Memeing and wallowing
Memeing:
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
- Narrow-mindness
- fanaticism in anything
- weak chin
- too much body hair
Wallowing:
This day started just fine, with lots of new, pretty, sparkly snow. Work was alright and afterwards I hung out with some friends. Then I went to the gym, and that’s where it all started to go downhill. I was really angry most of the time, I had a feeling people were staring at me and everyone looked really annoying. I wanted to kill one biaatch who stared at herself in the mirror with a really disgusting smug smile on her face.
After an hour or so of excruciating pain (weights), I decided to go on the cross-trainer. Only aerobic training I get these days, really. My gym is small, so there are only two cross-trainers, side by side in one corner. The other one was taken. When I got on, the girl on the other one told me that “sorry but that one’s reserved for my friend, I’m really sorry”. And instead of saying “oi, bitch, you can’t reserve these, first come first served”, I just simply stepped down and went over to the rowing machine. It’s not a big deal, really, rowing burns more calories, anyway. And I thought that she and the friend wanted to talk while exercising, and I supposed they would stay on for quite a while.
They left after five minutes. I stayed on the rowing machine and seethed quietly. Couldn’t that friend of hers do some stretching or something for five minutes? She didn’t even train very hard, dammit.
No, I’m not really angry at them. I’m angry at myself for being such a push-over and a fucking doormat. Always. “Ooh, you need a football? Here, have my head! Be careful that you don’t hurt your toe!” I’m such a pathetic little shit.
Anyway, I went for a shower. And stared at myself in the mirror. Naked. Never a good thing. And then I found myself thinking: “is this just a bad day or am I really this disgusting? And if I am, why do they allow me to go out in public? Hell, why do they allow me to live?”
After that, the day has gotten steadily worse. I’m going through yet another “I make people sick” -phase, and it’s exhausting. My latest diet isn’t going very well. I really wanted to be all pretty and just a bit skinnier for my birthday next month, and instead I’m just this hideous, sweaty, pimply, hairy, pregnancy-scarred, fat, lumpy monster.
In short, at the moment I feel like a complete failure as a human being and want to hide away in a deep, dark cave.
Yeah, sorry about the self-pity. Everyone needs a good dose of that from time to time. Just wanted to get this off my chest.
Ugly duckling days, how I hate you.