the stars are bright but do they know, the universe is beautiful but cold.
I had planned to post about Dublin and U2 and pictures and stories about the crazy 54 hours that made me happier then I've been in a really long time. And I will, I'll get there. Because it deserves it's own post.
But so does Josh.
Almost two weeks ago, one of my closest friends, Josh, committed suicide. And I just sat here, staring at that sentence for a full five minutes. Even now, it makes everything grind to a halt.
Josh is Caboose and Brian's neighbor, and we've been close for about 5 years now, from pretty much the day he moved in. We've had a very sitcom worthy "will they won't they" kind of relationship. I've fallen asleep on his couch talking until 4 am and we've dragged him on hikes and beach days and karaoke nights. I've spent the entire night chasing down fireworks with him, wondering if this will be the night we maybe get our shit together, but it never was, despite our back and forth texts discussing how we should get our shit together.
He's one of the kindest people I know, and Sundays became my favorite day of the week because Sundays we would all get together at watch football and Josh would wear every Cowboy thing he owned to drive me crazy, and I would wear every 49ers thing I owned and we'd sit on the couch, shoulder to shoulder and yell at each other about football. And sometimes he'd even cheer on the niners even though he hated it, only because he said he liked seeing me smile.
I am not handling this as well as I could be, or as I expected. But, is there a way to appropriately handle this? I keep thinking there is a time limit of how long I'm allowed to be snappy at my family and feel angry and hurt at the world. I don't mean to take it out on people.
Everything feels a little dimmer and then I feel like I'm being a drama queen for thinking that and it spirals from there. There is just such a lack of enthusiasm for anything in my life right now, and that's not fair to my friends and family or even me. Voicemails and texts pile up and I just don't have the energy.
It took me almost a week before I finally cried and even then it was over something mindless that wasn't related to Josh at all, but I think that's how I deal with things. This sense of detachment that I can feel wearing along the edges.
On top of that, a coworker passed away about a week ago. We are a small office of about 15 people so that has been painful as well.
I just want to start to feel some kind of normal and festive for the holidays and find a way to make peace with this. I just miss him so much and had so many plans for us.
But so does Josh.
Almost two weeks ago, one of my closest friends, Josh, committed suicide. And I just sat here, staring at that sentence for a full five minutes. Even now, it makes everything grind to a halt.
Josh is Caboose and Brian's neighbor, and we've been close for about 5 years now, from pretty much the day he moved in. We've had a very sitcom worthy "will they won't they" kind of relationship. I've fallen asleep on his couch talking until 4 am and we've dragged him on hikes and beach days and karaoke nights. I've spent the entire night chasing down fireworks with him, wondering if this will be the night we maybe get our shit together, but it never was, despite our back and forth texts discussing how we should get our shit together.
He's one of the kindest people I know, and Sundays became my favorite day of the week because Sundays we would all get together at watch football and Josh would wear every Cowboy thing he owned to drive me crazy, and I would wear every 49ers thing I owned and we'd sit on the couch, shoulder to shoulder and yell at each other about football. And sometimes he'd even cheer on the niners even though he hated it, only because he said he liked seeing me smile.
I am not handling this as well as I could be, or as I expected. But, is there a way to appropriately handle this? I keep thinking there is a time limit of how long I'm allowed to be snappy at my family and feel angry and hurt at the world. I don't mean to take it out on people.
Everything feels a little dimmer and then I feel like I'm being a drama queen for thinking that and it spirals from there. There is just such a lack of enthusiasm for anything in my life right now, and that's not fair to my friends and family or even me. Voicemails and texts pile up and I just don't have the energy.
It took me almost a week before I finally cried and even then it was over something mindless that wasn't related to Josh at all, but I think that's how I deal with things. This sense of detachment that I can feel wearing along the edges.
On top of that, a coworker passed away about a week ago. We are a small office of about 15 people so that has been painful as well.
I just want to start to feel some kind of normal and festive for the holidays and find a way to make peace with this. I just miss him so much and had so many plans for us.