WHY?
Writing has been a great leeway to relieve the stress going on in my life. In that case, let’s get cracking to what has been bothering me today.
After taekwondo training, my master informed me that I can test for black belt this coming Saturday. WOW…can it be? My dream of being an official black belt is now within my reach! After many years of devoted training, after all the sacrifices I have endured for training and much more, am I now going to grab my dream this coming Saturday? Wrong! For some reason, I denied the invitation by saying “Sir, I don’t think I am ready for the testing”. After saying that statement, the facial expression from my master was visible. He had every right to be disappointed in me, as I am also sadly disappointed as I express myself here.
How can I not be disappointed? From my past experience, I have SACRIFICED and DEVOTED a great deal of my time and effort towards my training. I have always been training hard dreaming that I will soon test for my black belt. Now, when the opportunity came, WHY DID I DENY IT? WHY DID I POSTPONE IT?
It infuriates me how I acted in such a way today! If I was asked at another day regarding the same black belt testing this coming Saturday, I am SURE that I would have ACCEPTED the invitation. BUT, for some reason, I acted to the contrary! X_X
WHY? Perhaps my psychological state of being influenced the decision? I have been sleep deprived and heavily stressed due to academic and other matters, which may have contributed to my disgraceful action of denying the invitation. Can that satisfy and stand as the answer to my disgraceful act today? NO!
Simply, I am so ashamed and angry because I made the decision when I was negatively thinking that I did not have the chance of passing the examination. Why did I listen to such negative thinking? Why did I succumb to the damn temptation? Because of this, I have disappointed my master and myself. All the countless times of devotion towards training has been disgraced because of my action today. I am so ashamed of myself.
A decision has already been made and now, I should face the consequences. Next month’s testing will be very difficult considering the multitudes of exams present before me. But, that should not halt my taekwondo aspirations. If I really want something in life, I will find a way and now, I will get my way. I have failed to live up to my faith earlier, thus I am now enduring the burdening guilty conscience. I vow not to give into negativity again, as it fails to provide me with any benefits. NEVER AGAIN! I repeat, NEVER again.
P.S. Positive mind frame work please:
Hey, on the positive side, at least I am given more time to train and prepare for the black belt testing. It's surely better to earn a black belt with flying colours rather than barely passing the examination. I would never be satisfied with myself if I settled by barely passing the black belt testing. Definitely, that's not the black belt I want. The postponed date of the testing will ensure more training time to sharpen my skills and knowledge. I will soon grab my goals and dreams with....the hands of FAITH. I should never lose in touch of such beautiful aspect. It's unfortunate that I was remote with my faith earlier, but I am human exposed to human errors and fallacies. Ahh...I will get my black belt. I know I will. With faith, I will. "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation- I shall fear nothing" (Psalms 27). Hehehe....perhaps there was a special blessing in disguise here? I hope there was ....
After taekwondo training, my master informed me that I can test for black belt this coming Saturday. WOW…can it be? My dream of being an official black belt is now within my reach! After many years of devoted training, after all the sacrifices I have endured for training and much more, am I now going to grab my dream this coming Saturday? Wrong! For some reason, I denied the invitation by saying “Sir, I don’t think I am ready for the testing”. After saying that statement, the facial expression from my master was visible. He had every right to be disappointed in me, as I am also sadly disappointed as I express myself here.
How can I not be disappointed? From my past experience, I have SACRIFICED and DEVOTED a great deal of my time and effort towards my training. I have always been training hard dreaming that I will soon test for my black belt. Now, when the opportunity came, WHY DID I DENY IT? WHY DID I POSTPONE IT?
It infuriates me how I acted in such a way today! If I was asked at another day regarding the same black belt testing this coming Saturday, I am SURE that I would have ACCEPTED the invitation. BUT, for some reason, I acted to the contrary! X_X
WHY? Perhaps my psychological state of being influenced the decision? I have been sleep deprived and heavily stressed due to academic and other matters, which may have contributed to my disgraceful action of denying the invitation. Can that satisfy and stand as the answer to my disgraceful act today? NO!
Simply, I am so ashamed and angry because I made the decision when I was negatively thinking that I did not have the chance of passing the examination. Why did I listen to such negative thinking? Why did I succumb to the damn temptation? Because of this, I have disappointed my master and myself. All the countless times of devotion towards training has been disgraced because of my action today. I am so ashamed of myself.
A decision has already been made and now, I should face the consequences. Next month’s testing will be very difficult considering the multitudes of exams present before me. But, that should not halt my taekwondo aspirations. If I really want something in life, I will find a way and now, I will get my way. I have failed to live up to my faith earlier, thus I am now enduring the burdening guilty conscience. I vow not to give into negativity again, as it fails to provide me with any benefits. NEVER AGAIN! I repeat, NEVER again.
P.S. Positive mind frame work please:
Hey, on the positive side, at least I am given more time to train and prepare for the black belt testing. It's surely better to earn a black belt with flying colours rather than barely passing the examination. I would never be satisfied with myself if I settled by barely passing the black belt testing. Definitely, that's not the black belt I want. The postponed date of the testing will ensure more training time to sharpen my skills and knowledge. I will soon grab my goals and dreams with....the hands of FAITH. I should never lose in touch of such beautiful aspect. It's unfortunate that I was remote with my faith earlier, but I am human exposed to human errors and fallacies. Ahh...I will get my black belt. I know I will. With faith, I will. "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation- I shall fear nothing" (Psalms 27). Hehehe....perhaps there was a special blessing in disguise here? I hope there was ....