Will
It's kind of felt like one of those days that just gets lost to apathy.
Like no one really cared about today. It wasted away from start to finish. And despite anyone's feigned attempt at starting to care, it never happened.
I feel really off today. I felt excellent two days ago. I was fine yesterday. I'm just off. I got slapped in the face last night with what folks in these parts call 'the future.'
I don't really want to think about it too much. It feels like everyone is hitting that wall right now. Making plans as nicole put it. It's hard to make plans. You never really want to make plans unless you're in a good situation to make plans you won't break. And right now, i'm all about being able to break plans. So why make them? Is there a clear point where you can just lay it all out and admit that making a plan, even an uneasy one, is going to be more beneficial than waiting for a surer thing to come along.
Maybe I've been wrong all these years, cause really how far have i gotten? Maybe you do make plans. Maybe you ought to, or else you'll never get anything done. These aren't little plans, these are big plans. Maybe i should have been following desires and interests further. Maybe i should have been fighting for things, instead of letting them fight over me. Maybe there comes a point where too much reaction leads to innaction.
Then the question raised is: which compromises are acceptable and which am i not going to be able to deal with? To make a plan is to forego another. To take one fork is to deny the other. Who am i? Can i make it through without a significant compromise? That's doesn't even seem like something possible when looking at it from a far away view, yet that's what i've been striving for my entire life. Conflict and compromising outcomes are my least favorite things. But how long can i go on working around that?
I feel foolish now. What have i missed out on through my lack of commitment. But then again, i look at all of the things i could have committed to that have gone wrong. I feel reassured, but also nagged by the thought "Had i committed, would things have turned out the way they did?" It doesn't matter now, the things in my past, but it is worth thinking about in regards to decisions i'm going to make in my very near future.
This is worth fighting for. I know that. But it's going to mean a lot of me. And i'm still unsure if i'm ok with that. Will it all be worth it in 5, 10, 50 years? I want to think so. I haven't been like this ever.
I was a wreck when i found out the truth about love. I resented a lot of things, and shut down. And now it seems like my time off was worth it. Teaching my lessons to myself. The student master becoming the master student. I feel like myself again for the first time. I've somehow found restraint. I've lost the bitter edge. I'm not the same as i was 7 years ago, and that's not something i'll ever be again. But i'm as close to my most basic self as i have ever been in a long time. It took realising and accepting how certain things were. I moved on faster than i should have, And i never got over some things that just take time. Time takes time, you know. I have regret, i know that now, but still not a strong enough desire to gamble on change.
It's all just a big mess of life, my life is. A lot of things i thought i don't think anymore. I love my life. I love the people in my life. It's still a hard thing, and i'm certainly not some dopey romantic.
But i've re-acquainted myself to loving, and life seems to have come with it. Now i'm finally ready to work. I need to find the Power.
Passion.
I have love.
Like no one really cared about today. It wasted away from start to finish. And despite anyone's feigned attempt at starting to care, it never happened.
I feel really off today. I felt excellent two days ago. I was fine yesterday. I'm just off. I got slapped in the face last night with what folks in these parts call 'the future.'
I don't really want to think about it too much. It feels like everyone is hitting that wall right now. Making plans as nicole put it. It's hard to make plans. You never really want to make plans unless you're in a good situation to make plans you won't break. And right now, i'm all about being able to break plans. So why make them? Is there a clear point where you can just lay it all out and admit that making a plan, even an uneasy one, is going to be more beneficial than waiting for a surer thing to come along.
Maybe I've been wrong all these years, cause really how far have i gotten? Maybe you do make plans. Maybe you ought to, or else you'll never get anything done. These aren't little plans, these are big plans. Maybe i should have been following desires and interests further. Maybe i should have been fighting for things, instead of letting them fight over me. Maybe there comes a point where too much reaction leads to innaction.
Then the question raised is: which compromises are acceptable and which am i not going to be able to deal with? To make a plan is to forego another. To take one fork is to deny the other. Who am i? Can i make it through without a significant compromise? That's doesn't even seem like something possible when looking at it from a far away view, yet that's what i've been striving for my entire life. Conflict and compromising outcomes are my least favorite things. But how long can i go on working around that?
I feel foolish now. What have i missed out on through my lack of commitment. But then again, i look at all of the things i could have committed to that have gone wrong. I feel reassured, but also nagged by the thought "Had i committed, would things have turned out the way they did?" It doesn't matter now, the things in my past, but it is worth thinking about in regards to decisions i'm going to make in my very near future.
This is worth fighting for. I know that. But it's going to mean a lot of me. And i'm still unsure if i'm ok with that. Will it all be worth it in 5, 10, 50 years? I want to think so. I haven't been like this ever.
I was a wreck when i found out the truth about love. I resented a lot of things, and shut down. And now it seems like my time off was worth it. Teaching my lessons to myself. The student master becoming the master student. I feel like myself again for the first time. I've somehow found restraint. I've lost the bitter edge. I'm not the same as i was 7 years ago, and that's not something i'll ever be again. But i'm as close to my most basic self as i have ever been in a long time. It took realising and accepting how certain things were. I moved on faster than i should have, And i never got over some things that just take time. Time takes time, you know. I have regret, i know that now, but still not a strong enough desire to gamble on change.
It's all just a big mess of life, my life is. A lot of things i thought i don't think anymore. I love my life. I love the people in my life. It's still a hard thing, and i'm certainly not some dopey romantic.
But i've re-acquainted myself to loving, and life seems to have come with it. Now i'm finally ready to work. I need to find the Power.
Passion.
I have love.