forgiveness
its a queer thing; possibly the single greatest act of love, yet those who we know the least are the most likely to display it, whereas those who claim familiarity to the pith of our respective entities seem loath to partake.
take alex detzner. what a glorious specimen of humanity; i, being myself (that is, a complete and total asshole), had a class with her first semester of my freshman year. i was, as i am prone to do, an arrogant pseudo-intellectual douchebag, though it was not always intended (i.e., my inability to carry myself properly within the confines of a social situation, cue the clockwork orange discussion) it still led to her thinking of me (as she was right to do) as a terrible human being.
a year passes.
about a month into the school year, amanda, seeking refuge from the tomfoolery of hannah nelson, found her way to the room of alex detnzer in which to spend the night after we had gone on a walk. as i walked her to the door, alex invites me up to viddy some films in the company of herself and her beau. we do so. at length, discussions ensure, words are exchanged, and cheese is given, and it arises the unfortunate discussion of my character as she (alex) has seen it presented by myself within class, the only context in which she has known me. she had every right to think of me as a twat. she had every reason to turn me away at the door. did she?
no. she invite me in with open arms. and gave me cheese. she had no reason to. without an apology (or, rather, before one) she freely gave me absolution for the actions i had taken against her, whether conscious of them or no, and showed my a kindness that is oh too rare these days.
or, if you'd rather, take terri martin. total douchebag though i was to her in focus (again not knowing how to act once placed in a social situation), she has given me total absolution for my actions for absolutely no reason.
indeed, these persons have given me forgiveness in spite of reason; it makes no sense that they have forgiven me for how i have acted, yet they continue to do so.
why?
it might be easier to understand if forgiveness was this prevelant among all persons. either its a testimony to who these people are, that they freely give grace to one such as i, or maybe its easier to forgive someone you dont know.
because a more and more common trend is people that i thought i knew decide that my actions are inexcusable. it seems relatively arbitrary, but once every so often, i am discarded. reasons are sometimes given, and sometimes not...but it begs the question; are these transgression that i have taken against you so heinous as to destroy any hope for restitution? apparently they are...
and maybe youre right in thinking that...maybe im foolish in thinking that sometimes friendship has to be a 2-way street, and maybe thats why you decide to cut me from your life...maybe ive not been there for you, but by God have i tried. dont trust me; thats all your choice. if you want to invent excuses to justify ridding yourself of me, be my guest. its more effort that its worth though; you know just as well as i that its simply an excuse. at least be honest with me and with yourself. did you get tired of me? do you think im a terrible human being? tell me so. do you really think i wont be able to handle the truth?
it just seems strange to me. kindness is repaid with rejection, whereas callous, and downright unkind, actions are met with forgiveness.
maybe its a good thing you left. youre a crappy example of how to live. you run from your problems. you show not mercy, kindess, nor gratitude. you suck the compassion from others, but refuse to pay back in kind. you claim to live a life of virtue, yet scoff at the virtue of others. youre the most arrogant person i know (even more than me, which is saying something) yet claim humility in the name of honesty. you claim wisdom, yet you laud foolishness as truth.
...how can you live with yourself?
take alex detzner. what a glorious specimen of humanity; i, being myself (that is, a complete and total asshole), had a class with her first semester of my freshman year. i was, as i am prone to do, an arrogant pseudo-intellectual douchebag, though it was not always intended (i.e., my inability to carry myself properly within the confines of a social situation, cue the clockwork orange discussion) it still led to her thinking of me (as she was right to do) as a terrible human being.
a year passes.
about a month into the school year, amanda, seeking refuge from the tomfoolery of hannah nelson, found her way to the room of alex detnzer in which to spend the night after we had gone on a walk. as i walked her to the door, alex invites me up to viddy some films in the company of herself and her beau. we do so. at length, discussions ensure, words are exchanged, and cheese is given, and it arises the unfortunate discussion of my character as she (alex) has seen it presented by myself within class, the only context in which she has known me. she had every right to think of me as a twat. she had every reason to turn me away at the door. did she?
no. she invite me in with open arms. and gave me cheese. she had no reason to. without an apology (or, rather, before one) she freely gave me absolution for the actions i had taken against her, whether conscious of them or no, and showed my a kindness that is oh too rare these days.
or, if you'd rather, take terri martin. total douchebag though i was to her in focus (again not knowing how to act once placed in a social situation), she has given me total absolution for my actions for absolutely no reason.
indeed, these persons have given me forgiveness in spite of reason; it makes no sense that they have forgiven me for how i have acted, yet they continue to do so.
why?
it might be easier to understand if forgiveness was this prevelant among all persons. either its a testimony to who these people are, that they freely give grace to one such as i, or maybe its easier to forgive someone you dont know.
because a more and more common trend is people that i thought i knew decide that my actions are inexcusable. it seems relatively arbitrary, but once every so often, i am discarded. reasons are sometimes given, and sometimes not...but it begs the question; are these transgression that i have taken against you so heinous as to destroy any hope for restitution? apparently they are...
and maybe youre right in thinking that...maybe im foolish in thinking that sometimes friendship has to be a 2-way street, and maybe thats why you decide to cut me from your life...maybe ive not been there for you, but by God have i tried. dont trust me; thats all your choice. if you want to invent excuses to justify ridding yourself of me, be my guest. its more effort that its worth though; you know just as well as i that its simply an excuse. at least be honest with me and with yourself. did you get tired of me? do you think im a terrible human being? tell me so. do you really think i wont be able to handle the truth?
it just seems strange to me. kindness is repaid with rejection, whereas callous, and downright unkind, actions are met with forgiveness.
maybe its a good thing you left. youre a crappy example of how to live. you run from your problems. you show not mercy, kindess, nor gratitude. you suck the compassion from others, but refuse to pay back in kind. you claim to live a life of virtue, yet scoff at the virtue of others. youre the most arrogant person i know (even more than me, which is saying something) yet claim humility in the name of honesty. you claim wisdom, yet you laud foolishness as truth.
...how can you live with yourself?