present post # 9 - For eh_truffle
Fromlegal_assasin
Recipient eh_truffle
Link: -
Name of present: "Ten of Swords"
Form of present: Fanfiction
Title: "Ten of Swords"
Author: Legal_Assasin
Summary: Keisuke is still haunted by what he did in the past.
Pairing: Keisuke/Akira
Disclaimer: I have no affiliations with Nitro+Chiral other than “fan.”
Rating: T for mentions of violence and sex, including rape.
Before I begin… Merry Christmas, eh_truffle!
I decided to write something fluffy for you. Sorry it’s a bit late; I had computer problems. But hopefully it is worth it.
Story’s name comes from a tarot card that usually represents misfortune and a low point in life. Yet even it has a silver lining in that things can only get better. Which is fitting for this fic; a hurt/comfort one.
==+O+==
Late at night, Keisuke jolts awake with cold sweat covering his skin and nightmares still fresh in his mind.
He takes a moment or two to compose himself, to steady his erratic breathing and clear that scene - blood splattered on the walls and floor and on him, sickening crunches and cracks caused by his bare hands. Worst of all is the rush he gets from it all; enjoyment from these horrible acts - from the edge of his memories. Then he looks over at Akira, who is still sound asleep and unaware of his friend’s - lover’s? - disturbance.
Akira looks relaxed and peaceful, an expression Keisuke has rarely seen; especially since leaving the Hell called Toshima two months ago. He decides not to disturb the other male and silently steps out of the bedroom they share and out the door of this cramped apartment.
The air outside is cool, but not so much to make standing out here uncomfortable. He hoped that being out here and away from Akira would clear his head enough so he could go back to sleep.
When someone is subjected to such experiences, it isn’t surprising if they suffer long after them. But what if it was the perpetrator and not the victim?
Not once has Keisuke seen Akira troubled or pained by memories of what happened to him despite being the one who suffered. Akira didn’t wake up in the middle of the night from unwanted memories of when he was violated in both body and heart. He didn’t flinch when someone brushed up against him. And he didn’t look troubled at all when around the person who hurt him.
Akira’s always been the strong one.
Keisuke, on the other hand, has been having nightmares nearly every night. And there are times when he looks at Akira and remembers - his expression twisted in pain, begging him to stop while tears stream down from his eyes, doing nothing to stop as his friend tears into him mercilessly again and again - what he did to the other male, down to every last dirty detail. Each time, he feels his heart wither away.
Akira said he forgave Keisuke, but was that just to make him feel better? Although it isn’t something he can imagine Akira doing, Keisuke can’t help but think that. Maybe deep down his friend - would it be lover now? - would rather not be around the person who tormented him.
Even though he wasn’t himself, Keisuke is still guilty of those vile acts. Two months and he can still remember with alarming clarity everything he did while taking Line. He can still hear the dying screams of his victims. He can still feel Akira struggle below him as he endures excruciating pain.
Two months and Keisuke still can’t forgive himself for what he did.
~*~
“You don’t look too good.”
Akira’s voice startles Keisuke, who was starting to nod off. They are still in the kitchen eating breakfast before heading to work.
He feels a hand press against his forehead and concerned blue eyes lock onto his own.
“It doesn’t seem like a fever, but you look like you’ve hardly gotten any sleep.”
Keisuke manages to smile; it’s small and somewhat cracking, but it’s a smile at least.
“I’m alright; a bit tired, but I’m alright. Don’t worry about me, Akira.”
Akira’s eyes narrow; he doesn’t buy it.
“I’ll let the boss know you aren’t feeling well today. Stay home and get some rest.”
The tone in Akira’s voice gives a clear message; no more arguments, no more excuses, no more lies. End of discussion.
Keisuke lets out a sigh as Akira leaves. He doubts he’ll be able to get any sleep today.
~*~
The next time Keisuke wakes up from a nightmare, Akira stirs.
He stays still and keeps quiet, praying the other male won’t wake up and ask him about what just happened. Surely Akira has enough problems without adding Keisuke’s nightly torments to them.
When it looks like Akira is going to wake up, Keisuke quickly lies down and feigns sleep. He hears Akira sit up and shift.
“Keisuke? Are you awake?”
He makes no reply to the inquiry and keeps his breathing even. There is a pause, and then more sounds as Akira lies back down and returns to sleep.
Keisuke rolls over, facing away from Akira. Sleep doesn’t come easy.
~*~
“Did something happen last night?”
Akira asks him on the way to work. There’s no trace of confrontation in there, but Akira looks at him as though he can see the answer on his face. Maybe he can.
“No, nothing I know of. Why?”
The lie comes easy. Ever since the nightmares started, Keisuke has to come up with excuses to explain away his behavior and what goes on at night. He’s starting to get better at it; not much of a comforting thought.
Akira raises an eyebrow, but says nothing else the rest of the way.
~*~
One of the perks of living out of Toshima Keisuke is glad for is the clear night sky and the stars shining brightly above him. They help him get his mind off the nightmares which assaulted his mind once again tonight.
This time, they weren’t memories. In this one, he had killed Akira and torn his insides out of him, dying his pale skin with red blood. It was still vivid in his mind; he could still feel the warmth from inside Akira covering his hands despite the cold air outside.
It is getting harder and harder for Keisuke to believe that Akira has forgiven him every night. How could he after everything that happened? After all the pain and humiliation he was put through? How could Akira still stand to be around Keisuke after all of that?
Especially because Keisuke can’t forgive himself.
Even that moment they spent together in Toshima - cautious caresses and kisses, Akira admonishing him for his hesitance, warmth between their bare skin as they rub against each other, Akira clinging to him, his voice stammering out apologies - was tainted by Keisuke’s own doubts.
What if Akira only bore with it because he was afraid of losing him? Or, even worse, what if he was scared that the other Keisuke - the one he could sometimes feel lurking in the back of his mind, calling out to him for release and blood - might return if he refused?
“I never noticed that you were so important to me because I was used to you being around, but then when I look back, I realized it’s always been you who’s been by my side. After losing you so, I realized you were something I wanted really much. That’s my answer.”
Akira’s - for lack of a better word - confession echoes in his mind. What’s more, he also remembers his period of withdrawal - agonizing pain going through his pinned down body, voice screaming and begging, a warm hand resting comfortingly on his head - and Akira’s presence throughout it.
Perhaps Akira does want him around, but that still shouldn’t excuse Keisuke’s actions.
~*~
“Is there something you’re not telling me?”
They are taking a lunch break at work now. Keisuke quickly swallows before answering.
“O-Of course not! Why wouldn’t I tell you something?”
Akira looks at him, his expression giving a clear “I don’t believe you” message. But instead of saying anything, he only sighs and gets up.
“Fine; I’m getting back to work.”
He doesn’t talk to Keisuke for the rest of the day.
~*~
Before the decaying, grinning corpse of one of his victims could pull him down into what is probably Hell, Keisuke wakes up again.
This time, Akira is also awake.
“Keisuke? What happened?”
All he can do is smile reassuringly.
“Just a bad dream, that’s all. Don’t worry.”
There is a flash of anger in Akira’s expression, but he doesn’t comment. Instead, he huffs and turns away from Keisuke before going to sleep.
For most of the next day, Akira doesn’t say a word to Keisuke.
~*~
“We need to talk.”
Keisuke looks over at Akira in surprise. That is the first thing the other male has said to him all day.
Akira presses on now that he has Keisuke’s attention.
“You’ve been troubled for days now. That bad dream from last night, it’s been bothering you for awhile, hasn’t it?”
He sounds angry, but there’s something else there that Keisuke cannot identify.
Rather than confess and add to Akira’s concerns, he laughs nervously.
“No; it was just last night. Don’t worry so much, Akira. I’m fine.”
But when he turns and tries to continue on his way, he feels someone grab his arm from behind.
“Don’t. Don’t smile and laugh it off like it’s nothing.”
Akira tugs Keisuke around until they’re face to face. His angry expression reminds Keisuke of the argument they had months ago which spurred him to take Line.
“I want to know the truth.”
“……”
Keisuke looks away uncomfortably, yet he can still feel Akira’s accusing glare focused on him. Finally, he admits to everything.
“...Yes, I have. It’s been going on for the past few nights now, but I didn’t want you to be troubled by-“
“I’m not that weak!”
Keisuke is shocked by Akira’s sudden outburst.
“I’m not fragile; I won’t break down just because I’m worried about you. I want you to be honest with me about how you feel.”
Akira’s voice isn’t so angry, but there is still a stern tone in it.
Keisuke let out a sigh.
“You were always the strong one, Akira. I’m sorry for keeping it from you.”
“…I’m not that strong either.”
Akira murmurs, so quiet Keisuke almost didn’t catch what he says. He is then taken by surprise when Akira suddenly embraces him, face pressed into his shoulder.
“When I thought you died, I didn’t know what to do or even if I could get back up afterwards. I… I don’t know if I would have been able to go on if you were really dead.”
Something that feels wet rubs against Keisuke’s shoulder. He has a sneaking suspicion of what is causing it, but rather than say so out loud he just hugs Akira back.
“I’m sorry, Akira…”
He murmurs those words again and again, muffled by the other male’s hair. They stay like this, in each other’s embrace, keeping the other from falling apart, for a long time
==+O+==
A bit too short for my liking, but I didn’t want you to go too long without a gift. Hope you enjoyed it!