Angel's Creed, four
Chapter four, in which half the chapter is told from Oriole's POV and I had to completely re-write all of his narration because it sounded way too complex for a 10yo POV. 8,351 words.
FEEDBACK IS AWESOME. I would like to know ( Read more... )
FEEDBACK IS AWESOME. I would like to know ( Read more... )
Comments 12
He figured shouldn't ask. <-- Seems off somehow, almost unnecessary. maybe merge it to the previous line? "Why so anxious? He decided not to ask, as it wasn't any of his business."
"Unfortunately, the steam engine was just as unreliable as most experimental goblin technology.
"What." <-- That's not a statement. Sarcasm I think has to be shown through other means in Actual Writing For Books.
Neither Amelia nor Joel seemed to mind. Do we need to know this?
Joel wanted to see if he could find any caravan runners set to leave in the immediate future, because accompanying a caravan would be much safer than the three of them going alone. Amelia insisted that it looked like rain and wouldn't let him leave without bringing his cloak along. He didn't argue. A pause was required for me to parse why he needed a cloak if they were in the inn. The sentence implies he wants to leave later, not right that moment.
The fact that she showed some initiative and asked for help ( ... )
Reply
why would being around another elf make him seem so anxious? He decided not to ask. If prior conversation was any indicator, he wouldn't get an answer anyway.
... XD Slink in writing you are allowed to bend punctuation rules for effect. "What." is perfectly acceptable in Actual Writing For Books.
"Neither Amelia nor Joel seemed to mind. Do we need to know this?"
It's there to tell you that nobody put up an argument about it, ie to explain that I don't need to add anything else to that segment of the scene to complete it.
"Amelia insisted that it looked like rain and wouldn't let him leave without bringing his cloak along."
If you re-read it, it says she "wouldn't let him leave" without bringing it, which implies that he's leaving and being told he has to bring his cloak with him when he does.
The fact that she showed some initiative and asked for help, not in getting something done but in learning how to do it herself Comma added
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
But now I'll have to up the number to FOUR when I reference my readers!
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment