Uggg
I know it's been a long time, maybe years, but tonight I'm having a pretty nasty low and figured it's the perfect mood to update. So much has changed in the last few years, and for the most part, I love the way my life has been going. Then I break my stupid foot (disclaimer, I actually love my foot). The difficulty this has caused my physically and psychologically has been massive. Now, I'm laying in the bathtub, thinking of the joys of suicide. WTF. Me, I have been so over it, past depression, past eating issues, and finally began loving who I am- the sudden change and random shit days have really caught me off guard. How can someone who pushes so hard fall so gloriously fast that death actually seems like a jolly option? To be sure, there's a 99% percent chance nothing will come of said desire, but I still feel it. This old familiar pull toward eternal nothing, all because of. A foot. Obviously, it's more than that, but I suspect my running and cycling has been the tie that keeps this feeling of worthlessness at bay. It's hard to feel like I can't when I can take down miles at a time. Starting over is terrifying and in the interim I just feel... useless :/ hoping it ceases soon, I'm too old now to fight off the demons of depression....