(no subject)
So, I’ve been meaning to write an update for a week, or so, now & figured, I might as well do it, especially after the night/day I just had…this is going to be more like two posts in one….
Anyways…
A few people have asked how I’m doing/how I’ve been lately & I figured I’d just address it en masse…truthfully? I’m not ‘ok’ & haven’t been for quite some time now…the work/home stress has just been too much for me to handle. & I’ve needed to change something about it…I knew the solution, but, as we all know, I’m a horrible procrastinator & only hurt myself in said procrastination…
To digress
For the few who, may be reading this, & don’t know, I live & work with my manager at work. At one point I’d have called him my ‘brother’ but it doesn’t even seem like we’re friends anymore. We talk, laugh, go about the daily routine as normal…but things have changed, & so has he. To look at it outwardly, he may say I’ve changed as well….but, this is about me, fuck him.
I feel & have felt like a tool of his. Many of those at work & at home have noticed that he keeps only those around him that he can use & manipulate to his own ends. He uses me at work to cover days when he wants off, to keep his ‘routine’ while screwing with everyone elses’ & uses phrases like “but it’s what the business needs” to justify how he does things. I originally took the “lead” position to cover ordering so he could have Saturday nights off, I didn’t do it for me, or my own advancement in the company (since, for myself it’s always been easier & leaves me with a sense of satisfaction when I do things for others & not myself)…no, I was happy being “just a stocker”
…I’m just tired of the feeling of being walked over…I have problems being assertive & standing up for myself. With & for others I do just fine with….but not for me, no, never me….as harsh as it was hearing it, my gf is right…I’m almost 27 & its time I grow a pair….oh, it truly was harsh to hear it & it did sting, but, I know I needed to hear it. I know it needs to happen. I’ve always been more of a “go with the flow” easy going kind of person. I’ll admit, I have my passive aggressive moments, but I also don’t always know how to deal with issues…at times I feel whiney, or selfish, so I just keep my mouth shut & try to examine it within myself…I fear upsetting people, always have…at times I feel I care too much for others & not myself…
For the past few years we, he & I, haven’t done nearly as much as we used to together. (yea, I know, even my father chuckles & says that this sounds like a marriage gone down hill, lol, it kinda is…just keep reading) it used to be a kinship, a brotherhood. We’d walk the woods, talk about every & anything…we’d buy ganja together & enjoy. For the last two years of our smoking (I quit recently, not because I WANTED to, but because of finances & it just being a good idea) I was the one buying & looking for & going & getting…he just got to enjoy my generosity with it. Since Ren Faire last year, I basically stopped sharing with him because I was the only one putting my $$ towards it. ..i think my stopping being so generous pissed him off, he never said it, but I didn’t care, it was my money, my time spent getting/finding it, so IT was MINE.
I’m tired of being his stress doll…my breaking point was last week at work. Someone “no-called no-showed” or so he was told…he was fucked that night & barely anything got done (I was off). The next night, he went in HELLBENT on suspending the guy, at the very least, written up. When he talked to the manager, he found out that the store director ok’d this guy not coming in…he was beyond livid at hearing that. & proceeded to take it out on everyone on the crew that night. Which, to me, is just bad managing…not only did I have to deal with that at work, but at home as well…I was just done. I’m tired of being threatened with a write up because he’s pissed at someone else & all of a sudden my production just isn’t good enough to satisfy him.
Aside from that, he’ll yell/scold me about something on two different days…take this & last night for example. I unloaded a truck & just dropped the dairy pallets in the cooler where ever. Got yelled at saying they needed to be put in there neatly so we can “pick & choose” what to do when we get there…we didn’t even get to that load Sunday night…regardless, last night, he stops me from what I’m doing, pulls me half way across the store to show me & explain AGAIN what he did the night before, just so I was clear…that’s fucking demeaning & a waste of time.
All we ever talk about anymore, at home or at work to pass the time, is whatever he’s doing. If he’s playing WoW that’s all he talks about, right now, it’s D&D because he’s preparing a character for a friend of our’s game…which, before he switched my nights off, I mentioned “hey, I want to play, I think it’s going to be fun”….then he switched the shit around….& to even get him to play, our mutual friend switched his WHOLE game around & the original restrictions he was going to place on it just to get him to play…again, unless it’s done his way, or sounds appealing to him, he won’t ever go with it….
I’ll show him a miniature that I’m working on & he’ll just be like “I’ll see it when it’s done” & when I do finish it, like Casey’s mini (which, I was REALLY proud of) all he did was nod his head & not say anything, no comments, no critiques, nothin…at one point I respected & regarded him as a fellow artist…because at one point in his life, he was…
I partially feel obligated to stay here because his mom bought the house for us after we got robbed in milwaukee, &, if it weren’t for me & him having jobs, the bank wouldn’t have even given momz the loan to be able to buy the house. I’m concerned that when I move out…which, I want to be at the latest be the end of april….that A) I’ll have a job/keep my job…B) that he doesn’t pull any bullshit with me moving out C) that I don’t burn any bridges, but I’m assuming he’ll never want to see me/hang out again…as, knowing him, he’ll view it as me ditching & leaving him so why should he care…but ultimately, I feel like I won’t be able to see my goddaughter anymore…it’d be a real shame if I didn’t, but I can’t base my life on someone elses’ child, as much as I love that little girl…
I’m worried that when I tell him I’m moving out, I’ll just be told to pack my shit & leave…or that he’ll pack it for me when I’m off doing whatever…which, is why I’m making sure I can transfer to a store in milwaukee before I even bring it up to him…also, I’m sure he’ll see that as me going behind his back & thus a stab in the back…oh well…
What I’m looking forward to…
Being back in milwaukee & being closer to my friends & family (yes, this includes you, Zuko & Trevor). Being back with my father (where I’m moving to). Yea, I know, I feel odd being almost 27 & moving back in with my father, but, it’s to help him, both him personally, & him with our house. I’m looking forward to being back on the eastside, home….near my woods where I can run off into whenever I choose…back to where there’s shit to do….ok, well, more shit to do than out here, lol. I;m looking forward to having a dog again…something I haven’t been able to have since Tim hates dogs & thinks they’re all dumb…I’m also looking forward to the prospects of change in changing my environment…I’ve just felt trapped here & trapped by him. Maybe if I can get Saturday nights off again I’ll go back & do rocky again…or something involving old friends…I want to do something…anything, I’m just tired of being trapped by these four walls…
I’d love to get/find a new job that I actually liked…I know hating your job is fairly healthy…it’s work & something we HAVE to do…so it’s understandable if it’s not enjoyable, but, I’ve begun to loathe my job…I realize that, that is not something healthy.
I’m looking forward to the relief of tension & stress in my life…had I a car, I would have left by now…I had wanted to have one before I left, but, I got lazy & I just don’t see it happening by the time I need to be out in order to save myself & what sanity I have left (yea, I know, “what’s that?” lol). I’ve felt bad, recently about all my stress because I’ve felt that it’s put a strain on mine & my gf’s lives. ..i know, we’re still in the early stages of our relationship of even figuring each other out…but I still feel that it hasn’t helped us, especially if I can’t, or haven’t been able to help myself.
I feel bad for those I'm leaving behind, to deal with Tim...my store director, paul, nate...a few other people...but I need to take care of me, first & foremost...
I’ll be home, soon…I just can’t give up now. I can’t stop pushing myself forward, onward & out of here.
Part 2
So, today I’ve been in a bit of a funk…my mind & dreams were cruel to me last night as I was drifting off…I dreamt of my dog molly. She passed away/was put down almost 6 years ago…in the dream, I was introducing her to my gf, Elene. But I was also talking to her, about how keeping my promise of coming home…in that was the implication of returning to her & taking care of my father. In the dream I knew she wasn’t alive, I knew it was a dream…I started crying, in the dream & as I ‘slept’….i woke up in the middle of said dream & just started crying.
I know, to some, I may be silly & that 6 yrs of mourning is too long, especially over a dog…but to me, she was more than that, all animals mean more to me than humans…I’m sorry if that offends you, but it’s true. She was always there for me, & me for her. She taught me many things, like how to care for others…I had an emotional childhood, as I’m having an emotional adulthood…but any time I’d be in the house, crying, she’d slink in, not knowing what to do to help, but lay there beside me & let me cry into her…for many, many years, she was the only friend I had. I feel & felt horrible for leaving her when shit got bad with my father…I felt bad that, at the end of her life, I wasn’t there…I still regret not seeing her as much as I should have.
I’m eternally grateful to my godmother & godfather for taking her in when my father wasn’t ok…so we didn’t have to put her down then…
I made sure to see her the day before they put her down…she hadn’t moved in over 16hrs, from where she lay…but when I walked in the room, though she couldn’t see me, she immediately started to move, she knew who was there..i sat with her a long time, cried my eyes out & spent her last few moments with her…my aunt took pictures of us, which, my father can’t bring himself to look at because they make him cry.
A part of me feels dumb for being this heart-stricken this many years later over her…for all that I preach, that one should celebrate the life & not mourn the death, I’m just not over it & probably never will be…I’ve tried, really I have, the day she died, a part of me did as well.
As much as I believe in reincarnation, I know I won’t see her again until it’s my time to pass on…I know that where ever she is, she’s waiting, patiently, for me…that’s just the kind of soul she is. Some of the times when my father was over at my godparents’ he’d look at her & ask her “where’s joe?” & she’d go tearing through the house looking for me…it was cruel to her, I know…because I wasn’t there…but, its comforting, to me, that she knew my name…in my last few moments of our time together, she laid back down, &, as her head hit my leg, all I heard in the back of my mind was “my joe.” …that moment is immortalized in my mind…& makes me cry anytime I think about it…
Last night, I just wanted work to be over to I could curl up in bed & end the day…it was a struggle to not break down at work, it’s been a struggle to not breakdown as I write this…
I hate whenever my time with anyone, or anything Im deeply connected to comes to an end…even if only momentarily. I get way too attatched to people & things…& fear the loss..why I distance myself from people at times. I still hurt from those I’ve hurt years ago, relationships that failed & ended, years ago…
Much of me is a deep, emotional wreck…& I don’t know how to deal with it…but at least I know myself well enough to know I am the wreck that I am….
I'm no where near done, nor is this through enough about what all's been happening, both recently & in the past, but for now, emotionally, I'm drained & thus just done....
all i ask, is that if you don't have an lj & have a comment to leave, please, leave it, just leave your name as well so i know who to respond to, or send me a FB message...whichever works for you.
Anyways…
A few people have asked how I’m doing/how I’ve been lately & I figured I’d just address it en masse…truthfully? I’m not ‘ok’ & haven’t been for quite some time now…the work/home stress has just been too much for me to handle. & I’ve needed to change something about it…I knew the solution, but, as we all know, I’m a horrible procrastinator & only hurt myself in said procrastination…
To digress
For the few who, may be reading this, & don’t know, I live & work with my manager at work. At one point I’d have called him my ‘brother’ but it doesn’t even seem like we’re friends anymore. We talk, laugh, go about the daily routine as normal…but things have changed, & so has he. To look at it outwardly, he may say I’ve changed as well….but, this is about me, fuck him.
I feel & have felt like a tool of his. Many of those at work & at home have noticed that he keeps only those around him that he can use & manipulate to his own ends. He uses me at work to cover days when he wants off, to keep his ‘routine’ while screwing with everyone elses’ & uses phrases like “but it’s what the business needs” to justify how he does things. I originally took the “lead” position to cover ordering so he could have Saturday nights off, I didn’t do it for me, or my own advancement in the company (since, for myself it’s always been easier & leaves me with a sense of satisfaction when I do things for others & not myself)…no, I was happy being “just a stocker”
…I’m just tired of the feeling of being walked over…I have problems being assertive & standing up for myself. With & for others I do just fine with….but not for me, no, never me….as harsh as it was hearing it, my gf is right…I’m almost 27 & its time I grow a pair….oh, it truly was harsh to hear it & it did sting, but, I know I needed to hear it. I know it needs to happen. I’ve always been more of a “go with the flow” easy going kind of person. I’ll admit, I have my passive aggressive moments, but I also don’t always know how to deal with issues…at times I feel whiney, or selfish, so I just keep my mouth shut & try to examine it within myself…I fear upsetting people, always have…at times I feel I care too much for others & not myself…
For the past few years we, he & I, haven’t done nearly as much as we used to together. (yea, I know, even my father chuckles & says that this sounds like a marriage gone down hill, lol, it kinda is…just keep reading) it used to be a kinship, a brotherhood. We’d walk the woods, talk about every & anything…we’d buy ganja together & enjoy. For the last two years of our smoking (I quit recently, not because I WANTED to, but because of finances & it just being a good idea) I was the one buying & looking for & going & getting…he just got to enjoy my generosity with it. Since Ren Faire last year, I basically stopped sharing with him because I was the only one putting my $$ towards it. ..i think my stopping being so generous pissed him off, he never said it, but I didn’t care, it was my money, my time spent getting/finding it, so IT was MINE.
I’m tired of being his stress doll…my breaking point was last week at work. Someone “no-called no-showed” or so he was told…he was fucked that night & barely anything got done (I was off). The next night, he went in HELLBENT on suspending the guy, at the very least, written up. When he talked to the manager, he found out that the store director ok’d this guy not coming in…he was beyond livid at hearing that. & proceeded to take it out on everyone on the crew that night. Which, to me, is just bad managing…not only did I have to deal with that at work, but at home as well…I was just done. I’m tired of being threatened with a write up because he’s pissed at someone else & all of a sudden my production just isn’t good enough to satisfy him.
Aside from that, he’ll yell/scold me about something on two different days…take this & last night for example. I unloaded a truck & just dropped the dairy pallets in the cooler where ever. Got yelled at saying they needed to be put in there neatly so we can “pick & choose” what to do when we get there…we didn’t even get to that load Sunday night…regardless, last night, he stops me from what I’m doing, pulls me half way across the store to show me & explain AGAIN what he did the night before, just so I was clear…that’s fucking demeaning & a waste of time.
All we ever talk about anymore, at home or at work to pass the time, is whatever he’s doing. If he’s playing WoW that’s all he talks about, right now, it’s D&D because he’s preparing a character for a friend of our’s game…which, before he switched my nights off, I mentioned “hey, I want to play, I think it’s going to be fun”….then he switched the shit around….& to even get him to play, our mutual friend switched his WHOLE game around & the original restrictions he was going to place on it just to get him to play…again, unless it’s done his way, or sounds appealing to him, he won’t ever go with it….
I’ll show him a miniature that I’m working on & he’ll just be like “I’ll see it when it’s done” & when I do finish it, like Casey’s mini (which, I was REALLY proud of) all he did was nod his head & not say anything, no comments, no critiques, nothin…at one point I respected & regarded him as a fellow artist…because at one point in his life, he was…
I partially feel obligated to stay here because his mom bought the house for us after we got robbed in milwaukee, &, if it weren’t for me & him having jobs, the bank wouldn’t have even given momz the loan to be able to buy the house. I’m concerned that when I move out…which, I want to be at the latest be the end of april….that A) I’ll have a job/keep my job…B) that he doesn’t pull any bullshit with me moving out C) that I don’t burn any bridges, but I’m assuming he’ll never want to see me/hang out again…as, knowing him, he’ll view it as me ditching & leaving him so why should he care…but ultimately, I feel like I won’t be able to see my goddaughter anymore…it’d be a real shame if I didn’t, but I can’t base my life on someone elses’ child, as much as I love that little girl…
I’m worried that when I tell him I’m moving out, I’ll just be told to pack my shit & leave…or that he’ll pack it for me when I’m off doing whatever…which, is why I’m making sure I can transfer to a store in milwaukee before I even bring it up to him…also, I’m sure he’ll see that as me going behind his back & thus a stab in the back…oh well…
What I’m looking forward to…
Being back in milwaukee & being closer to my friends & family (yes, this includes you, Zuko & Trevor). Being back with my father (where I’m moving to). Yea, I know, I feel odd being almost 27 & moving back in with my father, but, it’s to help him, both him personally, & him with our house. I’m looking forward to being back on the eastside, home….near my woods where I can run off into whenever I choose…back to where there’s shit to do….ok, well, more shit to do than out here, lol. I;m looking forward to having a dog again…something I haven’t been able to have since Tim hates dogs & thinks they’re all dumb…I’m also looking forward to the prospects of change in changing my environment…I’ve just felt trapped here & trapped by him. Maybe if I can get Saturday nights off again I’ll go back & do rocky again…or something involving old friends…I want to do something…anything, I’m just tired of being trapped by these four walls…
I’d love to get/find a new job that I actually liked…I know hating your job is fairly healthy…it’s work & something we HAVE to do…so it’s understandable if it’s not enjoyable, but, I’ve begun to loathe my job…I realize that, that is not something healthy.
I’m looking forward to the relief of tension & stress in my life…had I a car, I would have left by now…I had wanted to have one before I left, but, I got lazy & I just don’t see it happening by the time I need to be out in order to save myself & what sanity I have left (yea, I know, “what’s that?” lol). I’ve felt bad, recently about all my stress because I’ve felt that it’s put a strain on mine & my gf’s lives. ..i know, we’re still in the early stages of our relationship of even figuring each other out…but I still feel that it hasn’t helped us, especially if I can’t, or haven’t been able to help myself.
I feel bad for those I'm leaving behind, to deal with Tim...my store director, paul, nate...a few other people...but I need to take care of me, first & foremost...
I’ll be home, soon…I just can’t give up now. I can’t stop pushing myself forward, onward & out of here.
Part 2
So, today I’ve been in a bit of a funk…my mind & dreams were cruel to me last night as I was drifting off…I dreamt of my dog molly. She passed away/was put down almost 6 years ago…in the dream, I was introducing her to my gf, Elene. But I was also talking to her, about how keeping my promise of coming home…in that was the implication of returning to her & taking care of my father. In the dream I knew she wasn’t alive, I knew it was a dream…I started crying, in the dream & as I ‘slept’….i woke up in the middle of said dream & just started crying.
I know, to some, I may be silly & that 6 yrs of mourning is too long, especially over a dog…but to me, she was more than that, all animals mean more to me than humans…I’m sorry if that offends you, but it’s true. She was always there for me, & me for her. She taught me many things, like how to care for others…I had an emotional childhood, as I’m having an emotional adulthood…but any time I’d be in the house, crying, she’d slink in, not knowing what to do to help, but lay there beside me & let me cry into her…for many, many years, she was the only friend I had. I feel & felt horrible for leaving her when shit got bad with my father…I felt bad that, at the end of her life, I wasn’t there…I still regret not seeing her as much as I should have.
I’m eternally grateful to my godmother & godfather for taking her in when my father wasn’t ok…so we didn’t have to put her down then…
I made sure to see her the day before they put her down…she hadn’t moved in over 16hrs, from where she lay…but when I walked in the room, though she couldn’t see me, she immediately started to move, she knew who was there..i sat with her a long time, cried my eyes out & spent her last few moments with her…my aunt took pictures of us, which, my father can’t bring himself to look at because they make him cry.
A part of me feels dumb for being this heart-stricken this many years later over her…for all that I preach, that one should celebrate the life & not mourn the death, I’m just not over it & probably never will be…I’ve tried, really I have, the day she died, a part of me did as well.
As much as I believe in reincarnation, I know I won’t see her again until it’s my time to pass on…I know that where ever she is, she’s waiting, patiently, for me…that’s just the kind of soul she is. Some of the times when my father was over at my godparents’ he’d look at her & ask her “where’s joe?” & she’d go tearing through the house looking for me…it was cruel to her, I know…because I wasn’t there…but, its comforting, to me, that she knew my name…in my last few moments of our time together, she laid back down, &, as her head hit my leg, all I heard in the back of my mind was “my joe.” …that moment is immortalized in my mind…& makes me cry anytime I think about it…
Last night, I just wanted work to be over to I could curl up in bed & end the day…it was a struggle to not break down at work, it’s been a struggle to not breakdown as I write this…
I hate whenever my time with anyone, or anything Im deeply connected to comes to an end…even if only momentarily. I get way too attatched to people & things…& fear the loss..why I distance myself from people at times. I still hurt from those I’ve hurt years ago, relationships that failed & ended, years ago…
Much of me is a deep, emotional wreck…& I don’t know how to deal with it…but at least I know myself well enough to know I am the wreck that I am….
I'm no where near done, nor is this through enough about what all's been happening, both recently & in the past, but for now, emotionally, I'm drained & thus just done....
all i ask, is that if you don't have an lj & have a comment to leave, please, leave it, just leave your name as well so i know who to respond to, or send me a FB message...whichever works for you.