He went home
dad came today, and miraculously, i was bubbly with excitement since yesterday afternoon. well when i finally met him at Queens Lane Coffee house i was like oh so that's it. but i dunno... somehow when we were lunching in mortons and when i was back in my room (having lounged him in the philosophy library since he explicitly said he wanted to be there), i felt so excited... i was like ... dad's here, and i'll have a really nice dinner and chat later with him.
he shared with me his views on the HBR's recent finding on MBAs and humanities grads in the job market today, his experience in atlanta this time round, possibility in working in china and even retiring there soon (YAY!!!! I'LL WANT TO BE IN CHINA TOO), lots of stuff i think, but what struck me most was well just my whole reaction to his visit.
i was tearing when i left the bus stop
i didn't expect it. but i felt so miserably lonely when i got back to isis again. there's no balding man in yellow jacket anymore. he filled a gap in his short visit this time round. i don't know where the gap is and i dont' know how large it is. but yah i was so sad when he set off for london again, checking out tml at 2, and shuttling home to SG.
and straightaway when i returned i booked the tickets to spain. i think i owe my parents a lot and yah... well things in this world are i dunno maybe fading from the distance. i don't know where i've been in their lives for so many years. maybe that old wound two years ago is healing already. maybe i no longer hate my parents so much for making me take back my letter from PSC anymore. yes i've lost my chance to study in beida, to pursue my dream of majoring chinese literature in china. but maybe if i had pushed my luck further two years ago, my family will be non-existent today. my mum would almsot certainly have died.
trading passions/dreams/goals for a family. what's more impt? i don't know. somehow when my dad hugged me before we parted, and when he said 'i love you', i actually managed to believe what he said. i became htis little boy who wanted so badly some comfort from my family again. i mean, i'm proud of my dad. immensely. here is one man who never got into any uni and was too poor to even finish secondary school. today he's playing golf probably with douglas daft and james cantalupo. this is my DAD gosh.
i'm not sure if i'm just getting more and more vulnerable to this world as i see more and more of the ugly sides of it. i'm not sure if i am getting too jaded of the hypocrisy and inane well-wishes i hear so very often. i have great friends sure (e.g. KY, who's gonna share dinner time tml with me; he was perceptive enough to hear my 'hello' on the phone and go 'you're not happy'... that was v moving i thought), but mum's words before i left months ago seem to cast a spell on me: 'home is where you get your peace'. i know she's afraid that i'm getting too independent of family. i am afraid of that too. wj told me before that i've possibly grown so cynical of things that nothing can really hurt me now. i remember jo sending me a birthday letter from japan too: 'cynicism is good, but not at your age. your sensitivity teaches you a lot, but not everything you've learnt through it may be good when you're twenty'.
but that's overseas education isn't it? throwing you into it all and seeing with your own bloody eyes what this world is all about.
is it loneliness or helplessness or what? i'm tearing again.
i admit i'm tired of a lot of things, that i want to just throw in the towel and hide away from all this veneer and cosmetic facades. but where am i to run to? i'm just about to resume NS and start work. welcome to THE hypocrisy now. KY insisted on dinner so many times, and i think well he knew i was one the edge already. i dunno. well, he's ONE friend i'm really glad to have made.
i'm exhausted.
he shared with me his views on the HBR's recent finding on MBAs and humanities grads in the job market today, his experience in atlanta this time round, possibility in working in china and even retiring there soon (YAY!!!! I'LL WANT TO BE IN CHINA TOO), lots of stuff i think, but what struck me most was well just my whole reaction to his visit.
i was tearing when i left the bus stop
i didn't expect it. but i felt so miserably lonely when i got back to isis again. there's no balding man in yellow jacket anymore. he filled a gap in his short visit this time round. i don't know where the gap is and i dont' know how large it is. but yah i was so sad when he set off for london again, checking out tml at 2, and shuttling home to SG.
and straightaway when i returned i booked the tickets to spain. i think i owe my parents a lot and yah... well things in this world are i dunno maybe fading from the distance. i don't know where i've been in their lives for so many years. maybe that old wound two years ago is healing already. maybe i no longer hate my parents so much for making me take back my letter from PSC anymore. yes i've lost my chance to study in beida, to pursue my dream of majoring chinese literature in china. but maybe if i had pushed my luck further two years ago, my family will be non-existent today. my mum would almsot certainly have died.
trading passions/dreams/goals for a family. what's more impt? i don't know. somehow when my dad hugged me before we parted, and when he said 'i love you', i actually managed to believe what he said. i became htis little boy who wanted so badly some comfort from my family again. i mean, i'm proud of my dad. immensely. here is one man who never got into any uni and was too poor to even finish secondary school. today he's playing golf probably with douglas daft and james cantalupo. this is my DAD gosh.
i'm not sure if i'm just getting more and more vulnerable to this world as i see more and more of the ugly sides of it. i'm not sure if i am getting too jaded of the hypocrisy and inane well-wishes i hear so very often. i have great friends sure (e.g. KY, who's gonna share dinner time tml with me; he was perceptive enough to hear my 'hello' on the phone and go 'you're not happy'... that was v moving i thought), but mum's words before i left months ago seem to cast a spell on me: 'home is where you get your peace'. i know she's afraid that i'm getting too independent of family. i am afraid of that too. wj told me before that i've possibly grown so cynical of things that nothing can really hurt me now. i remember jo sending me a birthday letter from japan too: 'cynicism is good, but not at your age. your sensitivity teaches you a lot, but not everything you've learnt through it may be good when you're twenty'.
but that's overseas education isn't it? throwing you into it all and seeing with your own bloody eyes what this world is all about.
is it loneliness or helplessness or what? i'm tearing again.
i admit i'm tired of a lot of things, that i want to just throw in the towel and hide away from all this veneer and cosmetic facades. but where am i to run to? i'm just about to resume NS and start work. welcome to THE hypocrisy now. KY insisted on dinner so many times, and i think well he knew i was one the edge already. i dunno. well, he's ONE friend i'm really glad to have made.
i'm exhausted.