on my mind atm...
So, i am so Fuckin frustrated with myself right now.... im just never good enough, i kno i set my expectations for myself really high, but i don't give a fuck. I should be able to accomplish my goals and then exceed that. Im not smart enough, skinny enough, strong enough, confident enough, pretty enough, just never good enough in general. I can't solve everyones problems, i can't help everyone, shit atm i can't even help myself.... i should be a better person, i should be able to take care of myself and everyone else and i feel like im epically failing. Do i really suck at life that much. I should have my own house, i should be able to be with someone and be able to take care of their needs and their financial needs. But, instead i have nothing worth anything to offer to anyone. Why would anyone ever want to be with me. I have so many dumbass fears... im not scared to do crazy shit. Yet, normal things are nearly impossible for me to do. Fuck, i can't even make phone calls bc i have the weirdest social phobias. But, hell i can hang upside down on a bridge 200 feet in the air and spraypaint grafitti. Its just rediculous.... how can i be so scared of normal ass things. I also hate that i can't be a normal person and i have no idea how to talk to people. If im at a party, Theres no stopping me. Put?me in a normal situation though and i don't know what to say. I also am so Fuckin pissed that it scares the hell out of me to eat dinner with people bc i don't know how to eat dinner at a table with a family. I can't do it and i always think shit what do u do or say, what am i gonna do with the dishes, or what if i chew with my mouth open or i can't eat food properly or can't cut it up or weird shit like that. The whole idea of it just freaks me out... how in the hell would i know, all I've ever known is, "find something, there's paper plates on the counter" wtf.... that one is bothering me lately. I have to figure this out. I should be so much Fuckin further than this, im too Fuckin old for this bullshit. I should have a better car, a career, and a house. There's just so much i should be and im not. I hate myself, i Fuckin hate myself so Fuckin much. Why am i such a Fuckin pussy... fuck this shit. Ugh, i just want to suffer and punish myself for being so damn pathetic. That's the perfect way to describe me.... pathetic. I will make myself be better and do better.... but damn, atm, i Fuckin want to beat the shit out of myself. Im such a worthless piece of Fuckin shit.