somedays....
somedays, i just want to be weak and ignorant,
somedays i just want to run and hide,
somedays i just want to ignore the problem and be ignored,
somedays i feel like balling up and crying,
somedays i just want to lay down and disappear...
today is one of those days....
shit hit the fan, years ago and i've been successful at ignorning it till now....till i realized how much of my mother's norms i've aquired over the years.....the shared, learned behaviors of "shut-up and the problem will just fix itself" ....those days are over, they're over because they need to be. i need to fix me, i need to be better...it doesnt stop the want to run, it doesnt stop the fear of feeling overwhelmed and like something larger than me, from a MUCH bigger ocean is going to eat me whole and shit me out....
i've dealt with a lot already of repairing myself....my problems are my own, i dont want to push any of them off, or seem like i am, on anyone else...it's taken me years already to admit even this much and what i've posted previously....in this year at least....i dealt with alot this past week...i dealt with myself, and i dealt with finding out truly how much its going to cost to fix the problem....its around what i thought, this hinders my ability to afford a car, but, with what i began today, it won't hinder my learning, or the ability to learn to drive....
everytime i sit in that chair, i feel like a caged animal, cornered and trapped.....even being in that office with those smells and sounds....
i truly do hate the dentistry profession....but i need to deal with it so i can get better and live my life, for me.
i'm asking for no help, aside from a ride...if needed, but all i am asking for is maybe a little more affection.....i have some vacation time coming up, and i'd like to see people, but i also dont want to waste the money my insurance covers before the end of the year....
there's a lot of work to be done ahead of me, and it has yet to even begin, but, with one small step a single li will be journeyed, i just want to get it over, but not go through it....
i will face my fears, and i will let them pass through me.
somedays i just want to run and hide,
somedays i just want to ignore the problem and be ignored,
somedays i feel like balling up and crying,
somedays i just want to lay down and disappear...
today is one of those days....
shit hit the fan, years ago and i've been successful at ignorning it till now....till i realized how much of my mother's norms i've aquired over the years.....the shared, learned behaviors of "shut-up and the problem will just fix itself" ....those days are over, they're over because they need to be. i need to fix me, i need to be better...it doesnt stop the want to run, it doesnt stop the fear of feeling overwhelmed and like something larger than me, from a MUCH bigger ocean is going to eat me whole and shit me out....
i've dealt with a lot already of repairing myself....my problems are my own, i dont want to push any of them off, or seem like i am, on anyone else...it's taken me years already to admit even this much and what i've posted previously....in this year at least....i dealt with alot this past week...i dealt with myself, and i dealt with finding out truly how much its going to cost to fix the problem....its around what i thought, this hinders my ability to afford a car, but, with what i began today, it won't hinder my learning, or the ability to learn to drive....
everytime i sit in that chair, i feel like a caged animal, cornered and trapped.....even being in that office with those smells and sounds....
i truly do hate the dentistry profession....but i need to deal with it so i can get better and live my life, for me.
i'm asking for no help, aside from a ride...if needed, but all i am asking for is maybe a little more affection.....i have some vacation time coming up, and i'd like to see people, but i also dont want to waste the money my insurance covers before the end of the year....
there's a lot of work to be done ahead of me, and it has yet to even begin, but, with one small step a single li will be journeyed, i just want to get it over, but not go through it....
i will face my fears, and i will let them pass through me.