i have heartburn...
So... I don't really recall where I left off. But, its been a fucked up month. I don't know if I've already said this, but I got a car and my license back. I'm still working, I love my job. But, it can really blow ass and the pay is shit. Hopefully ill get a better job one day. Austin and shane are engaged. Jessica is a bitch and I'm finally so over her. I like someone else now, I just like to entertain the idea of it. Although, I'm not going to do anything about it. I think there is something about my purpose in life, that I will need to stay single. Lynzs ex-bf died in a car wreck. My sister started smoking weed, spraypainting, dating guys, sneaking out at night, and I guess she's been stealing for years. My youngest sister is facinated by drugs and is hanging out with druggies and criminals and has discovered a love for cussing fluently. My perception of drugs and alcohol has changed dramatically. I no longer feel like I need them and prefer not to get fucked up. I've had enough... Last night I did some x(molly) and got drunk. But, I really didn't want to. I just did it bc it was my only day off and everyone else wanted me to. Then I really realized it dosent have an appeal to me as it did before. I feel there's so much better ways to spend my time. I feel like I've taken on so much more responsibillity now and I don't have time to waste. I have real life things to do. As far as my sisters go, I've pretty much adopted the role of the parent. I pick them up, drop them off, ground them, help with homework, have life discussions, spy on them, check up on them, and constantly try to motivate them. I work 6 days a week, in which I open the store at 4-6am. I go to church, adoration, and liturgy as often as possible. I'm considering a second job and then possibly starting online college classes next semester. On a different note, this week has been really fucked up. I went to adoration last monday. I prayed about a lot of things. I know I have a lot of suffering I need to go through, bc I've been a shitty person. I've been through a lot and not to long ago I prayed for life to be easy just for awhile and then it was. Well, monday I decided that I was appreciative and that if life had to suck again I could deal with it, so long as it didn't involve my grandma dieing or losing my car or job. That night when I got home, my dad snapped on my sister, my sister snapped back and by the time I ran over to save her, she was beating the hell out of him. Then, he tried to call the cops and i freaked out and my sister ran to jump off the roof, then I got kicked out for sticking up for her, before I left my dad caught my sis and she grabbed a knife and slit her wrist open, then I drove around till work that morning, the next day was shitty too and I was so upset abt the day before and people were being assholes all day, then the next day I went to work and slipped and fell on ice and hurt myself really bad, I was in pain at work the whole day, then I slipped and fell two more time. After work I went home, then nikki calls me and tells me deana got in a car wreck and was dead. That was the most fucked up I think I have ever been mentally. I have never taken a death so hard and I had just been at her house the day before it happened. We had plans and it happened so fast and unexpectedly. I still am struggling with it. The next day alicias son died, he was 3 months old, the day after that lynz went over there and a whole bunch of drama shit went down, then I went to the visitation sunday, the funeral monday, and tommorow I have to work, then go to a funeral, then another visitation and its just one thing after another. But, I'm so tired, ill finish later... I wasn't eating or sleeping for days and I'm so emotionally, mentally, and physically drained.