Behind this mask
Okay, a long time coming with this update. Was going to do one of those retrospectives around the time of my birthday. As that slipped, I was going to do it around New Years and expound how I loathe the New Year's Resolution. But, I didn't. A lot of self-censoship, a lot of laziness and just being crushed under the weight of all that I intended to say but hadn't yet was stopping me. So, now, the dam breaks . . . or I'm just pepped-up on the vitamins I purchased to (wait . . . that reminds me . . . vitamin break . . . brb . . . k, done - calcium and magnesium are supposed to be good for the paths from brain to muscle, I'm told) . . . to try to keep these ills at bay. Whichever, really. What matters is I'm doing it now. Maybe only because I'm procrastinating from doing other things I should be doing. And because Pauly inspired me.
At any rate, despite the above, I went ahead and made a (late) new year's resolution: to avoid acquiring more junk. It's not really for any other reason than I've got too much already, and am running out of room. I've put this here only to remind myself and so someone can call me on it, should they be so inclined. I'm not trying to make any statement here. That's that.
On self-censorship: Yeah. It's getting to the point where reading some of the things I'm reading upsets me. I find myself wanting to scream at my computer screen sometimes. Please remember that over one hundred thousand people died on the 26th and, worse, many more are suffering the loss of family, friends, mothers, wives, lovers and homes. I don't fucking care if you woke up with the sniffles. I understand, accept and even foster the concept that everything that occurs within your world is relative, so what might be a good day for some, will be catastrophic for another. People need to accept context on a wider scale.
That said, Tsumani Relief has become the new hot button, sexy - yet family-friendly - cause to rally behind. I fell a certain kind of victim to it, myself. It's a catastrophic tradgedy, the likes of which we may never see again in our lifetimes, but it seems that everyone has forgotten about every other place in the world. Why has every other cause been forgotten in the wake of this? This is the kind of myopia not seen since "September Eleventh." No doubt concerted effort is needed in the wake of the tsunami, but people are still getting cancer. It's not that people aren't giving or forgetting, but I'm seeing instances where collections for some things are being diverted to the "Tsunami Relief Efforts". Where I'm really going with this though, is that I didn't need to be preached at, as if I didn't understand the gravity of the situation myself. I didn't need the faux-fatherly, warm-hearted glad-handing that came with. As if we needed to further swell the already bloated stomach of this whole thing. Trust that people will do the right thing, by their own minds. We want to make ourselves feel good by helping out, don't we? Even if only for that reason.
Back to context . . . there are things happening in my own little world that have caused me to sit up and take notice. Things I've fallen in love with, new faces I've come to admire and mourning certain situations that I fear won't change and some situations which have. I'm especially sensitive of late to people that let things progress because of the "next logical step," comfort or "gone too far to turn back" syndrome. This is mainly an outsider view on what's going on around me, but it's no doubt rooted in my own very personal experiences and the frustrations that came with. Though this can often apply to the standard relationship, I'm thinking more broadly here. Even as abstract as life pushing you through a routine. To borrow from the Declaration of Independence, the pursuit of happiness should be a right. Not just a right, but a driving force of your life. Why, then, is it so hard to broach that which you know would make you happy? Temper that with the "greener grass" syndrome, as I call it. I commend those that pursue change in the name of their happiness - it's a fantastic and brave thing to do - but I see instances where it's done blindly . . . with the idea that vengefully stepping away from something will somehow pave the path to those greener pastures. It's not self-betterment, it's spite. Again, context, sure, but there's no sense in deluding yourself, or you'll never find what you're really after. There are definite pitfalls to being spoiled with good situations all your life. I say that as if I know. And that last statement isn't to say I haven't had all the good things - I've had more than my fair share - it's to say I have yet to suffer something of the material world. I've been blessed . . . but I've learned to count them. Basking in the noise of a group of friends is one of the best things. I'm loving the new and different things I'm doing with old and new friends . . . I miss the ones I've lost.
I'm not drunk, I'm not angry, I'm not anything other than letting the thoughts flow after sitting on them for so long. It's my own catharsis that I'm trying to nurture without violating my cardinal rule of not using my journal as a pointless, directionless bitch session. I wish I could tell certain people just how much I respect and admire them - as I have before, I worry that I alienate people by writing all this. I wish I could find a way to share the new joys I've found in reading ("in my readings") without smelling of the pretension that often gets associated with that. You know, it's okay if people like watching award shows. It's okay if people like eating at McDonald's. If you feel you're that much better than those people, then you're good enough to let people have their simple pleasures while keeping quiet and not condescending to them. I've remarked lately that I like to think that I know when I have my head up my own ass and that, more importantly, I can use my own initiative to relieve the blockage. It's still not alright to like shit that tries to pass for "music," though. ;-)
Going to shut up before I keep going. If this ends up being too embarassing, I'll make it a private entry for myself. For now, it's unprotected for a reason . . . the same reason as always.
I've been telling people that work on Subway Saints has begun.
At any rate, despite the above, I went ahead and made a (late) new year's resolution: to avoid acquiring more junk. It's not really for any other reason than I've got too much already, and am running out of room. I've put this here only to remind myself and so someone can call me on it, should they be so inclined. I'm not trying to make any statement here. That's that.
On self-censorship: Yeah. It's getting to the point where reading some of the things I'm reading upsets me. I find myself wanting to scream at my computer screen sometimes. Please remember that over one hundred thousand people died on the 26th and, worse, many more are suffering the loss of family, friends, mothers, wives, lovers and homes. I don't fucking care if you woke up with the sniffles. I understand, accept and even foster the concept that everything that occurs within your world is relative, so what might be a good day for some, will be catastrophic for another. People need to accept context on a wider scale.
That said, Tsumani Relief has become the new hot button, sexy - yet family-friendly - cause to rally behind. I fell a certain kind of victim to it, myself. It's a catastrophic tradgedy, the likes of which we may never see again in our lifetimes, but it seems that everyone has forgotten about every other place in the world. Why has every other cause been forgotten in the wake of this? This is the kind of myopia not seen since "September Eleventh." No doubt concerted effort is needed in the wake of the tsunami, but people are still getting cancer. It's not that people aren't giving or forgetting, but I'm seeing instances where collections for some things are being diverted to the "Tsunami Relief Efforts". Where I'm really going with this though, is that I didn't need to be preached at, as if I didn't understand the gravity of the situation myself. I didn't need the faux-fatherly, warm-hearted glad-handing that came with. As if we needed to further swell the already bloated stomach of this whole thing. Trust that people will do the right thing, by their own minds. We want to make ourselves feel good by helping out, don't we? Even if only for that reason.
Back to context . . . there are things happening in my own little world that have caused me to sit up and take notice. Things I've fallen in love with, new faces I've come to admire and mourning certain situations that I fear won't change and some situations which have. I'm especially sensitive of late to people that let things progress because of the "next logical step," comfort or "gone too far to turn back" syndrome. This is mainly an outsider view on what's going on around me, but it's no doubt rooted in my own very personal experiences and the frustrations that came with. Though this can often apply to the standard relationship, I'm thinking more broadly here. Even as abstract as life pushing you through a routine. To borrow from the Declaration of Independence, the pursuit of happiness should be a right. Not just a right, but a driving force of your life. Why, then, is it so hard to broach that which you know would make you happy? Temper that with the "greener grass" syndrome, as I call it. I commend those that pursue change in the name of their happiness - it's a fantastic and brave thing to do - but I see instances where it's done blindly . . . with the idea that vengefully stepping away from something will somehow pave the path to those greener pastures. It's not self-betterment, it's spite. Again, context, sure, but there's no sense in deluding yourself, or you'll never find what you're really after. There are definite pitfalls to being spoiled with good situations all your life. I say that as if I know. And that last statement isn't to say I haven't had all the good things - I've had more than my fair share - it's to say I have yet to suffer something of the material world. I've been blessed . . . but I've learned to count them. Basking in the noise of a group of friends is one of the best things. I'm loving the new and different things I'm doing with old and new friends . . . I miss the ones I've lost.
I'm not drunk, I'm not angry, I'm not anything other than letting the thoughts flow after sitting on them for so long. It's my own catharsis that I'm trying to nurture without violating my cardinal rule of not using my journal as a pointless, directionless bitch session. I wish I could tell certain people just how much I respect and admire them - as I have before, I worry that I alienate people by writing all this. I wish I could find a way to share the new joys I've found in reading ("in my readings") without smelling of the pretension that often gets associated with that. You know, it's okay if people like watching award shows. It's okay if people like eating at McDonald's. If you feel you're that much better than those people, then you're good enough to let people have their simple pleasures while keeping quiet and not condescending to them. I've remarked lately that I like to think that I know when I have my head up my own ass and that, more importantly, I can use my own initiative to relieve the blockage. It's still not alright to like shit that tries to pass for "music," though. ;-)
Going to shut up before I keep going. If this ends up being too embarassing, I'll make it a private entry for myself. For now, it's unprotected for a reason . . . the same reason as always.
I've been telling people that work on Subway Saints has begun.