(no subject)
you know...things look alot different from a mile up...
i realized something today.
last year was the exception, not the rule. i had 'friends' in close proximity to me. i was social, and i did things. people liked me. this year is more true to form; i spend most of my time alone, im depressing to talk to, and people realize im an asshole and not worth their time. why they didnt realize it before, i dont know. probably because they were too busy wishing i was better than i was.
let me tell you a secret.
im not. there are very few people in this world who know the real me and still like me. its not like i hide who i am; people just dont want to believe it. "nobody can really be that much of an ass; it must be an act to alienate people because hes scared of being hurt." nope. im not an asshole because im alone; im alone because im an asshole.
almost nobody puts up with me because of who i am once they realize who that person is. stacey is probably the only one at valpo that i can really classify a real friend; she knows who i am. a total asshole. yes, i would bend over backwards so she can be happy...but many times, its me that makes her miserable. why she puts up with me, ill never know. chances are, she'll pull a hannah/roxanne/olivia/etc, but, in retrospect, i cant blame any of those people. the only reason they got rid of me is because they finally realized that who they thought me to be underneath was simply who they wanted me to be. when i no longer fit their mold of an ideal friend, they cut me loose. i dont blame them; i dont need friends like that.
amanda knows who i am, as well...and i suppose its only a matter of time before she makes the same realization that others before her have made.
then there is the glorious Katie Emery. its been nigh on a year and a half since we last had a real katie-micah conversation....and its the only thing i needed to feel...she has changed, and i have changed; but shes still the same person i grew to love like a sister. she was my first true friend, and even now i would trust her with my life and freely give mine for her happiness. what she did for me im sure she doesnt know...but then again, isnt that why true friends are so special?
so, then...where does that leave us?
stop lying to yourself, because neither of us need it. if you dont want to be around me anymore, just tell me. if im not the person you thought i was, thats not my fault. i make not illusions about being a good person. dont make excuses, just tell me flat out; give me that much dignity.
thats not to say i dont miss the people that have given me the boot. make no mistakes, i dont like it when people walk out on me...but i would much rather have people hate me for who i am than love me for who they want me to be.
i first noticed it in olivia...but its a common trend, and it hasnt changed much. stop being the philanthropist and stop trying to get me to change. i hate me, and i hate my life, but its all i know. im not going to step out of who i am for someone who just wants to change me for their own sake. yeah im selfish...but before you want to change me, you have to love me for who i am. thats what katie did. thats what tina did. thats what kait did. thats what susanne did. thats what natasha did. thats what stacey did. they change me because of who they are, not because of who i am.
its queer; God does the same thing. interesting how people say i lie about who i am when i bring up faith...i never claimed to have a strong faith...im one of the weakest people i know...but i try. just because im a kichijiro doesnt mean im faithless; it just means im weak...and i never claimed to be strong...
Thank you, Lord, for the life you've given me. thank you for the people of Pheonix Ascension. thank you for the people who are honest with themselves and with me. it is these people that give me the will to continue in the path i have chosen, and in you whom i find my only strength.
Amen.
and to those of you who think im melodramatic...well, duh...its a blog, what do you expect?
and to those of you who ive hurt, and to those of you who feel i lied to you...when did i claim to be anything but an arrogant prick? ive made mistakes, sure...but ive been honest about that which i think and feel. i may have been wrong, but i have not been a liar.
so you know what? if you dont like me, tell me to get bent, and then fuck off. i dont need your falsehood. ive got suzy, and ive got PA. i have people who i know actually care about me, regardless of who i am. God has given me the support i need to get through this phase of my life, as he has in each past phase, and i trust will continue to do so. i dont need you; i have God.
[God bless Andy Slater]
"It's not the people that matter; you will forget them. It's not the grades that matter; you will take more tests. It's not the work that matters; you will spend the money. What matters is what you learn from each experience you have and each mistake you make. If you don't learn from your mistakes, how will you ever be able to live? Never let your regrets haunt you, but never ignore the regret you feel. Embrace it. Learn from it. Otherwise, your experiences will have been fruitless, and your mistakes worthless."
Andy Slater
"Find something to believe in, and fight for it; but find it for yourself. Fighting was the only thing I was ever good for, but at least I always fought for something I believed in."
Hideo Kojima
this is my story....not yours. you have a choice to make. either you accept who i am and love me regardless, or get bent.
i realized something today.
last year was the exception, not the rule. i had 'friends' in close proximity to me. i was social, and i did things. people liked me. this year is more true to form; i spend most of my time alone, im depressing to talk to, and people realize im an asshole and not worth their time. why they didnt realize it before, i dont know. probably because they were too busy wishing i was better than i was.
let me tell you a secret.
im not. there are very few people in this world who know the real me and still like me. its not like i hide who i am; people just dont want to believe it. "nobody can really be that much of an ass; it must be an act to alienate people because hes scared of being hurt." nope. im not an asshole because im alone; im alone because im an asshole.
almost nobody puts up with me because of who i am once they realize who that person is. stacey is probably the only one at valpo that i can really classify a real friend; she knows who i am. a total asshole. yes, i would bend over backwards so she can be happy...but many times, its me that makes her miserable. why she puts up with me, ill never know. chances are, she'll pull a hannah/roxanne/olivia/etc, but, in retrospect, i cant blame any of those people. the only reason they got rid of me is because they finally realized that who they thought me to be underneath was simply who they wanted me to be. when i no longer fit their mold of an ideal friend, they cut me loose. i dont blame them; i dont need friends like that.
amanda knows who i am, as well...and i suppose its only a matter of time before she makes the same realization that others before her have made.
then there is the glorious Katie Emery. its been nigh on a year and a half since we last had a real katie-micah conversation....and its the only thing i needed to feel...she has changed, and i have changed; but shes still the same person i grew to love like a sister. she was my first true friend, and even now i would trust her with my life and freely give mine for her happiness. what she did for me im sure she doesnt know...but then again, isnt that why true friends are so special?
so, then...where does that leave us?
stop lying to yourself, because neither of us need it. if you dont want to be around me anymore, just tell me. if im not the person you thought i was, thats not my fault. i make not illusions about being a good person. dont make excuses, just tell me flat out; give me that much dignity.
thats not to say i dont miss the people that have given me the boot. make no mistakes, i dont like it when people walk out on me...but i would much rather have people hate me for who i am than love me for who they want me to be.
i first noticed it in olivia...but its a common trend, and it hasnt changed much. stop being the philanthropist and stop trying to get me to change. i hate me, and i hate my life, but its all i know. im not going to step out of who i am for someone who just wants to change me for their own sake. yeah im selfish...but before you want to change me, you have to love me for who i am. thats what katie did. thats what tina did. thats what kait did. thats what susanne did. thats what natasha did. thats what stacey did. they change me because of who they are, not because of who i am.
its queer; God does the same thing. interesting how people say i lie about who i am when i bring up faith...i never claimed to have a strong faith...im one of the weakest people i know...but i try. just because im a kichijiro doesnt mean im faithless; it just means im weak...and i never claimed to be strong...
Thank you, Lord, for the life you've given me. thank you for the people of Pheonix Ascension. thank you for the people who are honest with themselves and with me. it is these people that give me the will to continue in the path i have chosen, and in you whom i find my only strength.
Amen.
and to those of you who think im melodramatic...well, duh...its a blog, what do you expect?
and to those of you who ive hurt, and to those of you who feel i lied to you...when did i claim to be anything but an arrogant prick? ive made mistakes, sure...but ive been honest about that which i think and feel. i may have been wrong, but i have not been a liar.
so you know what? if you dont like me, tell me to get bent, and then fuck off. i dont need your falsehood. ive got suzy, and ive got PA. i have people who i know actually care about me, regardless of who i am. God has given me the support i need to get through this phase of my life, as he has in each past phase, and i trust will continue to do so. i dont need you; i have God.
[God bless Andy Slater]
"It's not the people that matter; you will forget them. It's not the grades that matter; you will take more tests. It's not the work that matters; you will spend the money. What matters is what you learn from each experience you have and each mistake you make. If you don't learn from your mistakes, how will you ever be able to live? Never let your regrets haunt you, but never ignore the regret you feel. Embrace it. Learn from it. Otherwise, your experiences will have been fruitless, and your mistakes worthless."
Andy Slater
"Find something to believe in, and fight for it; but find it for yourself. Fighting was the only thing I was ever good for, but at least I always fought for something I believed in."
Hideo Kojima
this is my story....not yours. you have a choice to make. either you accept who i am and love me regardless, or get bent.