This non-zen life

Sep 10, 2006 18:00



Man, my "zen" moment the other day was lovely and wonderful but VERY SHORT LIVED. I'm not a zen kind of person, and I sure as hell do not lead a zen kind of life. In fact, there has been turbulence in pretty much every section of my life since that deceptively peaceful clarity on Tuesday. I mean it's *mostly* good and exciting stuff, but sheeeeesh no peace for me right now as far as classes or my future or my major or my friends or boys are concerned.

I climbed a mountain today. Mount Nittany, and we had to hike through suburban State College and Lamar to get there, I found that tiring enough. Boys. Need to, um, not hold my hand as we're crossing 322 heading towards the foot of the mountain, it's a nature hike. And not bother trying to be affectionate at the top after I've just overexerted myself climbing a freaking mountain, I feel disgusting and exhausted and I'd just like to enjoy the view that I just hiked to the top of a mountain to see and stop please thank.you.very.much. I am sssooooo greatful to one of my best friends for coming along, I don't know what I'd do without her. I am a loser and I need to learn how to handle these situations.

I can schedule my classes now, and I'm super-confused. My dad is AMAZING for being so supportive of me having an education, and not just rushing to get a degree. It's kinda sickening that his yearly tuition at Brooklyn College cost less than my TEXTBOOKS for first semester freshman year. That is so disgusting, I pray for the unlikely return of inexpensive public education. Le sigh.

So I'm trying to get over flower-buying south-shore guy, but he has this horrible tendency to re-catapult himself into my life without necessarily being sure he wants to stay there, or stay away. I had accepted the end of a tumultuous relationship with someone I definitely should have hated, and then he just haaaaad to come screaming out of the past tense and into the present. And then not know what he wants. He needs to make up his mind, this is totally not cool.

Speaking of not cool, what the heck is wrong with me? I'm capable of being amazingly fond of someone I should hate, and then along comes someone I think is really cool and nice and my type and . . . as much as I try, I just can't. Even if I'm single, I still have some unresolved emotional loose ends and I definitely need to NOT get myself into any sort of serious relationship for a looooong time. I'm not looking forward to the necessary explanation of that to this new guy. Le sigh encore. He's such a cool person but . . . this just isn't going to work out as anything serious. How do I get myself into these uncomfortable situations? Why do some people not understand the concept of casual dating? Grrrr. This is too serious for me already.

And then somehow in the friends department I manage to fuck myself over when I attempt to stick up for people. Such is life sometimes, I suppose. I feel like I don't deserve to have someone who I thought was a really cool, really funny, really interesting person suddenly be uber-annoyed at me for nudging him about something. About something that I genuinely thought was an instance of some of my other friends being unknowingly wronged behind their backs. I tried to handle it without stepping on any toes and without hurting anyone's feelings, and somehow it minorly exploded in my face.
The funny part is that the people I was sticking up for have no idea that I kinda screwed things up with one of my other friends for their sake. They don't even know I was trying to stick up for them because they don't even know there was ever a problem. Arg. Why can't people respect a girl for being defensive of her friends? :-(

Haha, and my roommate just made fun of me for all my boy issues. I'm glad I'm amusing someone. Because since my last entry, there have been at least three distinct guys giving me three distinct problems. Past, present, and future problems. Excellent. I think I'm just gonna forget them and do math homework. That sounds good to me. Whatever, this makes up for high school, right?

And on a happier note, here's to friends that DON'T suck. Because luckily they outweigh the ones that decide to not like me anymore for DUMB REASONS. My friend that was basically my hiking moral support today is one of my favorite people, and she's one of those friends who's starting to feel like a sister. Last night she borrowed one of my shirts, and she's lent me clothes in the past and its just fun having someone to trade everything from clothes to stories with, and to have someone who's always up for random adventures (like . . . mountain climbing.) I have a few close friends that are like the siblings I never had, and it's cool that I'm finally starting to feel that close to people here (well, some of them).

Anyway, life is mostly good with its ups and downs and twists and turns and excitments and let-downs and yeah, pretty interesting right now. Although definitely not peaceful. Ah well.

Long Island loves, I miss you and I hope all is wonderful wherever you all may be. Keep in touch once in a while? Thanks again for an amazing summer.

It is hardcore multivariable calculus, vector analysis, partial/ordinary differential equations, electricity, and magnetism time for me. I love being a nerd :-)

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