Confused
Things are not what I thought they would be.
I made the wrong decision coming up here...I know that now. But I guess some positive has come out of it, I appreicate home SOO much more. Everything about home is now so much better. I realize that I am incredibly lucky with the TRUE friends I have down there, my parents, heck...I even think that lil ol' Newburgh/Evansville is a freaking amazing place...thanks to living in Muncie.
If there was some type of balance I don't think it would be as bad...but there isn't one at all. Things are falling apart at home. Not only that, but I miss home like crazy. I know that I don't want to go back to all the fighting, and I do like the freedom that I've gotten since moving up here, it's just that isn't enough. I miss everything. I miss my amazing friends, my parents, my brother, working at the chuck, taking a shower by myself and without shoes on, not having to climb up freaking stairs to get to my own bed, sharing my room with someone that i don't exactly get along with. I miss the ohio river, i miss camp, i miss having money. I miss having something to do, knowing where i'm at, being able to burp LOUDLY, adam.
So yes, I have come to the conclusion that my instinct about staying and going to USI was correct, and that I'm not supposed to be up here. Now I just have to decide...leave at semester or the year? Should I give it more time? I have learned so much about who I am, and who I want to become. My faith has strenghted 20x's over. I have some pretty good friends up here. Freedom is amazing. Devin is awesome.
I wish that I could be like my friend Denise. She lives 35 minutes away from here....right on the outside of Indy...but still lives in Indy. It's not like she comes t Muncie to do anything, she goes to Indy. So while USI is just about as far away from my home like hers is to BSU, Muncie is a different city. a different experience. Evansville is where we go to do everything, that's why it feels so different. I wish that I could be like the girl down the hall who went home for the night last night. Instead I got wasted because I couldn't deal with everything properly.
Adam is confusing the hell out of me too. His away message? oceans apart day after day, and i slowly go insane. i hear your voice on the line, but it doesn't stop the pain. if i see you next to never, how can we say forever? i took for granted, all the time that i thought would last somehow. i hear the laughter, i taste the tears, but i can't get near you now. i wonder how we can survice this romance. but in the end if i'm with you, ill take the chance. oh, can't you see it baby, you've got me going crazy. wherever you go, whatever you do, i will be right here waiting for you. whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, i will be right here waiting for you. BASTARD! I'm about 95% sure thats about me..but HOW can he do that?!? That's how I feel...and he knows that. How can he play with me like that? I would give up everything to be with him. If he were to call me and tell me that he's sorry and he really wants to give it a chance, then i would do everything in my power to make it work with us. he says he doesn't want to hold me back, but i haven't stopped thinking about him. I've moved on with my life. I'm settled in up here. Things are fine...and i know that 1, i can make time for a relationship...2, that i can make it work,...and 3, that i want to be with him and that hasn't changed. damn him. i keep saying that I dont want the Adam right now, but I want who I know that he can be, the guy he will become. That's true, but it still doesn't make me want him any less right now...in this moment. I would give anything to be with him right now. And that sucks.
I made the wrong decision coming up here...I know that now. But I guess some positive has come out of it, I appreicate home SOO much more. Everything about home is now so much better. I realize that I am incredibly lucky with the TRUE friends I have down there, my parents, heck...I even think that lil ol' Newburgh/Evansville is a freaking amazing place...thanks to living in Muncie.
If there was some type of balance I don't think it would be as bad...but there isn't one at all. Things are falling apart at home. Not only that, but I miss home like crazy. I know that I don't want to go back to all the fighting, and I do like the freedom that I've gotten since moving up here, it's just that isn't enough. I miss everything. I miss my amazing friends, my parents, my brother, working at the chuck, taking a shower by myself and without shoes on, not having to climb up freaking stairs to get to my own bed, sharing my room with someone that i don't exactly get along with. I miss the ohio river, i miss camp, i miss having money. I miss having something to do, knowing where i'm at, being able to burp LOUDLY, adam.
So yes, I have come to the conclusion that my instinct about staying and going to USI was correct, and that I'm not supposed to be up here. Now I just have to decide...leave at semester or the year? Should I give it more time? I have learned so much about who I am, and who I want to become. My faith has strenghted 20x's over. I have some pretty good friends up here. Freedom is amazing. Devin is awesome.
I wish that I could be like my friend Denise. She lives 35 minutes away from here....right on the outside of Indy...but still lives in Indy. It's not like she comes t Muncie to do anything, she goes to Indy. So while USI is just about as far away from my home like hers is to BSU, Muncie is a different city. a different experience. Evansville is where we go to do everything, that's why it feels so different. I wish that I could be like the girl down the hall who went home for the night last night. Instead I got wasted because I couldn't deal with everything properly.
Adam is confusing the hell out of me too. His away message? oceans apart day after day, and i slowly go insane. i hear your voice on the line, but it doesn't stop the pain. if i see you next to never, how can we say forever? i took for granted, all the time that i thought would last somehow. i hear the laughter, i taste the tears, but i can't get near you now. i wonder how we can survice this romance. but in the end if i'm with you, ill take the chance. oh, can't you see it baby, you've got me going crazy. wherever you go, whatever you do, i will be right here waiting for you. whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, i will be right here waiting for you. BASTARD! I'm about 95% sure thats about me..but HOW can he do that?!? That's how I feel...and he knows that. How can he play with me like that? I would give up everything to be with him. If he were to call me and tell me that he's sorry and he really wants to give it a chance, then i would do everything in my power to make it work with us. he says he doesn't want to hold me back, but i haven't stopped thinking about him. I've moved on with my life. I'm settled in up here. Things are fine...and i know that 1, i can make time for a relationship...2, that i can make it work,...and 3, that i want to be with him and that hasn't changed. damn him. i keep saying that I dont want the Adam right now, but I want who I know that he can be, the guy he will become. That's true, but it still doesn't make me want him any less right now...in this moment. I would give anything to be with him right now. And that sucks.