this lump
Fear arrests actions. It creeps up, sending a source of panic that paralyzes. It has no rationale. No boundaries if you let it.
A few times in a year, a nagging feeling comes to me. It's the button that always sends me doubting myself and my choices.
You see, I never wanted to be in a long-distance relationship. I never wanted to entertain settling abroad. I never wanted to visualize the physical separation from my family and my friends. Just thinking of it leaves a lump in my throat. One that I've tried to dislodge, to swallow, but it comes back.
I feel like I'm losing my seven-year-old Nikki. And that's important to me. I know that children set a standard innocent to the world's complications. They want this and this is good.
STC had inculcated in me a deep appreciation of my country. My parents have ingrained in my mind that I have everything I need to be happy right here. I want to be here. I want to be here forever. Work here. Serve here. Be here. Live here. Die here.
Again, that lump that doesn't go away. I find the weirdest excuses, the lamest reasons for panic attacks just so I can play it out in my mind. Today, browsing through the web and discovering that California had an extra letter for residency sent my emotions spiraling. I don't want to do it. Not because it's another 6-9 months of waiting but because... in the first place, I never wanted to do it.
So here we are. What to do now.
I have no idea.
Either bury the seven-year-old Nikki (SELLLLOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTT!!!) or stick to my guns and let the pieces fall (apart).
A few times in a year, a nagging feeling comes to me. It's the button that always sends me doubting myself and my choices.
You see, I never wanted to be in a long-distance relationship. I never wanted to entertain settling abroad. I never wanted to visualize the physical separation from my family and my friends. Just thinking of it leaves a lump in my throat. One that I've tried to dislodge, to swallow, but it comes back.
I feel like I'm losing my seven-year-old Nikki. And that's important to me. I know that children set a standard innocent to the world's complications. They want this and this is good.
STC had inculcated in me a deep appreciation of my country. My parents have ingrained in my mind that I have everything I need to be happy right here. I want to be here. I want to be here forever. Work here. Serve here. Be here. Live here. Die here.
Again, that lump that doesn't go away. I find the weirdest excuses, the lamest reasons for panic attacks just so I can play it out in my mind. Today, browsing through the web and discovering that California had an extra letter for residency sent my emotions spiraling. I don't want to do it. Not because it's another 6-9 months of waiting but because... in the first place, I never wanted to do it.
So here we are. What to do now.
I have no idea.
Either bury the seven-year-old Nikki (SELLLLOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTT!!!) or stick to my guns and let the pieces fall (apart).