check the profile, it shifts like sundials.
i haven't felt like doing anything in a while. and here in this new apartment when i don't have/want anything to do I just end up sitting here staring at my computer. and when the pages i've been frequenting lately begin to stay the same no matter how many times i refresh, i just kind of zone out and start thinking. and as a chronic over-thinker this starts as annoyance and graduates quickly to frustrated anger. add to that what i can only assume was the expected crushing wave of depression and loneliness crashing down on me as i spend more and more nights alone, beginning to realize the reality i now live in. loving having my friends around, hating just about everything else though. i'm just not in a good mental/psychological/emotional place right now. of course in time it will pass, but for now i am in a pretty constant state of feeling like absolute shit. i just sit here every night listening to music because tv gives me measurable blocks to count time with. I just sit here until i cant keep my eyes open anymore, so i don't have to lie in bed awake and thinking. grab a few hours of sleep, work, come home, do it again.
hurry the fuck up and be over with, you stupid emotional aftershock.
i want to get back to not being a depressed motherfuckin' loser.
this is where i say that everything's ok, that i'm doin' fine, that everything is lookin' up, that yeah, i'm fine, seriously. this is where i say i don't really want to talk about it, this is where i say i'm happy and less-stressed.
yeah fuckin' right. different stress, different anger and pain. the type of stuff i haven't dealt with in 6ish years. god i barely remember that long ago, seems like some other life at this point. i always had some new relationship or crush or something back then, in a period of my lovelife which is only recognizable to me now as 'pre-sarah', it all blurs together after so much time. now i'm entering this new and terrifying 'post-sarah' state, and i think i'm pretty accurately feeling that nothing in my life will really be the same from here on out.
i've been engaged, i've been absolutely sure i wanted to spend my life with someone, and then i watched that erode and slip away from me; it's terrifying. i spent all of my pre-sarah social years imagining myself this hopeless romantic who longed for nothing in the world more than a committed long-term relationship, and now i can't see things the same way anymore. post-sarah richie is a bit more cynical, a bit less optimistic (though that still leaves me more optimistic than almost anyone i know), a lil bit too rational now in matters i used to gauge by emotion alone pre-sarah. i'm this totally different person it seems, someone i don't know well enough yet to know if i even like. i sat stagnant so long with sarah, i feel like i've half-rotted away my heart, not sure if it can feel the same things. it's so confusing.
here's to drowning myself in sleep deprivation instead of alcohol.
hurry the fuck up and be over with, you stupid emotional aftershock.
i want to get back to not being a depressed motherfuckin' loser.
this is where i say that everything's ok, that i'm doin' fine, that everything is lookin' up, that yeah, i'm fine, seriously. this is where i say i don't really want to talk about it, this is where i say i'm happy and less-stressed.
yeah fuckin' right. different stress, different anger and pain. the type of stuff i haven't dealt with in 6ish years. god i barely remember that long ago, seems like some other life at this point. i always had some new relationship or crush or something back then, in a period of my lovelife which is only recognizable to me now as 'pre-sarah', it all blurs together after so much time. now i'm entering this new and terrifying 'post-sarah' state, and i think i'm pretty accurately feeling that nothing in my life will really be the same from here on out.
i've been engaged, i've been absolutely sure i wanted to spend my life with someone, and then i watched that erode and slip away from me; it's terrifying. i spent all of my pre-sarah social years imagining myself this hopeless romantic who longed for nothing in the world more than a committed long-term relationship, and now i can't see things the same way anymore. post-sarah richie is a bit more cynical, a bit less optimistic (though that still leaves me more optimistic than almost anyone i know), a lil bit too rational now in matters i used to gauge by emotion alone pre-sarah. i'm this totally different person it seems, someone i don't know well enough yet to know if i even like. i sat stagnant so long with sarah, i feel like i've half-rotted away my heart, not sure if it can feel the same things. it's so confusing.
here's to drowning myself in sleep deprivation instead of alcohol.