can't be that bad if I can still laugh. I know death's not funny, but come on. If that didn't at least make you chuckle well that just hurts me. I just wish I had something more to chase away the thought of my life ending one minute at a time and the idea that nobody's going to give a crap if I die and the about 5 people who may show up to my funeral b/c they care and the rest who'll be there just to make sure I'm dead, and the image of my stepmother dancing on my grave.
I'm trying to be positive but as you can tell, it's not going very well at all. The song's right. "All in all I guess it's for the better if you just can't feel a f*cking thing."