Jan 26, 2011 00:19
Ok, so here it is.... im gonna have to post some of this in private bc there are some things i just can't have online believe it or not. My life is too unreal, but what i can say is I've figured something out tonight abt my drinking. I don't know how to live without it. I had so many excuses for why i drink i did some contemplating on it bc i wanted to know why i really drink so much. I've realized that I've used alcohol to do so many things. Mainly the number one is my confidence, it completely eliminates my inhibitions. I just realized tonight I've never even kissed someone sober before. The thought scares the hell out of me, idk if i can do it. I've never been able to completely express myself to other people directly without the aid of alcohol. I feel like i hold so much back, until im drinking. I have so many social anxietys as well, they dissapate with every drink. I feel like i can't be the person i want to be without drinking. There's a great deal more that I've never been able to do without being under the influence, but you get the point. Other than that i feel like it solves so many problems, anxiety, anger, depression, stress, insomnia, pain, all solved by a 5th. Then there's this point I've been at for a long time.... its litterally the only thing that makes me happy. I don't find enjoyment in anything at all unless im drinking. I litterally don't care about anything, i mean i do like some of the things i use to like, but only if im drinking with it. Music sounds better, everything is more fun, cigarettes taste better, everything even smells better. Its like a euphoria comes over me and it makes everything better. I could have the worst day ever and i could be screaming at my dad for being a complete dick or something, then i take some shots and im immediately ok. I realize there are downsides, my body is very sick, i completely am way to reliant on it. Which is completely out of character for me bc i only rely on myself. Im so independent and i take care of myself, but im starting to realize that without my alcohol im hindered from being able to do so many things. Which is a problem. It scares the shit out of me that people are starting to catch on to how dependent i am on me and the the thought of having to go without it, leaves me vulnerable. Me, of all Fuckin people.... the idea makes me sick. In fact trying not to drink tonight has gotten me rather emotional, bc im feeling so vulnerable without it. Probably because im scared and that's not something im accustom to being for very long. Ugh, this whole situation is frustrating, i should have just hid it better. Im like on the verge of just keeping it more secretive and play it off, but this whole situation has made me wonder if i can even do it. I absolutely believe there is no such thing as addiction other than physical dependence. The people who don't quit are just weak. Which i know im pretty much calling myself weak, but there's still somewhat of this denial i have that i can quit i just don't want to right now. Its all rather confusing and i go back and forth trying to figure it out, i anylyze myself so much bc i wanna know. I really think I've made a dent in understanding a bit more tonight tho. I did throw up already, which i kno it bc i haven't drank yet and im tryin to just hang out in my car so i don't go in and get smashed to get rid of the pain. I really don't think i know what to do with my time not drinking. People are either busy livin life or drinkin n gettin high. I can't just be relying on the people that do have lives to hold my hand everytime i wanna get fucked up and be there to stop me. I just don't have anything, except my alcohol. Shit, there's been a few times i was sooo close to calling my old p.o. just to talk to him, bc i didn't know what else to do. I quit doing drugs, but sometimes when i really feel like im gonna snap i just don't care and ill shoot up or smoke some foils. Normally only happens once or twice a year, where i just completely give up. But, idk... i kinda feel like its all crashin down on me now. Im functioning.... is it enough though. Now somedays i would say yeah, but i know a long time ago i wanted alot more than that. I use to wanna be someone and make a difference somewhere. Have i given up or is that side of me completely gone?.....