my heart hurts
well haven't done drugs in abt a year, i quit drinking a week ago, just for a month or so.... we will see maybe longer. i picked the hardest time to quit purposely, when everything seems to be crumbling. i need to prove to myself i can control my actions. i don't have to be an addict or a loser. my heart hurts, bc its broken. only because i finally realized I've been kidding myself forever thinking i had a shot of filling this empty hole i have in my heart. that was really stupid of me, but it was nice to pretend for awhile. it was nice to feel whole again. it still hurts though. i thought abt doing drugs again to numb myself from reality.... i wanted to start cutting again bc i deserve it. but, i did alot of thinking and i realized that its not gonna fix anything. nothing will fix any of my problems and all i can do is keep trying and hope. im so empty.... i just feel alone. why in the fuck does nobody love me. how come i have one million friends, yet i cant find a damn person to love that loves me back. am i really that fuckin worthless!!!!! i guess i should just be greatful i have friends and enjoy that. although itd be nice to have someone to rely on n trust fully and be comforted in the fact that they will always be there for you someone to go to sleep with wake up next to n someone that relys on u for all of that just as much someone to be close to and share things and memories with. fuck there i go dreaming again. anyway thats my problem, i focus on what ill never have.