on bir
(Left to right: Kimi, Bri, me; Woodward Park, Fresno, CA; '00-'01?)
Day 11 - Your siblings
I have two sisters, one older and one younger. Kimi is 18 months younger than me and Brianna is almost exactly 3 years older than me. While I have struggled all my life mostly on my own, as a trio, we've gone through hell together, and even on my own, I've had both of them to stick up for me. We've kept each other standing over the years, banding together and holding up whichever one needed it most. Even as Dad is the thing we circle around and protect most, I love nothing more than my sisters.
(Left to right: me, Bri, Mokie, Kimi; March '95, just after getting him from Canada)
(Brianna and I, 1992)
Brianna Lee is my older sister, 22 years old and about to graduate from college, named for my dad's brother Lee. I was born 6 days after her 3rd birthday and I have to say, I think that I'm the best birthday present she's ever gotten. She would probably disagree. There is photographic evidence (boxes and boxes of it, my mother took so many pictures of us) that Brianna has been the proud big sister from the day I was born. She'd lug me, cuddle me, drag my arms around in a circle in an attempt to play Ring-Around-the-Rosie (which, okay, there's a video, it happened).
(Brianna and six-month-old me; June '92)
After Mom died, Brianna basically raised us. From 9 on, she got us ready for school and watched us and made sure we ate. I don't know that my dad even realized how much she was shouldering, he was at such a loss of what to do with three little girls. Eventually there was Therese and then Malin, au pairs to take care of us, but Brianna never really grew out of that role.
Brianna instilled in me a comfortableness I may otherwise have never been able to achieve in my house. She was the first person I came out to in 6th grade. I think on some level she was the reason I could. I knew then that I liked girls and I never felt I had to keep it a secret (exceeeept to family, sisters not included) because it was such a comfortable thing. She already stood up for gay rights at the time; having a bisexual sister just made it even more important to her. I'm outspoken and I don't back down from my opinions. I have a somewhat strange sense of style. I rock it. I'm a geek to the highest degree and I relish it. We share theatre and books and it just makes sense. Brianna is the one that showed me unconditional love was real when it always seemed it was under a contract where conditions and hidden clauses applied.
(Bri, Mokie, and I; April '95)
My older sister is proud of me, always, and I think that has meant the most to me over the years. She supports my decisions and is the first to clap and praise me when I am proud of something, not merely when I achieve something. She gloats about her "talented sister" to everyone who'll listen and I'm really not. She, not my dad, was the one who made the 3.5 hour drive down to Williamsburg to see my One Act go to states. And if she maybe just missed me winning second and a place at nationals because her gps got her lost? She was still ecstatic and dancing with pride and so sure I was going to win.
(Brianna and I after said competition. Yes, I am Marilyn Monroe. I was not pleased.)
(Brianna and I, her boyfriend's birthday , 2010. Excuse the pinpoints, I was rather inebriated.)
I don't know how to explain us.
(Kimi and I, July 2010; early birthday celebration at Cheesecake Factory)
Kimberlin Joelle is my younger sister, 17 years old and about to graduate from high school, named for my mom's parents, Joseph and Ellen. She's been Kimi since she was a baby and she'll always be Kimi. Kimi is in every way the baby of the family. She was the giggly, bubbly, blonde haired, gap-toothed toddler and now she is the snorting in laughter, pee with the door open, blonde haired, wide smiling...adult? She'll be 18 in July. That's terrifying.
Kimi is quick to laugh, quick to bitch, some days sweet, most days angry and scary. Volatile. In baby fashion, she has us all wrapped around her finger, and effectively gets whatever it is she wants. Or did. Does to a degree. She is also the odd one out: the sporty to our geeky, the less than average grades to our stellar reports, always in some trouble where I have been at the point of automatic trust for as long as I can remember. I don't envy her position; she makes it clear all the time that she resents having to live up to us. I don't expect her to; I'm not sure she hears that enough or hears me when I say that I appreciate her for her.
(Kimi and I, my first day of kindergarten, Fresno '97)
Kimi's and my relationship is rocky to say the least. There have been days where she's chucked television remotes at my head, punched me so hard she nearly broke my nose, bit me and left bruises for a month or two. Some days we bend over clutching our sides laughing so hard in the kitchen while cleaning up, always digging ourselves a hole, "trying to get to China", pissing Dad off and not caring. She'll sweet-talk me into curling her hair or getting her ice cream and a movie. One day in particular, she told me she hated me, hoped I died, got hit by a bus. That I wasn't her sister and I was just a fat bitch no one liked. Slammed the door on my face so hard I had a bruised forehead and a bloody nose.
For a long while, I gave up. I decided I was done doing anything for her, done defending her when our friends, our school, called her a slut and a bitch and terrible things one after the other. At that point, all my outstretched hands were thrown back and everyone thought I had ruined her life anyway. It didn't matter anymore. I still don't know whether I was right or wrong or a little of both, but I will always be trying to make up for it.
(Kimi and I in Mom's glasses, Aug. '97; and hey, I ended up in red glasses!)
It's a daily challenge, being her sister. Sometimes I feel like I am dealing with the unhinged, dealing with a real disease made up of good days and bad days. Struggling to make the good days outweigh the bad. But they do, I think. Because when it comes down to it, we're what each other has. We're the ones taking care of each other when we're sick; Dad and Sally haven't done that in years. I stand up for her, because who else will? I tone her down and she makes me laugh and sometimes feel free. She does stupid shit like go out at 17 and get the most gigantic, godawful , poorly-done, stupid tattoo to ever exist that she can't hide from our parents and I tell her she's an idiot. When I look straight stupid, about to leave the house, she tells me and puts me in new clothes.
(Kimi and I, '10; rubbing off on each other: I picked up her stupid faces, she picked up my fashion sense.)
One day we'll hit China. In the meantime, I inwardly cheer for all the good moments we have.
(Kimi and I after graduation, June '10)
(Left to right: Kimi, Bri, and me, Halloween '94; great blackmail for Kimi, who is now scared of butterflies)
And all together...we rip each other apart.
While we get along by pairs, as a trio, I have always felt on the outside. Kimi and Brianna do that instant bonding thing where everyone else is pushed out like an infection. They don't include me, sometimes purposefully leave me out, and over time, I've gotten used to it. What I never get used to is how cruel they can be, how they gang up on me and knock me down over and over for sport. I wonder sometimes how I'm the only one who sees that it's not funny.
(Left to right: me, Kimi, Bri; July '95)
All together in the same place, we fight without end. Brianna is so used to being the boss that she bullies us both around and Kimi wants what she wants and has a temper and I just don't say anything and shut down. Brianna is unrealistic, Kimi is sappy in that middle-aged housewife way, and I have no patience for stupidity. We bicker and go off and surprisingly, lately, I have found an ally in Kimi, at least as far as Brianna goes. We tear each other down and most excursions end in tears. It's at the point where I've stopped even asking to come along. It's not worth it.
It's not great and it's not good at all, but it is. We know what we mean to each other. The rest is, I guess, inconsequential.
(My sisters and I at my graduation; June 2010)
Day 12 - What’s in your bag
Day 13 - This week
Day 14 - What you wore today
Day 15 - Your dreams
Day 16 - Your first kiss
Day 17 - Your favorite memory
Day 18 - Your favorite birthday
Day 19 - Something you regret
Day 20 - This month
Day 21 - Another moment
Day 22 - Something that upsets you
Day 23 - Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 - Something that makes you cry
Day 25 - A first
Day 26 - Your fears
Day 27 - Your favorite place
Day 28 - Something that you miss
Day 29 - Your aspirations
Day 30 - One last moment