thoughts in june

[nitechild]

It's been a while, obviously... I never post like I should, but I am in deep thought tonight and felt the need to write it out. What you ask? well, I have to say I have been celebrating my year mark in being Bulemia free, hooray. but to get here I have had to work my butt off and admit to myself that I will never and have never been pretty. It's depressing, but really doesn't alter who I am or effect much in the way of my life, it's just something I have to let go of. It's so weird as I grow older and realize I am past the point where I can hide this behind a skinny body or revealing clothes, past the point where I soothe the pain by starvation, or the opposite, past the point of not accepting myself and yet..... Sometimes it does make me a little sad. I go to look online for a snippet or an idea of who I can compare myself too, for no reason other than a gauge of where I stand on the not pretty scale (like, I know I'm not ugly) but there is no comparison to be found. I am too smart to be confused by all the ads, yet here I am. I am not a 'real' woman because I am not fat. I'm not even ok with people being fat, fat is wrong, but it's real, something to cheer behind, something people rally for. I am not beautiful, I am not skinny. These women are elavated to a godlike scale, where people see nothing but the shell of the person they are. It's not really a category I'd ever aspire to be in (especially now that I am a bit aged). But what fills the gap? There's thousands of mes out there but it's so hard to find us boring, not fat, not skinny, not real, not beautiful, not curvy, not model women.

And I don't know why I care tonight...