(Untitled)

[promisedlotus]

Characters: Kanda Yu [promisedlotus], Y O U!
When: Backdate to Saturday, March 17th.
Where: Apartment Rooftop.
Rating: G.
Summary: Kanda and his feels and lack of duty in Nesreca.

Comments

[looseleafbook]

[So much like home except they might suffocate with all of the familiar faces and still have nothing to do. Home... Home would be best. But it's not Kanda's fault for Lenalee going home, they both saw her every day and saw the toll this place was taking on her. It wasn't healthy. She's better off out of here. They're the stronger two, the ones with those walls built up so high that they can take the hits of losing everyone dear. They can keep going because it's their job to when everyone else is gone. Even if they're not the happiest for it.

Lavi can't even really remember - not truly - what it's like to be happy.

They can watch them here. Maybe secretly record them with their devices so that Kanda can have the memories with him for a while longer than normal. So that they won't become blurred with time. It might not help should Alma leave and it won't help Lavi or Alma if Kanda is the one to leave. But they'll be reminders of happier times at least, when they were all together instead of so far away.]

There's plenty of things, they're just...mundane. [They're not the job we were charged with.

It's amazing their Innocence hasn't made them fall with the lack of anything to do or to fight. Lavi keeps a hold of Kanda's hand like he's afraid his friend will disappear in an instant right in front of him. Just taking Kanda toward the stairs.]

[promisedlotus]

[Maybe. It helped Kanda deal, having everyone here. Moreso when they came back, though... it definitely hurt more when they left again. That's probably what he hasn't recovered from.

He still feels guilty, though. He did absolutely nothing to help Lenalee, he was so focused on trying to get back at Rhode that he had forgotten who really needed him. She was like a little sister to him, and all he did was make a complete fool of himself, with zero concern or...anything toward the others in the Order. He knows that now, when it's too late to tell her or Allen that he's sorry. Sorry for everything...

They might be the stronger of the four emotionally, but at this rate...who knows how long the walls would last. Kanda's own walls started crumbling when Allen first left, and with every departure since, it just gets chipped away at. Who knows if it's even possible to build the walls back up at this point. Probably not. It's been way too long, they've been here too long for that to happen.

(Maybe if they were living in Credinta, instead, it would be different.)

Kanda...has probably, not even once, felt true happiness. It's always been a sadistic twist, for him, courtesy of the organization he was created to fight for. Enough of a twist, at least, where he was still left feeling a form of satisfaction when something was done or happened. He at least knows what that feels like.

Watching from a device doesn't really cut it for Kanda. It leaves him feeling empty, and as he is now...it's really the last thing he needs. He used to go back and read/watch/listen to everyone's posts to the network when he was really missing them, but now he doesn't. The last thing he needs is to find himself falling back into depression when he's been trying to fight against that. All he had done, then, was drink alcohol. Which was...definitely not the healthiest way to go about it.

He wasn't a drunkard. He wasn't Cross, dammit. So when he had seen that Alma had gotten rid of all of it, he snapped himself out of it. Cold turkey. This was his last body, with limited time left, it was...

He was being so childish and stupid. Who's to say how well his organs have been holding up, with his body slowly cracking and turning to stone. The last thing he honestly needs is to crumble and die of kidney failure and, well, crumbling. (He really was deathly afraid of that being the way he permanently goes.)

The projects, the little things left behind... It's not the job they were charged with, but...] It works well enough for now.

[It's still something to do. Something to focus on, even for a brief amount of time. It's better than sitting around and brooding and moping and thinking about things he can't change here. Thinking about people he can't bring back, about things he should have done, how he shouldn't have acted the way he did toward x or during x situation...

He was tired of thinking. He just wanted to do, to act. He couldn't even imagine what Lavi must be going through, being a Bookman with absolutely nothing to record.

When Lavi doesn't let go of his hand, Kanda glances down at it before he's lead back to the stairs. He isn't going anywhere, but...

... Just this once, Lavi.]

[looseleafbook]

[Everyone would be nice to have here. Lavi was missing the old man terribly and wanted to see him again. Wanted him out of that dangerous situation. Wanted them all back at the Order together but he knew it wasn't going to happen any time soon. Here was the best chance they had of being together again. Neither of them were used to having people that meant something to them up and leave. Not this frequently.

Rhode was a valid concern though - her second and short visit aside - it's doubtful that Lenalee would blame him for trying to focus on one of the few enemies they had here. Lenalee was just always there waiting for them to come home to her because she cared for them so much. And Kanda's grown if he knows that what he did was a little wrong, he could apologize when they came back. Even if it ended up being that they didn't remember what the apology was for.

Lavi's walls aren't much stronger, perhaps just a little bit more because of him not caring about everyone that came and left. Even if he made bonds with them, Allen and Lenalee both were just major dents in the wall. But much longer... He didn't know how well they'd hold if Kanda or Alma lost. They were the last two walls so to speak.

(To him where they live doesn't matter.)

It's so relative and fleeting, what makes them all happy. Perhaps...perhaps they'll both be happy with Lenalee and Allen back by their sides again. And it won't be satisfaction or contentment.

Yeah, we don't need you falling back into that slump. You were bad enough when Lavi was in his so you don't get to do the same yourself, or at least alone. If you're going to drown in the memories (alcohol or no) you're going to do it with Lavi at your side. Because maybe then they can drag each other out with a sudden fist fight at having let the other seen the tear slide down their cheek or a face crumple in sorrow.

You should really thank Lavi for that, he's the one that got bitty to throw it all out. Hell, he's even thrown his own out after that farewell toast.

And don't make him drag you to see Kiriko about your health. You need to see a doctor and he's the only one that won't toss them out on their asses even if he is in training. Perhaps they should have made use of the healers they had before they all disappeared. ...Wait, they do have Sakura now but she's not spoken of her skills.]

Not for me.

[Lavi needed something to do so badly he almost burned with it. He was tempted - oh, so tempted - to go into Credinta and try and merge with the culture simply to record their history despite not having the resources that he needed nor the materials (i.e. proper identification) necessary to live there. He was willing to do that just for something to do that wasn't... This horrible excuse of existence.

Thank you for letting him be childish this once. He needs someone to be close to and he doesn't have anyone. Not really. Not like Kanda does with Alma.

But he lets the other's hand slip from his own as soon as they enter the library.]

Wait here, I'll bring towels from my room.