I am ok
While my intention was to sit down and update LJ, I've been playing on my computer for 40 minutes in complete distraction ;)
It's been awhile...
I went internal for several weeks. Some would argue it was more over a month. But it was good. Last week was the end of it. Monday was pure hell. Probably one of the worst days in several months. But then... it was like hitting bottom and the moving up from there.
I had a dream last Sunday. Actually, it really was more of a nightmare.
I was in a bed and hands were restrained to my sides in a loose T shape near my shoulders. (I realized I was actually sleeping in this position when I awoke) Three people were in the room all doing their own thing yet I didn't feel alone or uncomfortable. Two people walked out. I then realized that my "restraints" were not leather or rope, but a spider's thread. A very large (2 inches big!) white and grey spider then crawled towards my wrist and was trying to bite my wrists and hands. Obviously I was freaking out and kept trying to flick it off. Sometimes I managed to stretch one hand across to the other side to flip the spider away but the webbing that bound me (it was like small strands of rope) then somehow reinforced itself and my hands were once again bound. There was one person still in the room and started begging her to help me. She said she would but never moved... I kept whimpering "please" and begging her to help me as I continued to attempt to avoid the spider's bite. I woke up and finally was able to move my arms which I realized had actually been "restrained" by the dream-state which had added to the intensity of the dream.
I figured this out on Thursday... and I think that broke me out of silence. While there is still much for to me work on in relation to the dream, the realization of what it meant helped trigger something in me that allowed me to start externalizing again. I'm still pondering much. But I can honestly say that much and many revalations have occured since then. I'm doing better. Much better. Things in my life are turning towards a new direction.
It's been a long time since I could say that.
It's been awhile...
I went internal for several weeks. Some would argue it was more over a month. But it was good. Last week was the end of it. Monday was pure hell. Probably one of the worst days in several months. But then... it was like hitting bottom and the moving up from there.
I had a dream last Sunday. Actually, it really was more of a nightmare.
I was in a bed and hands were restrained to my sides in a loose T shape near my shoulders. (I realized I was actually sleeping in this position when I awoke) Three people were in the room all doing their own thing yet I didn't feel alone or uncomfortable. Two people walked out. I then realized that my "restraints" were not leather or rope, but a spider's thread. A very large (2 inches big!) white and grey spider then crawled towards my wrist and was trying to bite my wrists and hands. Obviously I was freaking out and kept trying to flick it off. Sometimes I managed to stretch one hand across to the other side to flip the spider away but the webbing that bound me (it was like small strands of rope) then somehow reinforced itself and my hands were once again bound. There was one person still in the room and started begging her to help me. She said she would but never moved... I kept whimpering "please" and begging her to help me as I continued to attempt to avoid the spider's bite. I woke up and finally was able to move my arms which I realized had actually been "restrained" by the dream-state which had added to the intensity of the dream.
I figured this out on Thursday... and I think that broke me out of silence. While there is still much for to me work on in relation to the dream, the realization of what it meant helped trigger something in me that allowed me to start externalizing again. I'm still pondering much. But I can honestly say that much and many revalations have occured since then. I'm doing better. Much better. Things in my life are turning towards a new direction.
- School Applications are all in. I am confident in these and know even moreso that if I don't get in, I have a plan. Eventually I will reach my goal. It's just a matter of the path I need to take to do so.
- Things in my personal life are doing well, mostly because I started to make some major changes in how I think about and approach relationships. I started to make changes in me which have resulted in a much better worldview of my life. I realized that I am ok alone. If I want to be with someone that is different. But I don't "need" someone in a relationship. I can want them, but I do not need them.
- I also realized that I need to be more careful with my Trust. And I will not be hurt again in the same way. The keys to my heart are available...but they have to earned. And that will take Time, more than anything.
- I am still working things out in several elements. It's gonna take time I know. And I may make a few wrong choices along the way... and I know that not everyone (as I well know) will like some my decisions along the way. But I need these people to keep me on my toes. To keep my eyes open.
It's been a long time since I could say that.