Alittle off the top, please.
Thoughts are so twisted right now. Can't really see straight. Tried to drive, but found the road curved... Where it didn't. Got scared. Came home. Bored now. Dark room. Dead cat couldn't be more comfortable in it's own skin.
Last night I took note of a strange phenomena in my life. I realized that I believe in so many small things.. Childish, almost.. But it is not the greater power of god that I fear. It is the unnoticable yet limitless power of life. Of the mind.
Could the two be one in the same? I fear not, for I fear the minute I question why these things happen to me, they will go away forever. I believe in them so strongly, put every faith in them, put my life in their hands at times.. And they've never failed me. Because I question thier existance in my life, could it come to be that they are no more?
If infact they are tricks of the mind perhaps? If the reason why is not because of a greater power.. But the ability for 137 pounds of flesh to put it's heart and soul into a hope, and will it to existance?
If it's karma I have nothing to worry about.
I want to believe it's karma.
But I never thought of it as that.
How is it just living can keep me happy? Why is it no matter who comes or goes, I can still find time to smile into dusks' burning embers?
Are other people as happy when they are alone as I am? Is there an endless sea of people, who, despite upbringing, are secure in thier animalistic nature to seek personal space, and emptiness? Is that perhaps why we are so desperately alone in this world.. But doing nothing to cure the ailment?
Mayhaps the belief in nothing has forced the greater forces in life to bring me goodwill in hopes that I will turn to them....
Okay, this entire entry is nothing but bullshit.. But that's why it's on livejournal, because I don't really want anyone to read it or care. And when people start to read it, then notice it's half a century long.. Maybe they will stop and go do something more productive with themselves.
I am just astranged by the fact that no one else around me sees these little sparks. It's not the difference between a good day and a bad day, it's the difference between any ole day, and what you do with it. Today I did a full 180 from so happy I couldn't keep my eyes closed.. To this blazeh, it could crumble and I wouldn't mind attitude. Not good. I think it is honestly the absence of activity that is making me think this way, and it is definately a change within myself, as opposed to my atmosphere. Thats the nice thing about solitude. You know it isn't everyone else bringing you down. Sometimes I don't even know wheather the emotions that are coming out of me are even mine! Sometimes I think that maybe just being around people for so long, you begin to pick up other peoples energys.. And if you don't realize and correct it, it can stick with you. Feeling other peoples emotions sucks too. I never realized it until I adopted a bunch of depression junkies. People who love to feel down, and have NOTHING to be happy about ever. Ever! A mallable personality such as this has no problem wrapping itself around a feeling without even telling you it's plan. Then you wake up one day, and can't figure out why this feeling is infesting every thought you have, why you can't just see the beauty like every day.. I'll go out and slay the person who pegged that one on me.
Thats another thing. Beauty.. Endlessly embodying itself in my daily life. I can't seem to figure out why I can see it, and others can't. I've got one theory -[it wore off] but if that theory holds true, then I might as well kill myself now so I never have to live a day without it. Muse of all muses, my siren in the dark. I could cower in a corner for all eternity, scared one day it might 'wear off'...
But so far..
It hasn't.
So why should I fear it? No, continue moving, and potentially have an opportunity to prove that theory wrong. Years have gone by and I still see the world through an infants eyes. I couldn't imagine seeing it as other people do. Actually, I did once. I wanted to know what it was like to see through jaded eyes.. So I did. And cryed. And cryed, and cryed. It was a nightmare. Everything seemed miles away, including myself. I felt my body was on an entirely seperate plane from the rest of humanity, and in the opposite direction; my soul. The brilliant flashes, and colors were gone. And so was the love. It hurt to do pretty much anything, and I felt a constant caving of my chest, like someone broke my heart and then locked each tiny peice away from the others, so it could never reunite again. Took weeks to excape that mindframe, and during that time.. I got really lonely. I started reaching out to people, only to find that I couldn't feel them anyways, except in the physical manner of course.
I guess where I'm going with all this, is I'm glad to be me. I'm happy, content even to be the person I am. Just need some more alterations before she is complete.
Lotz more.
Waiting is a bore.
Tempt me with something, so I can test my will power against you! No. Please don't. I'm not in any mood for challenges. Are you challenging me? FUCK YOU!
I love to believe. I believe in the power of belief, and I believe there is no higher power possessed by man. I don't care what anyone else thinks.. This entry is non-for-tu! Tis for my own personal satisfaction, because there is something strangely surreal about letting your insecurities out to no one... And everyone knowing them. Is that the whole allure of lj in the first place?
Last night I took note of a strange phenomena in my life. I realized that I believe in so many small things.. Childish, almost.. But it is not the greater power of god that I fear. It is the unnoticable yet limitless power of life. Of the mind.
Could the two be one in the same? I fear not, for I fear the minute I question why these things happen to me, they will go away forever. I believe in them so strongly, put every faith in them, put my life in their hands at times.. And they've never failed me. Because I question thier existance in my life, could it come to be that they are no more?
If infact they are tricks of the mind perhaps? If the reason why is not because of a greater power.. But the ability for 137 pounds of flesh to put it's heart and soul into a hope, and will it to existance?
If it's karma I have nothing to worry about.
I want to believe it's karma.
But I never thought of it as that.
How is it just living can keep me happy? Why is it no matter who comes or goes, I can still find time to smile into dusks' burning embers?
Are other people as happy when they are alone as I am? Is there an endless sea of people, who, despite upbringing, are secure in thier animalistic nature to seek personal space, and emptiness? Is that perhaps why we are so desperately alone in this world.. But doing nothing to cure the ailment?
Mayhaps the belief in nothing has forced the greater forces in life to bring me goodwill in hopes that I will turn to them....
Okay, this entire entry is nothing but bullshit.. But that's why it's on livejournal, because I don't really want anyone to read it or care. And when people start to read it, then notice it's half a century long.. Maybe they will stop and go do something more productive with themselves.
I am just astranged by the fact that no one else around me sees these little sparks. It's not the difference between a good day and a bad day, it's the difference between any ole day, and what you do with it. Today I did a full 180 from so happy I couldn't keep my eyes closed.. To this blazeh, it could crumble and I wouldn't mind attitude. Not good. I think it is honestly the absence of activity that is making me think this way, and it is definately a change within myself, as opposed to my atmosphere. Thats the nice thing about solitude. You know it isn't everyone else bringing you down. Sometimes I don't even know wheather the emotions that are coming out of me are even mine! Sometimes I think that maybe just being around people for so long, you begin to pick up other peoples energys.. And if you don't realize and correct it, it can stick with you. Feeling other peoples emotions sucks too. I never realized it until I adopted a bunch of depression junkies. People who love to feel down, and have NOTHING to be happy about ever. Ever! A mallable personality such as this has no problem wrapping itself around a feeling without even telling you it's plan. Then you wake up one day, and can't figure out why this feeling is infesting every thought you have, why you can't just see the beauty like every day.. I'll go out and slay the person who pegged that one on me.
Thats another thing. Beauty.. Endlessly embodying itself in my daily life. I can't seem to figure out why I can see it, and others can't. I've got one theory -[it wore off] but if that theory holds true, then I might as well kill myself now so I never have to live a day without it. Muse of all muses, my siren in the dark. I could cower in a corner for all eternity, scared one day it might 'wear off'...
But so far..
It hasn't.
So why should I fear it? No, continue moving, and potentially have an opportunity to prove that theory wrong. Years have gone by and I still see the world through an infants eyes. I couldn't imagine seeing it as other people do. Actually, I did once. I wanted to know what it was like to see through jaded eyes.. So I did. And cryed. And cryed, and cryed. It was a nightmare. Everything seemed miles away, including myself. I felt my body was on an entirely seperate plane from the rest of humanity, and in the opposite direction; my soul. The brilliant flashes, and colors were gone. And so was the love. It hurt to do pretty much anything, and I felt a constant caving of my chest, like someone broke my heart and then locked each tiny peice away from the others, so it could never reunite again. Took weeks to excape that mindframe, and during that time.. I got really lonely. I started reaching out to people, only to find that I couldn't feel them anyways, except in the physical manner of course.
I guess where I'm going with all this, is I'm glad to be me. I'm happy, content even to be the person I am. Just need some more alterations before she is complete.
Lotz more.
Waiting is a bore.
Tempt me with something, so I can test my will power against you! No. Please don't. I'm not in any mood for challenges. Are you challenging me? FUCK YOU!
I love to believe. I believe in the power of belief, and I believe there is no higher power possessed by man. I don't care what anyone else thinks.. This entry is non-for-tu! Tis for my own personal satisfaction, because there is something strangely surreal about letting your insecurities out to no one... And everyone knowing them. Is that the whole allure of lj in the first place?