Late night rant
I was awaken in the middle of the night by the intense itch on my arms. I started scratching them, then my calves itch, and then feet. Littles spots of blood started to appear. It's bad but it's hard to stop.
This eczema of mine, is the main reason I avoid being in a relationship. It kills my self-esteem. I have little scars all over my body, and everytime I look at them they remind me of how ugly I am.
I want to stop feeling bad for feeling bad, does that make sense? I know some other peole might have worse illnesses, probably in much more intense pain, born into less fortunate families etc. But I'm not them and I don't know how they feel. This is my pain amd I deserve to feel bad or whatever feelings I have. I'm tired of distracting myself by thinking others have it worse. It's like I'm tricking myself into thinking that my pain is insignificant, and I hate that.
If this eczema doesn't go away, I'm not sure I can look at a potential husband in the eye without thinking that he and his future children deserves better. Obviously I don't know what Allah has planned for me, but isn't it selfish for me to risk passing this illness to my future children? Which will only happen if there's even a guy who would love me, sick, scars and all?
The hardest part of this pain? I kept thinking what if it's my fault? What if this pain happened because my room is not clean enough, I'm not eating healthily enough, I'm weak at resisting foods that will cause me pain later etc.
Sometimes I wish there's a magic potion that I could take that would cure me, which I know is impossible. There are options that I could try but I'm not sure if it's available here yet. Also, I still live off my parents. A lot of efforts in overcoming eczema need a good amount of money and that...had not happen yet. Getting creams and antihistamines has already cost them hundreds, I feel selfish if I were to ask for more.
At this point, I feel so hopeless that I honestly felt stupid for asking Allah to cure me. Clearly not the kind of thinking a servant should have towards his/her Creator.
Allah, I'm not sure I could live my life constantly asking You to cure me till the day I die, so while I'm still having high hopes, would You please cure me? No more itchiness, dry skin, bleeding pretty please?
I love You Allah, I know you have blessed me with so many things. Would you add another blessing which is me getting rid of eczema forever? Hopefully before I fall hard for a guy?
☺️
This eczema of mine, is the main reason I avoid being in a relationship. It kills my self-esteem. I have little scars all over my body, and everytime I look at them they remind me of how ugly I am.
I want to stop feeling bad for feeling bad, does that make sense? I know some other peole might have worse illnesses, probably in much more intense pain, born into less fortunate families etc. But I'm not them and I don't know how they feel. This is my pain amd I deserve to feel bad or whatever feelings I have. I'm tired of distracting myself by thinking others have it worse. It's like I'm tricking myself into thinking that my pain is insignificant, and I hate that.
If this eczema doesn't go away, I'm not sure I can look at a potential husband in the eye without thinking that he and his future children deserves better. Obviously I don't know what Allah has planned for me, but isn't it selfish for me to risk passing this illness to my future children? Which will only happen if there's even a guy who would love me, sick, scars and all?
The hardest part of this pain? I kept thinking what if it's my fault? What if this pain happened because my room is not clean enough, I'm not eating healthily enough, I'm weak at resisting foods that will cause me pain later etc.
Sometimes I wish there's a magic potion that I could take that would cure me, which I know is impossible. There are options that I could try but I'm not sure if it's available here yet. Also, I still live off my parents. A lot of efforts in overcoming eczema need a good amount of money and that...had not happen yet. Getting creams and antihistamines has already cost them hundreds, I feel selfish if I were to ask for more.
At this point, I feel so hopeless that I honestly felt stupid for asking Allah to cure me. Clearly not the kind of thinking a servant should have towards his/her Creator.
Allah, I'm not sure I could live my life constantly asking You to cure me till the day I die, so while I'm still having high hopes, would You please cure me? No more itchiness, dry skin, bleeding pretty please?
I love You Allah, I know you have blessed me with so many things. Would you add another blessing which is me getting rid of eczema forever? Hopefully before I fall hard for a guy?
☺️