Emotional Dust . . .
It's been some time since I've written in my online journal - though
I've been pretty good about writing in my paper journal. I've
created quite a few pictures since my last post.
Full-scale images and more work can be seen here
Ussence Series
Unveiled Series
The Undead Series
Multiples Series
Isn't love fun? I've been seeking to develop a serious relationship over the last year or so. I like the idea of co-creating a relationship, blending lives, developing a safe, loving and supportive type of emotional oasis for eachother. Whenever I first begin dating someone, it's like getting a license to rediscover myself all over again, feeling connected, inspired - shiny and brand new and all that jazz. I had become quite accustomed to my solitude and reclusive tendencies. Now I am rather used to being socialized and linked to the outside world.
My last boyfriend pursued me persistently and I kept telling him I wasn't interested but that we could develop a friendship, however, I was still going to date people. Well, his persistence and initial attentiveness - finally worked their magic on me and I agreed to give dating him a go.
I just broke-up with him this past weekend. We made a clean break which is better in the long run but torturous short term. We dated for 5 months, long enough to start to feel kind of secure and attached. We had art, music and spirituality in common. Our creative connection is what I enjoyed most. He was good for my art, pushed me to do new things with my business, opened my eyes to new possibilities - he's very good with the business side of things and I welcomed his advice.
After the smokescreen of infatuation cleared, I realized he was emotionally unavailable and had emotional intimacy issues. So we'd do things together, like photoshoots, visit art galleries, creative projects etc. - but not really share the experience. I began to feel rather isolated in his presence - and noticed I was always in the position of trying to draw him out. He could take my love but not reciprocate it. He didn't want me to get to REALLY know him. So it's kind of difficult to love someone you don't really know, what exactly are you loving (answer -whatever you project onto that person)? I realized he wanted to have a woman in his world, just kind of around and available to him - as a comfort item - not as partner in a loving relationship. He had not the capacity to see me, celebrate me, learn me, know me or love/cherish me and all my little Jaedaisms.
People serve as living mirrors to a point. So I thought some about that, perhaps part of the attraction was sensing he was emotionally unavailable as we tend to be drawn to what's familiar until we learn otherwise and adapt accordingly. Wanting to resolve old hurts through him perhaps. The reality of him was rather lonely and empty. It was the idea of him that was so alluring. Along with everything I projected onto him in the way of wish fulfillment. The last two months was just me not wanting to let go of the dream of what he and I could be and could share. I didn't want to see my emotional investment go bankrupt - unfortunately I was the only one contributing to that account and it took me a few months to realize that. In essence I was simply dating myself. LOL
I asked him why he pursued me when I made it so clear what values were important to me - he didn't share too many of them. So I wanted to know why he felt compelled to pursue someone that couldn't possibly provide what he wanted/needed and vice versa. He said the initial rejection was a big draw for him, he responds to rejection.
Hindsight has 20/20 vision - all the red flags were there, popping up right and left from the very beginning, and instinctually I knew it didn't feel right. But I learned a lot from the relationship and healing from it will teach me even more, so no regrets. Relationships are often about transformation.
I am focusing full-time on my photography and personal growth, that's what people do when their heart is all mushed up on their sleeve, right? LOL
I've also realized it is so much easier to take pictures with models and/or my friends than someone I am involved with - much less complicated on so many levels. But I did get some good images out of the whole experience. He's the first person I actually had to drag kicking and screaming into the studio. But . . .to his credit, he toughed it out.
Full-scale images and more work can be seen here
Ussence Series
Unveiled Series
The Undead Series
Multiples Series
Isn't love fun? I've been seeking to develop a serious relationship over the last year or so. I like the idea of co-creating a relationship, blending lives, developing a safe, loving and supportive type of emotional oasis for eachother. Whenever I first begin dating someone, it's like getting a license to rediscover myself all over again, feeling connected, inspired - shiny and brand new and all that jazz. I had become quite accustomed to my solitude and reclusive tendencies. Now I am rather used to being socialized and linked to the outside world.
My last boyfriend pursued me persistently and I kept telling him I wasn't interested but that we could develop a friendship, however, I was still going to date people. Well, his persistence and initial attentiveness - finally worked their magic on me and I agreed to give dating him a go.
I just broke-up with him this past weekend. We made a clean break which is better in the long run but torturous short term. We dated for 5 months, long enough to start to feel kind of secure and attached. We had art, music and spirituality in common. Our creative connection is what I enjoyed most. He was good for my art, pushed me to do new things with my business, opened my eyes to new possibilities - he's very good with the business side of things and I welcomed his advice.
After the smokescreen of infatuation cleared, I realized he was emotionally unavailable and had emotional intimacy issues. So we'd do things together, like photoshoots, visit art galleries, creative projects etc. - but not really share the experience. I began to feel rather isolated in his presence - and noticed I was always in the position of trying to draw him out. He could take my love but not reciprocate it. He didn't want me to get to REALLY know him. So it's kind of difficult to love someone you don't really know, what exactly are you loving (answer -whatever you project onto that person)? I realized he wanted to have a woman in his world, just kind of around and available to him - as a comfort item - not as partner in a loving relationship. He had not the capacity to see me, celebrate me, learn me, know me or love/cherish me and all my little Jaedaisms.
People serve as living mirrors to a point. So I thought some about that, perhaps part of the attraction was sensing he was emotionally unavailable as we tend to be drawn to what's familiar until we learn otherwise and adapt accordingly. Wanting to resolve old hurts through him perhaps. The reality of him was rather lonely and empty. It was the idea of him that was so alluring. Along with everything I projected onto him in the way of wish fulfillment. The last two months was just me not wanting to let go of the dream of what he and I could be and could share. I didn't want to see my emotional investment go bankrupt - unfortunately I was the only one contributing to that account and it took me a few months to realize that. In essence I was simply dating myself. LOL
I asked him why he pursued me when I made it so clear what values were important to me - he didn't share too many of them. So I wanted to know why he felt compelled to pursue someone that couldn't possibly provide what he wanted/needed and vice versa. He said the initial rejection was a big draw for him, he responds to rejection.
Hindsight has 20/20 vision - all the red flags were there, popping up right and left from the very beginning, and instinctually I knew it didn't feel right. But I learned a lot from the relationship and healing from it will teach me even more, so no regrets. Relationships are often about transformation.
I am focusing full-time on my photography and personal growth, that's what people do when their heart is all mushed up on their sleeve, right? LOL
I've also realized it is so much easier to take pictures with models and/or my friends than someone I am involved with - much less complicated on so many levels. But I did get some good images out of the whole experience. He's the first person I actually had to drag kicking and screaming into the studio. But . . .to his credit, he toughed it out.