(no subject)
my family is so spolied with me and my brother. they have no idea what it's like to have a teenager, the worst they get from me is some pmsing mood swings and a little off-time emotions. I'm a girl. but I'm not normal. I'm always home on time, I'm always getting good grades. I get along with my brother. I do stupid, pointless chores. my point is, life is only what you see. I was watching a movie tonight, and I fell in love with this quote that I can't even fucking remember. funny, because once again.. that's life. life is nothing but events that leave as fast as they come. I was driving with daniel and I have deja vu when I saw a black lady on a cell phone. she reminded me of a woman in the car next to me when I was about 10. I was driving to the auto show in the city and she was singing to herself, loudly and emotionally. I remember thinking that she looked stupid. but I envied the fact that she didn't give a shit about what I thought, because who am I? one of the thousands of people that saw her singing on that drive home from whereever she was. I was one of the thousands of people that would forget her in a few minutes because they saw something better that could stimulate the chemicals in their lazy, droned brains. or something else appropriate to that kind of situation. but the funny thing is, I remembered her when I saw that lady, the one on the phone. I constantly remember. I remember the baby that I looked at a few years ago and thought about for about 3 minutes. 2 minutes of oogling over its cuteness and about another full minute of coming to the realization that one, I will forget about this baby because it's just another occurrence, another thing that entertained me for a few seconds until something else came along to grab my attention away. and two, if for some (crazy) reason I do remember the baby.. it won't be a baby anymore. I remember that baby, too. I don’t remember the color of it’s shirt or anything, but I rmemeber its face. but I can't remember the quote I loved from tonight. not the exact words. time scares me, like many other things. I was sitting in the car and I was talking about things that were important to me and words were coming out and disappearing, cars were passing and as soon as I knew it, they were gone. that was it. you cannot define now. what's the difference between past, present and future? really, I'd like to know. tonight was so good, and then.. the next thing I know.. it's over and I'm home and I'm cold and I'm tired and I miss daniel and my mom is yelling and my dog is snoring and my feet hurt and I'm not there anymore. I'm here and the only proof I have is what's in my mind and what could possibly be worse than going crazy and forgetting everything that I am and everything I was? where would that leave me? I miss things. I want things to happen, and I miss things in the past. the present doesn't concern me much, though. because I have less control over the present than I do the past. because the past is in my head because it is my past. 'now' is like a magnet, a force that pulls me to the present and then pulls it further behind me, out of reach. I want. I constantly hunger for things that I probably won't get. but that's okay, because without wanting or looking forward to things, there would be no reason to live. I have so many reasons to get up and be me every day. but it's hard to do that sometimes, it's hard to be in the present and feel like I have little to no control over it. it's hard to sit back and relax and not rack my brain for questions and answers and it's even harder not to verbalize and materialize what's on my mind into thoughts and phrases eventually words and even harder than that is the idea of telling someone else. of writing it down, of typing it out. things are hard. life is hard. being me is hard. "you don't see things as they are. you see things as you are." that's the quote. I remembered it.