where is your mind?

[ninja_cricket]

I had a nightmare for the first time in a long time. not like the standard "chased by the unknown" nightmares or "falling from a great height" nightmares, but a full on "crying when i woke up" nightmare. And the worst part; it was so real. And I don't mean that it just felt real. It was real scenarios that could easily happen and it was straightforward, clearly giving me a message. I was out, partying I guess, in a scumbala-esque scenario. In fact, I think we were even at Shelly and Cliff's place. It was dark, I remember vaguely, and I had the feeling of being drunk. It was a really nice time for a while but throughout the dream things kept getting worse. It started okay though, I was with Cliff, we were fucking on a bridge and our bodies were like play-dough moving into eachother. I knew it was him in my heart but his face wouldn't stay the same. just his face, it kept shifting, he was different people I knew and people I didn't think I knew, he was cartoon and a sketch, he was invisible, and a monster, an old man, a baby. And it was shifting so fast I was getting dizzy. (think, Bill Plymton's (plymptoons)"Your Face" animation) It frightened me because I didn't know who he REALLY was. Then Shelly came but she looked like my sister. She held me close to her and I remember crying. But things were okay. Then it got darker and I couldn't see at all. I was trying to fing my pants in these bushes and the ground was all mud. This man was holding me really tight and I was struggling against him and getting really panicky, he wouldn't let me go and I was powerless. Then I guess I blacked out. Or maybe I just can't remember it all. In the dream I woke up at Carlie's house where i had slept. Her dad was there, he had come home that night and found me freaking out in their house. I didn't remember this. But the look he gave me made me crumble inside. It was like he thought I was dangerously insane and like he was dissappointed in me and like he knew I would never amount to anything. (this is the scariest look I have ever seen) Then I looked at Carlie and she was looking at me like this too. I was all freaked out because I didn't remember what had happened and I thought maybe I WAS going insane. I kept having thoughts but they wouldn't connect, I couldn't make sense of anything. Carlie's dad called my mom who came and picked me up. She treated me like something about to break. I only had vague senses of anything and I realized I had lost my mind. This feeling I cannot describe. But when I woke up I started to cry and nearly crawled into my parents bed to feel something real next to me. I turned all the lights on and shook my head around. (This actually works to shake up the sadness.) Then I made Kate sleep in my bed. She actually appreciated this because in her sleep she had squashed a stink bug in her bed.

Today I feel better but I'm really shaken up by this dream. If dreams are meant to tell the dreamer something... this one was honest and I have a feeling I know now what my subconscious was saying. If you like interpreting dreams though, any input would be interesting.

That's all tonight. woo, I have the heeby-jeebys now writing about this. It really fucking freaked me out. It's even scarier than that dream where I rode a camel in the sewer and it turned into a gorilla with fangs.