Fog
I wish my heart would do something other than wince & mourn. I can't remember the last i felt like myself.
Santos told me he hasn't been able to trust this, let go & love fully because he's worried about the reasons i'm holding on: fear, spite, possessiveness. This is what my love thinks of my heart. The familiar feelings i'm trying to boldface ignore. Yes, i'm scared. Any of those things could be true, but why would i ever love again if i'm going to love like that?
It feels like my only topic. Heartbreak. sighs. work. Struggling to stay on my best behavior.
Yesterday worldly obligations threw us so many obstacles. I just wanted the day with him to enjoy the respite from the vicious weather, a day to find our ease. i want you to beat me, then i want to take a walk & have a smoke then pass out. We struggled to match up our energies all day. sigh. we struggled all day.
when he finally had leather in his hands, he was half-absent & brought me quickly to my knees. i had to sink before i sobbed & when we traded i hit him carefully, but didn't feel any story in his response. it was automatic & made me sad. i tried to turn the leaf to something loving, but he literally took the reins from my hands & put them down. He's with alex tonight & i'm feeling more defeated than bitter.
i'm listening to the queer <3-ache mix that Dana made.
part of me thinks if we just make it to summer we'll be able to feel right again; i want to trust love in this instance.
is this thing with alex going to rip me every time? there never feels a right or happy time for it. i want them to break up in a way that has nothing to do with me & how can i wish them unhappiness? Citing irreconcilable differences... something about a catch 22 with trust chasing forgiveness round a rusty rail. the blue hanky in my hand to wipe his tears i-i can't...
Santos told me he hasn't been able to trust this, let go & love fully because he's worried about the reasons i'm holding on: fear, spite, possessiveness. This is what my love thinks of my heart. The familiar feelings i'm trying to boldface ignore. Yes, i'm scared. Any of those things could be true, but why would i ever love again if i'm going to love like that?
It feels like my only topic. Heartbreak. sighs. work. Struggling to stay on my best behavior.
Yesterday worldly obligations threw us so many obstacles. I just wanted the day with him to enjoy the respite from the vicious weather, a day to find our ease. i want you to beat me, then i want to take a walk & have a smoke then pass out. We struggled to match up our energies all day. sigh. we struggled all day.
when he finally had leather in his hands, he was half-absent & brought me quickly to my knees. i had to sink before i sobbed & when we traded i hit him carefully, but didn't feel any story in his response. it was automatic & made me sad. i tried to turn the leaf to something loving, but he literally took the reins from my hands & put them down. He's with alex tonight & i'm feeling more defeated than bitter.
i'm listening to the queer <3-ache mix that Dana made.
part of me thinks if we just make it to summer we'll be able to feel right again; i want to trust love in this instance.
is this thing with alex going to rip me every time? there never feels a right or happy time for it. i want them to break up in a way that has nothing to do with me & how can i wish them unhappiness? Citing irreconcilable differences... something about a catch 22 with trust chasing forgiveness round a rusty rail. the blue hanky in my hand to wipe his tears i-i can't...