Change is scary....but good
My relationship crumbled.
...and yet I still see the man that broke my heart every now and again. We still have sex, but it's a detached and unhealthy kind of sex. At the same time, I know that right now I'm not real relationship material, so it's sometimes better to go with the devil you know.
After 19 years I'm higher education, I have decided that I was meant to be a nurse full time. I love my students. I've loved helping them achieve their goals. And I was excellent at doing that. But the time has come where I want to dedicate my career to my truest passion, the career where I feel most alive. The career that is part of who I am, not just something that I do.
So I have accepted a position at one of the best teaching and research hospitals on the south side of Chicago. I am both excited and terrified of this "uncharted" territory. I'm leaving the place I've called home the last 19 years. At the same time, in the last two years it hasn't been the same place for me. The dynamic has changed. There is uncertainty in higher education.
I am three classes from my MSN degree. My new employer will pay 100% for me to finish. Their benefits are excellent. I am, for the first time in a very long time, making a decision that is best for me. I'm putting me first. After years of being a single mom, it feels uncomfortable and unnatural, but at the same time wonderfully exciting.
My son and I continue struggling to find our way....to establish a relationship that has boundaries but is supportive. His decision to flunk out of high school and turn down a free college education broke my heart. But I can only want it for him so much. He has to learn some life lessons. And I hope that his father provides a home that allows him to do that. I am skeptical, but he chose to move out. He chose to walk away. And he is technically an adult. I can tell him it's a poor choice. I can tell him I'm always his mom and I will always love him more than anything in this world. But I no longer have to allow his poor decisions to consume me. I need to be a healthy me. He will gain some life experience and get some wisdom along the way. The fact that he has chosen the most difficult path imaginable to obtain this information is unfortunate.