days
My days are up and down... When Kate is home, they are more up than down. And when she is gone, I struggle to make it through the day. Thursday was devastatingly difficult. My isolation was profound and I struggled to get through the day. Difficult days only seem to get darker. I went back on meds a few weeks ago. And, given the types of thoughts I've been having, we may actually need to change my meds. They don't really seem to be helping, and may in fact may be making my depression worse. The self-damaging thoughts have been escalating and getting more and more specific. I've talked to Kate and am not hiding this. If this doesn't change or gets worse, I go back to the Doctor to change meds. I have been on this one before but the effect was different. But also, this time, the need is different. Before I used Lexapro for both anxiety and depression. Currently, my issues is only depression. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. My level of apathy is starting to bridge into my job (which was my warning sign that things were getting out of control). I feel isolated and immediately go back into the darkness the moment I am alone, no matter who I was around. Being around people, in public places does help so I am doing this more. And I get more work done. I just feel alone... all the time.
And the stress had other effects... Unfortunately, when I went home two weeks ago, I triggered briefly back to my assault. His name was mentioned socially (not to me, thankfully) and I froze. I had no where to go as my mood was temporarily shattered. I immediately quit drinking for the rest of the night, and when finally unfroze, I walked out of the room for a moment. As I said to a friend via text, 'there is nothing more sobering than hearing the name of your rapist is used in casual conversation. Especially when anyone who would know is not there.' But, I quickly refocused (I had no choice really) and rejoined the festivities, just a bit more sober (both mentally and physically). This incident brought those events back into my mind, and yesterday, I triggered after an intimate moment with Kate. I have never had flashbacks, but I did. And I know the stress and depression influence this a lot. I just sucks.
There are moments when I am okay. There are moment I am very not okay. Basically, this is very hard. I know it will be a difficult week. I know I will cry when Kate leaves. I know I will feel isolated, even when I'm not alone. But I know I just have to survive 3 days... 3 days this week... 3 days next week... and so on. It's just that when I'm in the dark... I just want to feel nothing. And that is the part that should scare me. But doesn't.
And the stress had other effects... Unfortunately, when I went home two weeks ago, I triggered briefly back to my assault. His name was mentioned socially (not to me, thankfully) and I froze. I had no where to go as my mood was temporarily shattered. I immediately quit drinking for the rest of the night, and when finally unfroze, I walked out of the room for a moment. As I said to a friend via text, 'there is nothing more sobering than hearing the name of your rapist is used in casual conversation. Especially when anyone who would know is not there.' But, I quickly refocused (I had no choice really) and rejoined the festivities, just a bit more sober (both mentally and physically). This incident brought those events back into my mind, and yesterday, I triggered after an intimate moment with Kate. I have never had flashbacks, but I did. And I know the stress and depression influence this a lot. I just sucks.
There are moments when I am okay. There are moment I am very not okay. Basically, this is very hard. I know it will be a difficult week. I know I will cry when Kate leaves. I know I will feel isolated, even when I'm not alone. But I know I just have to survive 3 days... 3 days this week... 3 days next week... and so on. It's just that when I'm in the dark... I just want to feel nothing. And that is the part that should scare me. But doesn't.