(no subject)
So I've been feeling really weird lately. Just very, not-me. If that makes sense.
I have these moments where I keep stopping what I'm doing and getting lost. Not in a "my mind wanders" sort of way but in a "I almost forget who I am" sort of way.
I mean, I've been blaming it all (and my headaches and insomnia) on being stressed about work. And I suppose I am, relatively. But not in a direct OMGIHAVEANESSAYINFORNEXTWEEK sort of way, but I just feel like I have all these deadlines hanging over me and work for seminars and forms to fill in and jobs to think about and exams and it's just weird.
But I don't think that's it. I worry about work a lot, I always have and that won't change but I know it and since GCSEs I've worked on a system of suppressing it. Not in a bad way, in that I'm bottling it all up, more just pushing it to the back of my mind so it doesn't affect everything. So I know it can't just be that.
And it's not my friends. You're all great and there's a couple who have been having hard times of things lately (<3) but you're strong and I know you can deal and I'd only be worried and stressed if I didn't feel I was fulfilling my duty to you. To be there. But I think I am.
And it's not Louise, because that's all fine, and going great. I'm a little hesitant I suppose and a bit to in-my-head about it but I'm working on that. It's definitely not that.
So I can't work it out.
I don't know. It's like, I read Looking for Alaska and I watched Skins and though they're not milestones of my life or anything and I would never consider offing myself, I'm really starting to recognise that self-destructive thing inside. I can relate.
I watched a youtube video today where John Green was explaining about how he thinks all teenagers have this as an aspect to there psychology and that there's this thing inside that we're all trying to quell and sometimes I do feel like there's something eating me from the inside.
I don't want you to think that I'm depressed or that this is a weird psychosis I'm going through because those of you who know me well enough know that I'm pretty grounded.
I just think there is a chaos inside me sometimes (that sounds...weird). I think it proves itself through little things like how unbelievably untidy my room gets sometimes and how, at the moment, when I'm done with something that isn't breakable I seem to throw it on the floor or across the room.
And I'm trying to be organised and do my work and budget my money and feed myself but I don't think I have enough willpower to control myself too much. It's a weakness, and I know that, and I know it's my fault and maybe I could change it if I wanted it enough. I don't know.
Just, maybe I should go for a run or take a bath or something. Any ideas?
Yeah, sorry about this random rant guys, I sound like a psycho.
♥
So I've been feeling really weird lately. Just very, not-me. If that makes sense.
I have these moments where I keep stopping what I'm doing and getting lost. Not in a "my mind wanders" sort of way but in a "I almost forget who I am" sort of way.
I mean, I've been blaming it all (and my headaches and insomnia) on being stressed about work. And I suppose I am, relatively. But not in a direct OMGIHAVEANESSAYINFORNEXTWEEK sort of way, but I just feel like I have all these deadlines hanging over me and work for seminars and forms to fill in and jobs to think about and exams and it's just weird.
But I don't think that's it. I worry about work a lot, I always have and that won't change but I know it and since GCSEs I've worked on a system of suppressing it. Not in a bad way, in that I'm bottling it all up, more just pushing it to the back of my mind so it doesn't affect everything. So I know it can't just be that.
And it's not my friends. You're all great and there's a couple who have been having hard times of things lately (<3) but you're strong and I know you can deal and I'd only be worried and stressed if I didn't feel I was fulfilling my duty to you. To be there. But I think I am.
And it's not Louise, because that's all fine, and going great. I'm a little hesitant I suppose and a bit to in-my-head about it but I'm working on that. It's definitely not that.
So I can't work it out.
I don't know. It's like, I read Looking for Alaska and I watched Skins and though they're not milestones of my life or anything and I would never consider offing myself, I'm really starting to recognise that self-destructive thing inside. I can relate.
I watched a youtube video today where John Green was explaining about how he thinks all teenagers have this as an aspect to there psychology and that there's this thing inside that we're all trying to quell and sometimes I do feel like there's something eating me from the inside.
I don't want you to think that I'm depressed or that this is a weird psychosis I'm going through because those of you who know me well enough know that I'm pretty grounded.
I just think there is a chaos inside me sometimes (that sounds...weird). I think it proves itself through little things like how unbelievably untidy my room gets sometimes and how, at the moment, when I'm done with something that isn't breakable I seem to throw it on the floor or across the room.
And I'm trying to be organised and do my work and budget my money and feed myself but I don't think I have enough willpower to control myself too much. It's a weakness, and I know that, and I know it's my fault and maybe I could change it if I wanted it enough. I don't know.
Just, maybe I should go for a run or take a bath or something. Any ideas?
Yeah, sorry about this random rant guys, I sound like a psycho.
♥