How to date a Nix.. inspired by a post by vividazalea
Want to date a Nix? You’re not alone. Surveys show that Nixai are among the most datable and sought-after hobbit-like beings, but meeting and having a relationship with one can be a challenge as they are quite rare and tend to lead secluded lives. This ten step (quite serious) guide will explain common pitfalls in Nix dating and give some simple ways to overcome them and gain a Nix.
1) Seek the Nix where the Nix are
To meet a Nix (a rare and treasured thing in and of itself), you need to be in a Nix-rich location. Topping the list are Gaming Stores in Madison, WI and Gaming or Sci-fi Conventions in that same city. Unfortunately, even in these supremely awesome locals, there might still only be one Nix out of every 60,000 people. Yet this is still the highest concentration of Nix to be found outside of the Shire, or a cloning facility. At the bottom of the list is France, Lichtenstein, and any place where there are a lot of tall people. Suck it Lichtenstein!! Your puny, corporation sheltering, psuedo-country can Lick-em-dees-nu.. err.. going on..
2) Go for the kill
Once you’re in a Nix-rich environment, you’ll need to go in for the kill.. the 'zinger' if you will. Our survey made it clear that Nix spend more time in one place than any other: the office they're chosen areas of seclusion. If infiltrating one of these locations seems impractical, illegal, or just plain icky your next best option is either the aforementioned game store or convention- it should be noted though, that if you are a female and go into either of those places mentioned that you will find yourself instantly the focus of many nerdling fantasies. You can also stalk down a Nix at a grocery or video store as these are both frequented by Nix quite often.
3) Beware the Nix personality
Once you’ve snagged a Nix, beware!! According to 20-year psychologist, Dr. Fiona Travis, “the same qualities that persuade people to laugh and eat cookies will also cause you to want to laugh and eat cookies.” Our survey indicated the same, with one "Nix wife" (a purely hypothetical being) telling us that she endures “the unending smell of soups, stews, cookies, cakes, and pastries wafting from the kitchen" and “only having my feet spoken to since my bewbs are the hawtz" Studies also show that Nix tend to be defensive, sarcastic, skeptical, and anti-social. However, the bright side is that you won’t experience these things often because Nix can barely talk to women. As one Nix said, “Hey, I'm the shizzle, yo...feel the heat.. feel the fire, baby”
4) Only repeat things you hear from credible people
Nix are trained to destroy the mood of a situation through guffaws or stunned silence. That’s why if you ever repeat something you’ve heard, you should volunteer the tipster’s name, education, occupation, criminal history, cup size, and hair color.
5) Use Latin whenever possible
Latin is hawt, heck to woo a Nix having almost any accent is a huge bonus. An easy way to use Latin without knowing any is to give your Nix-pet Latin names. When you say, “Why, yes, I have a pet! It’s a Nix named Per Stirpes!” any Nix will turn to putty in your hands.
6) Make love notes long and confusing
Brevity and clarity makes a Nix feel uncomfortable and agitated, a Nix will feel ill at ease and won't believe the sentiment, much like normal people feel at the DMV or rutebega farm. For example, don’t say, “Let’s head back home early for some fun.” Instead, if it is a written note say, “Let’s return early to the domicile for some malfeasance.” If having a verbal conversation one might also say, "Let's go home so we can do it." While in verbal communication, the simpler the better as anything complicated will just confuse the Nix.
7) Don't be surprised when your Nix sweetheart is oblivious to almost everything
When it happens, flash him your bewbs. This will shock him back into a 'normal' level of consciousness. That would be like accusing a dolphin of swimming. Instead, show some cleavage or snap your fingers.
8) Always cite sources
When in doubt, point to scientific studies, real or imagined, with an emphasis on imaginary since the bulk of a Nix's sources are also imaginary. For example, instead of saying you “feel” that fried Twinkies should be illegal, just tell him that 'though they are delicious concoctions sent down from the heavens.. that cause people to turn into zombies that eat babies and kick cute, fluffy, little puppies into icy rivers of doom. Your Nix-toy may chastise you for sloppy research later, cause everyone knows that it doesn't simply take a deep fried twinkie to turn someone into a baby-eating, puppy-kicking zombie.. google does that. However, a Nix will be duly impressed with any link to zombies made.
9) Never speak of beliefs not backed by empirical evidence
For example, if you believe that George Lucas should not be flung into a pit of broken glass, salted lemon juice, and rabbits with sharp-pointy teeth, keep it to yourself. Everyone knows that after the debacles that were Jar-Jar and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull that nothing can be stated to save George Lucas from his well deserved fate for frakking over TWO gawddamned franchise that should have been left the hell alone and not tampered with. For bonus points, make disparaging comments about tall people and google while fully believing in the fact that zombies will rise up and attempt to destroy not only the Earth, but also they will try and gobble up any Nix they run across, diminishing the world by denying it of the Nix's greatness.
10) Remember, it can all be very worth it
Nix, despite their occasional depression, self-depreciating statements, and ove of dice, are really very sweet at heart. As one Nix put it, “I am looking for honesty, loyalty, a good listener, someone who can be confident, a companion and my best friend... and by best friend I mean a chick that is geeky, kinky, and like the hawtz.. ” With a little training, persistence, patience, and liberal doses of torture a Nix can be the love of your life.
Nix
(p.s. I attempted to use an LJ cut.. but..it wouldn't work right.. so.. some of it might come up behind a cut)
1) Seek the Nix where the Nix are
To meet a Nix (a rare and treasured thing in and of itself), you need to be in a Nix-rich location. Topping the list are Gaming Stores in Madison, WI and Gaming or Sci-fi Conventions in that same city. Unfortunately, even in these supremely awesome locals, there might still only be one Nix out of every 60,000 people. Yet this is still the highest concentration of Nix to be found outside of the Shire, or a cloning facility. At the bottom of the list is France, Lichtenstein, and any place where there are a lot of tall people. Suck it Lichtenstein!! Your puny, corporation sheltering, psuedo-country can Lick-em-dees-nu.. err.. going on..
2) Go for the kill
Once you’re in a Nix-rich environment, you’ll need to go in for the kill.. the 'zinger' if you will. Our survey made it clear that Nix spend more time in one place than any other: the office they're chosen areas of seclusion. If infiltrating one of these locations seems impractical, illegal, or just plain icky your next best option is either the aforementioned game store or convention- it should be noted though, that if you are a female and go into either of those places mentioned that you will find yourself instantly the focus of many nerdling fantasies. You can also stalk down a Nix at a grocery or video store as these are both frequented by Nix quite often.
3) Beware the Nix personality
Once you’ve snagged a Nix, beware!! According to 20-year psychologist, Dr. Fiona Travis, “the same qualities that persuade people to laugh and eat cookies will also cause you to want to laugh and eat cookies.” Our survey indicated the same, with one "Nix wife" (a purely hypothetical being) telling us that she endures “the unending smell of soups, stews, cookies, cakes, and pastries wafting from the kitchen" and “only having my feet spoken to since my bewbs are the hawtz" Studies also show that Nix tend to be defensive, sarcastic, skeptical, and anti-social. However, the bright side is that you won’t experience these things often because Nix can barely talk to women. As one Nix said, “Hey, I'm the shizzle, yo...feel the heat.. feel the fire, baby”
4) Only repeat things you hear from credible people
Nix are trained to destroy the mood of a situation through guffaws or stunned silence. That’s why if you ever repeat something you’ve heard, you should volunteer the tipster’s name, education, occupation, criminal history, cup size, and hair color.
5) Use Latin whenever possible
Latin is hawt, heck to woo a Nix having almost any accent is a huge bonus. An easy way to use Latin without knowing any is to give your Nix-pet Latin names. When you say, “Why, yes, I have a pet! It’s a Nix named Per Stirpes!” any Nix will turn to putty in your hands.
6) Make love notes long and confusing
Brevity and clarity makes a Nix feel uncomfortable and agitated, a Nix will feel ill at ease and won't believe the sentiment, much like normal people feel at the DMV or rutebega farm. For example, don’t say, “Let’s head back home early for some fun.” Instead, if it is a written note say, “Let’s return early to the domicile for some malfeasance.” If having a verbal conversation one might also say, "Let's go home so we can do it." While in verbal communication, the simpler the better as anything complicated will just confuse the Nix.
7) Don't be surprised when your Nix sweetheart is oblivious to almost everything
When it happens, flash him your bewbs. This will shock him back into a 'normal' level of consciousness. That would be like accusing a dolphin of swimming. Instead, show some cleavage or snap your fingers.
8) Always cite sources
When in doubt, point to scientific studies, real or imagined, with an emphasis on imaginary since the bulk of a Nix's sources are also imaginary. For example, instead of saying you “feel” that fried Twinkies should be illegal, just tell him that 'though they are delicious concoctions sent down from the heavens.. that cause people to turn into zombies that eat babies and kick cute, fluffy, little puppies into icy rivers of doom. Your Nix-toy may chastise you for sloppy research later, cause everyone knows that it doesn't simply take a deep fried twinkie to turn someone into a baby-eating, puppy-kicking zombie.. google does that. However, a Nix will be duly impressed with any link to zombies made.
9) Never speak of beliefs not backed by empirical evidence
For example, if you believe that George Lucas should not be flung into a pit of broken glass, salted lemon juice, and rabbits with sharp-pointy teeth, keep it to yourself. Everyone knows that after the debacles that were Jar-Jar and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull that nothing can be stated to save George Lucas from his well deserved fate for frakking over TWO gawddamned franchise that should have been left the hell alone and not tampered with. For bonus points, make disparaging comments about tall people and google while fully believing in the fact that zombies will rise up and attempt to destroy not only the Earth, but also they will try and gobble up any Nix they run across, diminishing the world by denying it of the Nix's greatness.
10) Remember, it can all be very worth it
Nix, despite their occasional depression, self-depreciating statements, and ove of dice, are really very sweet at heart. As one Nix put it, “I am looking for honesty, loyalty, a good listener, someone who can be confident, a companion and my best friend... and by best friend I mean a chick that is geeky, kinky, and like the hawtz.. ” With a little training, persistence, patience, and liberal doses of torture a Nix can be the love of your life.
Nix
(p.s. I attempted to use an LJ cut.. but..it wouldn't work right.. so.. some of it might come up behind a cut)