yep, it's that time again.
i've been dealing...
with quite a lot lately. not many of you know a recent change, & not many of you will. but it's there, always on my mind.
i've moved out of where i was comfortable, to a place i haven't been for almost 10yrs. i left a job where i loved the people, save for a few, only to start at a new store that has a crew with a bad reputation & poor work ethic.
i left a place that only promoted my anti-social attitude. yet, filled my sense of community, even if the people there weren't communal. as i sat, in my room, at my father's house last night/this morning, i thought, & i felt. & i realized how lonely i felt. both in my house & in my heart. i've spent many a moment within the last week on the verge of crying, but stopping myself, save for a few tears.
it's going to take some time, getting used to the changes that have occured. i'm not used to being the only one in a house that's up at all odd hours of the night, with almost nothing to do. i don't have regular internet, so there's no random browsing or surfing to be done & i don't have WoW (World of Warcraft) anymore to waste countless hours on waiting for something to do. & that was the problem with it, for me. i was WAITING to do something, instead of doing it.
being back on the eastside brings with it many positive things for me, or so i hope.
-i have a house to work on & renovate to become a home once more.
-true, there is a lot of cleaning that must be done...ok, ok A LOT of cleaning
-but once that's done, the fixing & repairing may begin.
-i have things to do again, even if just walking around.
-in the random walking i have random encounters with random people, places, or things.
-i, also, have family near me once more...even if not all blood-related, those that read this i do consider as family, since, you know me best...or at least better than most of my family knows me.
-i have a new store with new opportunities
-the potential for growth in position (& hopefully pay) is there
-even if i don't continue in the grocery business, UWM is RIGHT there.
-but what do i go back for, what jobs out there would there be for me & the intellect i possess?
-another area in which i am lost...since i know my body & i cannot stock shelves the rest of my life.
-i no longer have the stress of living with a dominating asshole that likes to demean everyone, claim he does everything when in reality he does nothing until the nothing everyone else does irritates him into action.
-i no longer have the same asshole saying that what i do at work isn't good enough for him to be able to move up, when in reality, it is he holding himself back with his lack of people skills.
-i no longer am trapped away from everything & everyone i truly love.
-i no longer have to find a good reason to take a day off at work, or put in for vacation time.
-i no longer have to fight for said time off
with all that i have & all that i don't have; with all the negativity i have shed & all the positivity i have gained, why is it that i STILL feel lonely, as a void? am i addicted to depression? do i feel lost without it? or am i lost because i am without it? with all the conveinences of internet & video games gone away, i now have time to do simple things again, like read. true, there are games i still enjoy...but i can return to reading without worry of having someone burst in & interrupt it with some random idiocy...whether told, or performed before me. believe you me, that was what was holding me back from doing more reading...that idiot.
i no longer have to stress over being woken, or kept awake by the squeaking of his bed, or woman...i could never tell the difference...wait, did i really just call her a woman? she is barely that....his girl? sure...that works.
i'm starting to wonder if i do truly need to seek help for anxiety/depression...as things, at times, seem to be too big for me & i freak out...either that, or i just had a bad week. i'm also wondering if i need help for my memory...i forget things, & things in conversation all the time. it's been happening more recently, but, that could be due to stress, or over amounts of it. i'm still trying to figure that one out...but it's been an issue & has caused some frustration in those around me, how often i repeat myself, telling the same thing or story...whether it been days, weeks, or even hours inbetween....i feel bad for my horrible memory, i do..it hurts inside when i forget things. i don't mean to, but, i do....forget them, that is.
my room is first & foremost on the things in the house that needs to be done. it's been 5yrs since i had a room of my own, to call my own. i'm hoping that the energy from my room at the house by The Tracks will return to it...for those of you that know, you remember how powerful that was...even if i have to break my "i quit" to help it along, i think i could deal with that. i'm almost to the unpacking stage, i can feel it, taste it & it is sweet.
after my room, comes the great cleaning of the 1st floor...it's going to be intense...there are 4 rooms on the 1st floor...one of which isn't as bad as the other three, but, still apart of it. i cannot & will not do what my mother did & just throw it all out, or, just push it into a different room. it will be clean/ed & it will be organized.
after it's all been cleaned, downstairs, we need to clean & clear the clutter from the second half of the upstairs...half done rennovations still exist, but it's not yet habitable. it needs a bathroom & a small kitchen, but as that gets done, the kitchen downstairs will move over, two rooms & where the kitchen is, the master bedroom will go. (the kitchen is in the back of the house atm). inbetween those two is the room unfinished which will be the dining room...when it's done. the only finished room in the house is the living room.
the 1st floor bathroom needs some work...nothing in the lines of plumbing, but, new walls, new cabinets...new energy. my father's room, i leave to him. if he wishes to live in clutter, that's his own choice.
what worries, or, concerns me, is his smoking & drinking habits. he no longer has no one watching him. it's not that he lies, but, like any addict, he hides. this morning, at 8:30am, an hour & 15min before he clocked in, he was drinking a can of beer...true, it was only 1 & it's not hard liquer...but it still concerns me, deeply. i don't know how to approach him, or what/how to say it to him, but it's an issue that needs to be addressed. i'd like, very much, for my father to live to see the house be finished.
he's been meaning to do these fix-ups for 20yrs now. i have myself & a few reliable, able-bodied friends i can ask for help from. i want to be done in 5yrs, or so....after all that is done, i can relax & do little things...like clean out the attic, or basement. in my retirement era of house fix-ups, i think i want to fix up the basement....well, one can dream, anyhow...for now, my room & my place in which to meditate & mature in is the matter at hand.
with quite a lot lately. not many of you know a recent change, & not many of you will. but it's there, always on my mind.
i've moved out of where i was comfortable, to a place i haven't been for almost 10yrs. i left a job where i loved the people, save for a few, only to start at a new store that has a crew with a bad reputation & poor work ethic.
i left a place that only promoted my anti-social attitude. yet, filled my sense of community, even if the people there weren't communal. as i sat, in my room, at my father's house last night/this morning, i thought, & i felt. & i realized how lonely i felt. both in my house & in my heart. i've spent many a moment within the last week on the verge of crying, but stopping myself, save for a few tears.
it's going to take some time, getting used to the changes that have occured. i'm not used to being the only one in a house that's up at all odd hours of the night, with almost nothing to do. i don't have regular internet, so there's no random browsing or surfing to be done & i don't have WoW (World of Warcraft) anymore to waste countless hours on waiting for something to do. & that was the problem with it, for me. i was WAITING to do something, instead of doing it.
being back on the eastside brings with it many positive things for me, or so i hope.
-i have a house to work on & renovate to become a home once more.
-true, there is a lot of cleaning that must be done...ok, ok A LOT of cleaning
-but once that's done, the fixing & repairing may begin.
-i have things to do again, even if just walking around.
-in the random walking i have random encounters with random people, places, or things.
-i, also, have family near me once more...even if not all blood-related, those that read this i do consider as family, since, you know me best...or at least better than most of my family knows me.
-i have a new store with new opportunities
-the potential for growth in position (& hopefully pay) is there
-even if i don't continue in the grocery business, UWM is RIGHT there.
-but what do i go back for, what jobs out there would there be for me & the intellect i possess?
-another area in which i am lost...since i know my body & i cannot stock shelves the rest of my life.
-i no longer have the stress of living with a dominating asshole that likes to demean everyone, claim he does everything when in reality he does nothing until the nothing everyone else does irritates him into action.
-i no longer have the same asshole saying that what i do at work isn't good enough for him to be able to move up, when in reality, it is he holding himself back with his lack of people skills.
-i no longer am trapped away from everything & everyone i truly love.
-i no longer have to find a good reason to take a day off at work, or put in for vacation time.
-i no longer have to fight for said time off
with all that i have & all that i don't have; with all the negativity i have shed & all the positivity i have gained, why is it that i STILL feel lonely, as a void? am i addicted to depression? do i feel lost without it? or am i lost because i am without it? with all the conveinences of internet & video games gone away, i now have time to do simple things again, like read. true, there are games i still enjoy...but i can return to reading without worry of having someone burst in & interrupt it with some random idiocy...whether told, or performed before me. believe you me, that was what was holding me back from doing more reading...that idiot.
i no longer have to stress over being woken, or kept awake by the squeaking of his bed, or woman...i could never tell the difference...wait, did i really just call her a woman? she is barely that....his girl? sure...that works.
i'm starting to wonder if i do truly need to seek help for anxiety/depression...as things, at times, seem to be too big for me & i freak out...either that, or i just had a bad week. i'm also wondering if i need help for my memory...i forget things, & things in conversation all the time. it's been happening more recently, but, that could be due to stress, or over amounts of it. i'm still trying to figure that one out...but it's been an issue & has caused some frustration in those around me, how often i repeat myself, telling the same thing or story...whether it been days, weeks, or even hours inbetween....i feel bad for my horrible memory, i do..it hurts inside when i forget things. i don't mean to, but, i do....forget them, that is.
my room is first & foremost on the things in the house that needs to be done. it's been 5yrs since i had a room of my own, to call my own. i'm hoping that the energy from my room at the house by The Tracks will return to it...for those of you that know, you remember how powerful that was...even if i have to break my "i quit" to help it along, i think i could deal with that. i'm almost to the unpacking stage, i can feel it, taste it & it is sweet.
after my room, comes the great cleaning of the 1st floor...it's going to be intense...there are 4 rooms on the 1st floor...one of which isn't as bad as the other three, but, still apart of it. i cannot & will not do what my mother did & just throw it all out, or, just push it into a different room. it will be clean/ed & it will be organized.
after it's all been cleaned, downstairs, we need to clean & clear the clutter from the second half of the upstairs...half done rennovations still exist, but it's not yet habitable. it needs a bathroom & a small kitchen, but as that gets done, the kitchen downstairs will move over, two rooms & where the kitchen is, the master bedroom will go. (the kitchen is in the back of the house atm). inbetween those two is the room unfinished which will be the dining room...when it's done. the only finished room in the house is the living room.
the 1st floor bathroom needs some work...nothing in the lines of plumbing, but, new walls, new cabinets...new energy. my father's room, i leave to him. if he wishes to live in clutter, that's his own choice.
what worries, or, concerns me, is his smoking & drinking habits. he no longer has no one watching him. it's not that he lies, but, like any addict, he hides. this morning, at 8:30am, an hour & 15min before he clocked in, he was drinking a can of beer...true, it was only 1 & it's not hard liquer...but it still concerns me, deeply. i don't know how to approach him, or what/how to say it to him, but it's an issue that needs to be addressed. i'd like, very much, for my father to live to see the house be finished.
he's been meaning to do these fix-ups for 20yrs now. i have myself & a few reliable, able-bodied friends i can ask for help from. i want to be done in 5yrs, or so....after all that is done, i can relax & do little things...like clean out the attic, or basement. in my retirement era of house fix-ups, i think i want to fix up the basement....well, one can dream, anyhow...for now, my room & my place in which to meditate & mature in is the matter at hand.