One Day
one day ill know what its like to be happy
one day ill finally be able to say i overcame my problems
one day ill be what i strived for
one day i wont feel like a failure to everyone
one day ill live up to your expectations
one day ill be able to live on my own
one day ill be thin and pretty
one day ill be able to say ive succeded
one day ill have a mind of my own
one day i wont have to worry about what you think
one day i wont have to take the worlds critisizim
but one day seems so far away
Never Knew
how is it possble to be bad at something that you've worked your whole life on to be perfect at
how can someone that you look up to just smash your dreams away from you in seconds
how can you love someone so much that it hurts to go on everyday knowing that you ever have this person
how come people have lie to you, choose someone over you
why do you guys make friend act differently
why do you get blamed for the things you do right ?
Incomplete Thoughts
. frown at the invisible fat nobody seems to see .
. only this one didnt look anorexic .
. never consuming more than 1,000 calories .
. how teenagers see distorted images in our full length mirrors .
. and then i wonder why i hate myself .
. i truely believe that its my own fault that i dont look like a model .
. its always about what everyone else thinks .
. who am i to love myself .
. how could anyone do this to herself .
. that anorexia and bulimia are diseases .
. but i want to join .
. where do i sign up .
. and i cant stop hating myself .
. sometimes i just cry .
. sunken eye sockets and see daughters, instead of dying victims .
. the ultimate question, who designed barbie .
. the become children again, mentally,physically,hormonally,intellectually .
. and everyone is yelling, " look the other way, look the other way " .
. but most days im strong .
. i binge .
. no one ever taught me how to make myself throw up .
. im dying of jealousy .
. i am alone in this .
. and that is how i want it .
. there is this sadden look on this girls face .
. like she is in pain .
. this failure .
. that which suffocates this poor girl .
. i am weak and have failed .
. all of my rage, my depression comes up with the nastiness .
. closer to perfection .
. they all will look at me and see how far from perfect i really am .
. im exhausted i feel dizzy .
. i really am hungry .
. as soon as i can get away ill rid myself of this .
. i must punish myself for all the wrong ive done .
. its almost breaking through now, but not quite .
. i consider all of the mistakes ive made today .
. just being alive i am hurting everyone i love and care about .
. what am i doing .
. is the blood .
. see the scratches and the scars on my soul .
. i never thought my life would ever be the way it is today .
. but the control i once had, years ago, has been lost .
. i had no place to go .
. fantasizing what it would be like to be someone else .
. i felt hopless and began to cry .
. i wanted to disappear .
. then i broke down and gave in .
. iwas no longer living i was only existing .
. i felt controlled .
. controlled by people i didnt know .
. recovery is a choice .
. and wonder why they cry .
. at your happiness .
. 17 years old .
. where are the real numbers .
. i look at myself, seething with envy at your achievement .
. no one knew .
. band-aids are made flesh tone .
. caught with self inflicted wounds .
. my story will help someone someday .
. what am i thinking .
. if i do it there, no one will be able to see .
. it will be my secret .
. someone could actually cut their own flesh & enjoy it .
. just a little cut so easy so simple .
. i lock this secret inside my heart .
. everytime the urge comes back, i am tormented .
. all that time, and we never knew .
. we never noticed .
. here are my scars .
. here is my poetry .
. wounds long neglected .
. poetry ? what is more poetic than pain ? .
. these rivulets of red are my poems .
. each a thought expressed in the only way .
. these actions are my excuses .
. to slice cut mutilate and hurt .
. this is easy .
. these are my scars .
. must you subject then to the brutal scrutiny of words .
. the pain of the cut the only passion unsuppressed .
. such a behavior will not be condoned .
. nor will it be understood .
. i trusted .
. to die and be punished by the only one who really could - myself .
. the endless nights alone .
. languishing in pity and self inflicted misery .
. how do my scars compare with yours .
. i am all i can be .
. i am not proud of them .
. u do not tell tales to impress .
. these words are written in blood .
. so dont judge me .
. dont take my moment of melodramatic freedom .
. good job you smiled today .
. im putting the stopwatch in someone elses hands .
. set the tempature too hot .
. so hot it burns .
. but cleanses my soul .
. disgrace , disappointment .
. what a screw up you are .
. red is everywhere .
. he'd be proud .
. actually he wouldnt .
. tomorrow is another day .
. another fake cheap smile for tomorrow .
. and it makes me ashamed .
. i dont know why i do it .
. it doesnt hurt my head, my heart .
. expression .
. its so hard to hide .
. but there is no one left to listen .
. its like its all i ever knew anyways .
" i believe in happiness and in love that never fails but the longer i wait here the more they just seem like a fairy tale "
" and to think this could last forever is just a childhood dream "
" its one thing i never said i was truely happy in my heart and in my head it came like a dream the kind that always leaves when the best part starts it ends so abruptly "
" goodbye to you, goodbye to everything i thought i knew,you were the one i loved, the one thing i tried to hold on to "
" nothing last forever and im sorry i cant be perfect "
" and i believe theres something more cause this isnt what ive been looking for "
" so this where i say goodbye this is where my story ends "
" im still young and id like to stay that way cause growing up wont make everything okay"
" im happier when things are falling apart at the seams, and youd never know just by looking at me, and im strung out on the future and burnt out on the past "
" im falling deeper in to my mistakes "
" even though they told you to see is to believe it didnt take you long to know that looks can deceive "
" you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath id apologize for bleeding on your shirt "
" time slows down when you look at me, im infatuated with this, infatuated with you, its so hard for me to understand why i hadnt found you before. dont dull away , hold my hand "
" if i could split my heart in two, id give the beating half to you, if these words never rise above us. ID SWEAR ID SLIT MY WRIST FOR YOU "